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Two Year Relationship With an Unengaging Guy

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  • This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • March 29, 2017 at 7:48 am #142709
    Kayla
    Participant

    I hear you. I wish I could give advice but I’m feeling lost and confused in my own situation at the moment so I feel like I shouldn’t. That being said, I think you have a right to be in a relationship where you feel like an equal partner, where you can share about the things that are important to you, and have someone you can talk to. It’s especially concerning to me that you want to talk about potential difficulties with a long-distance relationship and he is not engaging with you–those are important things to talk about! My S.O. also always wants me to be “fine” or “chill” and I think that’s a lot of pressure to put on a person. You talked about getting engaged- I wonder, how would these issues get better or worse with marriage?

     

    March 29, 2017 at 8:18 am #142713
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sonatina:

    I think that your boyfriend is able to be “very helpful… supportive… treats (you) well” because he is not talking more than he does, because he says “fine” and nothing else when you ask him how he feels.

    If he focused on how he feels, he would be troubled and turn inward, and so, he may not be available to  be helpful to you, to be supportive and to treat you well.

    I understand your need for deeper communication with him, but if you explained your need to him as clearly as you explained it here, and he refuses to make a change, then it is probably because it is very uncomfortable for him to make that kind of change. When a person is very uncomfortable making a change, a person often doesn’t.

    “I am fine”- it is a deflection technique: you send a question in his direction and he sends it back quickly, without processing it.

    Did you explain to him your needs as clearly as you explained it here… and repeatedly?

    anita

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