Home→Forums→Relationships→"Taking a break" of sortsSo im
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March 11, 2017 at 5:29 am #138961
JeffParticipantSo I am a divorced man of three years. I met a woman online and we have been dating for a little over 2 years. Initially it was a long distance relationship. After the first few months I started spending weekends with her. That lasted for about 1 year. The second year I had a job opportunity that I couldn’t pass up, and as luck would have, very close to girlfriend. Since we both have children we would see our kids every other weekend and each other the following weekend. Pretty consistent for the second year. January 2017 came and we both had “kid commitments” on the weekend we would normally see each other. On a date last night I was told “I would like a break and not to spend as much time together. I want some time for myself.” She stated that the weekend away from each other was relaxing. She is an introvert and I am a shy extrovert, by the way. She has her kids 60% custody. So on her kid free days we usually see each other. My custody is only every other weekend. So as you may imagine I have a lot of free time.
Before last night I felt as if something was off. Less texts and not a lot of emotion in our discussions. We still had fun, sex and so on that we both enjoy, but it was different. There is a large celebration in her family coming up soon. We had talked about me being there and everything was good. Last night she isn’t sure she wants me there because of the “pressure”. The last time this happened (it is a religious celebration) she asked for her divorce the next week.
So im confused, hurt and overall disappointed. I want to be with this woman and she does too but not the same way it is now. Am I being naive in thinking this can survive? Is it her way of letting me don easy. We are to have coffee this morning. I don’t want to lose her, but I need certain things from a relationship too. The main thing is communication
Thanks for letting me share,
March 11, 2017 at 5:54 am #138963
AnonymousGuestDear Jeff:
You wrote that your girlfriend “stated that the weekend away from each other was relaxing”-
In January 2015, on your first thread here, you wrote that your wife at the time “stated that she was tired of walking on egg shells around me.” (On that same thread, that you didn’t yell in two months).
Do you think there is a connection between the two women’s statements?
anita
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March 11, 2017 at 7:57 am #138985JeffParticipantAnita
Thanks for posting. In my marriage there were plenty of arguments and lots of anger. Since I saw the destruction of my marriage I have learned to control that part of my personality. My close friends have noticed and commented that I have changed for the better and they don’t feel that I am about to go off the handle at any moment. I have accepted that things needed to change.
In regards to my current relationship I think that she is referring to my wanting to do things all the time. I don’t like sitting still and I enjoy getting out and going places. My girlfriend is most definitely an introvert and does like to stay home at times. She also has a hectic schedule, which I often forget. So I feel that is what she meant. She hasn’t seen the anger side of things.
This relationship I have put in the time to listen, compliment and respect my girlfriend. It is just another change that I am willing to do for her if she’ll have me.
Jeff
March 11, 2017 at 8:23 am #138987AnonymousGuestDear Jeff:
Like you wrote in your last sentence in your original post: the main thing is communication. So find out when you have coffee with her soon, what is going on with her. If her problem is that she wants to go out less, you can accommodate that. Is there another problem that she is having with the relationship with you?- ask her, as calmly as you can (to encourage an honest, clear answer). Post again with her answer/s…?
anita
March 11, 2017 at 8:34 am #138989JeffParticipantAnita
We are going out for coffee in a bit. So I will post back later. I do know that one her comments last night was the dreaded “it’s not you it’s me”. I’m cautiously optimistic, because I truly enjoy this woman being in my life.
Jeff
March 11, 2017 at 8:40 am #138991AnonymousGuestDear Jeff:
If you read this before you see her, ask her what she meant by that comment. Ask for information and calm yourself best you can so that you can hear her answer. Have patience and listen. Ask clarifying questions. Don’t defend yourself or argue. Just listen. Later on, during another meeting/ communication, you can talk more with her. Better not expect a resolution or solutions in the next one meeting.
anita
March 11, 2017 at 12:12 pm #139003JeffParticipantAnita
We had a good discussion. She is extremely stressed by this upcoming event. We went out for dinner last night and I went home afterward. She said she completely appreciated that as she could sleep, talk to her brother and clean up a bit all this morning. She doesn’t feel she could do that with me there.
She wants to stay together, but at this time in our relationship she has priorities that may not involve me. I understand that and can appreciate it.
So at this point I have told her how I feel and there is nothing more I can do. As I left her home, as she had a prior engagement, we embraced and kissed. I’m not saying everything is perfect, but nothing in life ever is. Relationships are messy and sometimes you have to swallow your pride for the overall good.
Jeff
March 11, 2017 at 12:38 pm #139007AnonymousGuestDear Jeff:
Actually, I think what happened is an excellent thing: she is assertive with you and that is healthy on her part. After all, you do need a healthy partner in life. If she was passive, endlessly accommodating, building anger and distress inside of her- that would have been bad for her, for you and for the relationship.
Practice EAR with her: Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect. Reads to me that in your getting together last night and today, these three were practiced.
anita
March 11, 2017 at 1:48 pm #139023JeffParticipantAnita
I am still struggling with the fact that I will not be going to the event. But I am not that particular religion and it seems that the fact I am not going has alleviated some pressure. I wish she would reconsider but at this time I am going with her decision and trying to move on.
Now I have a lot of time to fill up. Here’s to hoping this works out.
Thanks Anita
March 11, 2017 at 7:16 pm #139037AnonymousGuestDear Jeff:
You are welcome. And here’s to hoping this does work out.
Did you meet her family, the family that will be attending that event? Do you think that you not being of her family’s religion is a problem for her? I wonder what are the specifics that stressed her so much about you attending the event as her boyfriend.
anita
March 12, 2017 at 1:21 pm #139075JeffParticipantAnita
I have met her parents 3 times. But it seems like it is her extended family is what she is worried about. I get along well with her parents and I’m not sure why the family that lives out of state is a problem. She also stated that she doesn’t mind if I meet her ex and his family so it is just a weird situation. I will not pound away at it, but will be asking as the event gets closer.
When we first got together the religion aspect didn’t bother her and as I stated I did meet her family. I haven’t met her brother yet and he will be there. Maybe that’s it?
I am going to try and deal with the “reset” and hopefully things can improve.
March 12, 2017 at 8:10 pm #139103AnonymousGuestDear Jeff:
It occurred to me just now: if her reason for taking a break from you is that she likes to stay home more often and you like to go out; that she has a hectic schedule and trying to accommodate your going-out preference has stressed and exhausted her, then why is the solution a break and not .. to stay home instead of going out?
If the coming event is stressing her, and you being at the event stresses her even more, why is the solution a break and not just you not being at the event?
The reason for her taking the break could be none of these reasons, or these two reasons in combination with a third reason. I am thinking there is a third. I tend to think that she felt more comfortable bringing up these two reasons (which are true), but she is not bringing up the…. missing third reason.
Talking about the first and second is easier than talking about the third, I am thinking.
anita
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