Dear basil:

You have judged yourself as wrong and shameful in hindsight- looking back and realizing now things you didn’t know then. Also, the things you know now are not necessarily correct.

Please follow my thinking:

You wrote: “My boyfriend’s parent weren’t happy with our marriage as according to them the match was unfit” that was in the last two years- you didn’t know that later there may be a change. As far as I know, in the culture of arranged-marriages and most intense loyalty to one’s parents, this fact was a deal breaker. No matter how “beautiful relationship” you were in those past two years- a marriage couldn’t have happened.

Your old boyfriend past behavior was concerning, as far as it indicates a not-so-great character. He broke up with you and then had sex with you while in relationship with the other girl. He continued to have sex with two women until she broke up with him. You wrote that your old boyfriend “helped me forget the bitter past of us”- but you didn’t forget, after all, you are telling about it here. You remember… and it is quite memorable.

Then you wrote: “Suddenly out of nowhere , My ex somehow convinced his family for marriage and he was very happy , when he told me about it.”- because of his questionable character, and my understanding of the arranged-marriages culture, I question what he told you. He may have lied.

You wrote: “And what shames me more is that knowing that this new guy is not that much into me”- you didn’t know it at the time, only later. It is not that you knew the new boyfriend was not into you and you continued the relationship with him. You didn’t know at the time. He acted as if he was into you.

Your shame doesn’t make sense to you (although I do understand you feel it) because there was wrong doing on three parties in the story- the old boyfriend, the new boyfriend and you. Unlike the others, perhaps, you honestly shared what happened with the old boyfriend.

Regarding being weak- we all are.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita

Dear basil:

It is possible, very possible for you to be yourself, to become yourself more and more. To be less and less people pleasing, “customizing yourself so to win others’ approval.

Where does your people pleasing come from? Probably where it comes from for most people: trying to please a disapproving parent. Children need parents’ approval and will go to any length, using your word, “customizing” themselves to win that approval.

Insight into how you have customized yourself as  child will help you see the ways you have customized yourself in your romantic relationships and in maybe, all relationships. Then, you pay attention to that strong drive to customize/ people-please in your daily life, in this and that particular instance, and intentionally act differently. As you act differently, authentically, it will feel uncomfortable, but if you endure the discomfort, you will become more and more authentically you.

anita