Thank you Anita.

An explosion of sadness if you will. It is hard to come to terms with the end of hope and future that was associated with her. I’m old and aware enough of all the strategies to cope with such heartbreak… but it still hurts bad, despite age and experience 🙂 The months ahead of me scare me, the dredging-myself-through-molasses feeling. I wanted to be happy, together.

Well. My life holds many other things and they will serve their role and help in getting me through this. Nothing compares and everything pales though.

I guess what I need is the *feeling* not the *knowledge* that this will get better. If know that it will, but that does not help one iota. All I can think of is her and I cannot belive that this will change, even though I know it will.

Love’s a bummer.

Thank you Luke and pinchofattitude – it helps tremendously to read from others and feel a bit of support and understanding. Makes me feel not so alone in all of this. Which does seem to be a pervasive feeling, alone, staring down this huge hole full of heartbreak that suddenly appeared. And the hole seems to whisper “You better get used to me ’cause I ain’t going anywhere soon.” Sigh.

I find myself wanting to cry every few hours, which is hard with my two little boys around and a job to go to. When I find some quiet time to myself the tears just come. It hurts and it helps, afterwards there’s a bit of calm and quiet inside.

And I find my brain or heart plotting escapes from the reality… “You can let her know that emails are ok…” “Just keep it relaxed and a bit distant… but you can stay in touch” “Occasional contact is ok, much better than this No and Never that you feel now”. I picture glorious reunion scenes a year down the road, after she cleaned up her life, realizes she has space and love for me still and comes rushing into my arms. I laugh about these scenes because they are so cheap and predictable… but my heart wants to believe them, wants to hang on and hold onto the tiniest shred of hope. Accepting that it is, in fact, over seems such an insurmountable task. Just over. Not over and maybe later, not over and slowly start again… just over and never again. Period. How does one accept that fact??

It helps to know that me letting her go two days ago is still right. Anything else would have prolonged a false hope… there was and is nothing for me to gain here, now. Sometimes I also have five-minute glimpses into a seemingly alternate reality, where I see – and can briefly feel – myself being fine and ok and happy with the way things are. Where, for a few moments, I have a feeling of “This is ok.. I can just be happy if I want” and it really does feel this way for a minute or so… but then the window closes again and I just miss her and would give anything to just have her here again, with me.

And I’m never sure how much I should let myself allow to be sad, allow myself to cry… it helps, but I don’t want to give this pain and sadness too much undue space, maybe.

Reading the blogs and forums here helps a lot. As do your responses here, so thank you.

J.