My boyfriend of three and a half years broke up with me almost a year ago. It has been rough. A tough year has followed, filled with depression and a ton of other issues.

I struggled with the break up for months. We were very, very close. One of the things that brought us together was music. When we had broken up in short periods previous times, we would both listen to a bunch of sad music. The last time we had broken up, he would “like” a bunch of songs with sad titles and lyrics. When we got back together, he admitted it was a way of getting my attention. This continued again when we broke up last year. I would check his music profile every day and see the sad songs he was “liking”. Titles like “Don’t Leave” and “I’m Still In Love with you” etc…

I have a blog that I know he checked, and around 4 months after we broke up I added a secret tracker to find out if he was checking. Turned out there was someone from Boston (where he moved to) checking my blog every day, sometimes up to 3 or 4 times a day. This carried onto around 6 months after the break up. I was obsessively checking his music profile and my blog to see when he was checking. I would post cryptic things on my blog that I knew he would see and I would also “like” sad songs and communicate back with him. We were indirectly communicating and it was very emotionally taxing. At one point I thought I’d be getting a phone call asking to get back together or something.

I realized I was hurting myself and had to let go. At the end of october, I realized I had to stop. I removed the tracker from my blog so I couldn’t even check, and I stopped looking at his music profile since.

I’ve had a lot of issues since then, and have come to realize they’re because I completely cut off grieving and attempted to “let go” back in october. It clearly didn’t work very well. The grief manifested into depression and a lot of other issues.

I’m starting to let myself think about him again, and why I miss him. I’m trying to face my feelings and get down to the bottom of why I’m still in love with him. I just really, truly love him. We had a lot of issues, as most couples do, but I always had a gut feeling about him. I think it was just bad timing for us.

Today I looked at his music profile for the first time in about 5 months. I don’t think he knows I stopped checking it, because I looked through and there was still a lot of sad songs with sad lyrics and sad titles. Of course, not all of them. And of course, I can’t assume that every song is about me — a lot of famous songs are love songs because that’s just what most people sing about — but some are very, very obvious.

It’s been over 11 months. Am I crazy to think that we’re both still in love with each other? My friend suggested reaching out just to ask. And maybe, if he says no, or “denies” me, then maybe I can just work to let go. But I never acknowledged all the songs or the blog checking to him. He doesn’t know that I know (at least about the blog). Maybe if I just put it all out on the table, I can get a clear answer. I know it will hurt very badly if he rejects me, but maybe it can remove some of the mystery and the hopefulness. I’m just afraid it’s going to pour salt on a wound. It could either be cleansing, or it could be very painful and toxic.

He’s reached out a few times. He reached out in December asking for “closure” and to be friends, which I wasn’t ready for because I’m still in love with him. I really struggle with us just being friends/acquaintances/etc because I can’t really handle the fact of him not being in my life in the way I want him to be. I know that’s selfish, but I wanted to marry him. I can’t imagine accepting him into my life as something other than my boyfriend.

What do I do? Should I reach out just to put it all out on the table?