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Long Distance Relationship

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  • February 25, 2017 at 8:02 am #129323
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I have been together with my boyfriend for 6 months, it has been a full blown LDR and in this 6 months we only met for 3 weeks. We have a time difference of 8 hours, me being 8 hours behind. We have had our ups and downs, but with good communication, our problems and misunderstandings have been resolved. Essentially, things are going pretty well! We have a future in mind, we have a plan for the next time we meet up, we are making plans to meet each other more often as well.

    The only problem now is that I find myself missing him too much, I find myself constantly having him on my mind. Due to the time difference, he can’t be there for me quite a lot of the time. He has to work, and I have school, our schedules may not match, which limits our conversations. As a result, having him on my mind and being unable to talk to him affects my focus on my schoolwork. I’m scared that I won’t perform well in school, especially with exams coming up. It is pretty scary having the thought of having to retake a year and having to be a year away from being in the same country as my boyfriend again. I want to be able to focus better, but I have no idea how to….

    February 25, 2017 at 9:12 am #129339
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hailee:

    Reads to me like you are panicking a bit, imagining and rushing from a bad scenario to a worse scenario. Let’s slow down and look at your situation:

    You are missing him and you don’t have as much (long distance) communication with him as you would like. This is uncomfortable but it is not disastrous. Missing him does not mean you are in a bad way, helpless and out of control. It doesn’t mean bad things are to happen. It only means you miss him.

    You can miss him and study for your exams. You can have a photo of him with you when you study. Every time you think of him, you can look at his photo and smile at his image there, or you can touch the photo (or something he gave you/ reminds you of him) and find comfort in that, then go back to your studying.

    Try to not rush in your thoughts and imagining to the time in the future that you will see him again. Focus the best you can on the present going-ons in this relationship. Now is all you have. If the communication is going well now, find comfort in it. You don’t know what will happen in the future, so let it be in the future.

    Does this help any?

    anita

    February 25, 2017 at 11:52 am #129363
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear Hailee

    This is normal. Feeling distracted, more so when you are forced to focus on the books in comparison to being out working. I have the same problem too and it was quite worse before.

    The only way I know to deal with these distracting, distressing emotions is not to judge them and to ride them out. Instead of fixating on when you may talk to him next, when he will message you back, think in terms of study targets that need to be done for the day – the activities that have to be done.

    I know you might be thinking “if only it’s that easy” – it is and isn’t.

    You are anxious about exams and your anxiety is rising as you delay studying further.

    Usually when I sit down to study, I keep my phone away or switch off the WiFi. I don’t switch it back on until I am done with an hour or two of work.

    A million times, it will feel tempting to randomly message him when you miss him. Don’t do it immediately. Say you will do so just when you get done with these pages and this problem set. Create a reward mechanism for yourself.

    When I go for exercise, I keep the phone on flight mode. I do not want to get distracted in case he calls.

    Since he is the working one, by default, your routine is more adjustable compared to his. Exercise some discipline during this time.

    Within a week or two, you will get habituated to this.

    Please follow some of the suggestions by Anita as well.

    Do you have any negative thoughts in particular when say, you guys don’t talk much for a few days?

    Regards
    Nina

    February 25, 2017 at 12:20 pm #129377
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    dear nina,

    Thank you for your advice! I’ll certainly try to work on them.

    And yes, unfortunately I do feel quite sad and neglected when he is busy and there are days we don’t talk much. I understand that it is inevitable due to our busy schedules, but I have a tendency to feel that “oh this isn’t fair because I’m always here when you need me, yet you can’t be here when I need you”, which I know isn’t the case, but still, these thoughts affect me negatively and I don’t know what I can do about it…

    February 25, 2017 at 12:24 pm #129381
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    dear anita

    Thank you!

    As much as I wish I wasn’t an overthinker, I can’t help that I am one. Do you have any advice on how I can stop “rushing my thoughts”? My boyfriend is someone who is really easy going, and he is able to live in the moment. He rarely gets upset, he has considerations but does not overthink about the future. And I can indeed see that living in the moment makes life easier and so much happier. I wish I could be like that too.

    February 25, 2017 at 12:38 pm #129393
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hailee:

    It takes practice but it is possible to change from being anxious (overthinking is a response to anxiety: the thinking brain is looking to solve a problem rationally so to resolve the anxiety- only the problem/s it focuses on are not the real problems) to living in the moment. The practice is Mindfulness. You can find articles, I think, on the Home Page of this website on the practice of mindfulness (under BLOG above).

    Looking for the real problem behind the anxiety, usually childhood problem/s, is the INSIGHT part of what we need to change from anxious (overthinking) to … relatively safe, calm.

    anita

    February 25, 2017 at 7:52 pm #129439
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear hailee,

    Here is a practical list of techniques that will help during overthinking and rushing thoughts.

    “http://dev.tinybuddha.com/topic/relaxation-meditation-techniques/”

    Pick the one(s) that resonate(s) with you or feels comfortable the most.

    Along with these I also suggest you to write a love letter to your beloved whenever you feel like missing him the most.
    Something like….
    Dear sweetheart,
    I am missing you so much. When are you coming to me? I am waiting for you with my arms open. Please come and hug me.
    Love you so much. (Stay in the hugging feeling for a while)

    I will get back to my work for now. Talk to you later.
    Love you, bye.
    Yours and only yours hailee.

    Use your own words. Don’t use the computer for writing these. Do it with a notepad and pen.
    Pour over all your feelings towards him. Don’t kick the feelings that you are missing him. Allow them to come and wash all over you. Soon the feelings will be dissolved in a good way and you will get back to your own work. Thoughts will keep coming. Let them come and in those situations get back to writing the letter or the techniques mentioned above and get back to your studying work.

    Take care,
    VJ

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by VJ.
    February 25, 2017 at 10:20 pm #129447
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear Hailee

    I wish I could have told you half the stories I thought in my head when bf and I had low communication spells. I can have a good laugh now about how silly I must have appeared when I inevitably had melt-downs over imagined situations. I would be too fatigued by all the thinking of what was going wrong to feel like focusing on other things.

    The root problem wasn’t him actually. It was my own perception of the situation and the relationship. I realised my own trust issues and the core belief I had of being sorta unlovabale and the dislike to appear needy.

    It didn’t have anything to do with home though. A lot of it was related to the poor peer group I had in my teens who were plain malicious and emotionally abusive. I didn’t see it until many years later as to how much of the negativity I had internalised from them. I also suffered from a tendency towards clinical depression, partly genetic.

    So awareness of what, why and how is important.

    What are the thought?
    Why are they there? (Identify the core belief)
    How can I feel better?

    All this is part of something called emotional intelligence which requires you to be aware of your feelings, find ways to work with them.

    Do look it up sometime and learn a few techniques on how to develop it.

    I hope you feel better and please know that we all feel this in a long distance but the part where you need to do something is when your work is getting badly affected.

    Regards
    Nina

    February 26, 2017 at 10:48 am #129529
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    dear nina, thank you so much

    February 26, 2017 at 10:48 am #129531
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    dear vj, your post was really insightful, thank you so much

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