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Long one – about my mess and confusing relationship

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • February 23, 2017 at 9:18 pm #129145
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Johannah7:

    When you met this man he was in a 15 year relationship with another woman. Problem is, throughout your story, throughout your relationship with him, he was STILL in a relationship with her. And I didn’t read anywhere, all the way through your post, that he ever broke up with her.

    Fact is, he kept dating her, kept seeing her, going to entertainment events and restaurants. She had contact with his mother, friends, and you did not.

    All this time, he has been in a relationship with another woman. Maybe this is what is so confusing to you, the simple fact that he never has been available to you. This is very sad, the pain you have gone through-

    What he ever said to you doesn’t change the reality of him being … in another relationship.

    anita

    February 24, 2017 at 2:38 am #129165
    Johannah7
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for reading my post and your response. I really appreciate it.

    I understand your comments. I was tormented by this and often over the past 18months have said to him that I am not his reality. He refuses to see this.

    I said to him recently when we talked about the past that I consider he had been in a relationship with her until 6 weeks ago (when he finally decided he can commit to me). He doesn’t accept this view point at all. This hurts and I still want to work for him to understand this is how it was for me.

    I want to move forward though. I can’t change the past. I want to forgive and build a future – I think. Well I do if it is possible to move past all that happened. I need to learn to trust him and let go of bitterness and resentment. Any advice? Whatever happens I don’t want to hold on to pain and let all this affect my ability to be open to love.

    If we are to move forward and build a life together I know I will need to trust that he is in a relationship with me and only me. How do I manage all these feelings from the past? He still maintains that he will always want his ex in his life, they have a “deep bond”. I don’t believe in telling people who they can and can’t be friends with, and I don’t even necessarily think they can’t be friends. But this past period has been awful and I really need him to take responsibility for how his relationship with his ex affected us. And it absolutely cannot continue to do so. It would feel wrong of me to just say I don’t want them to be friends. But there do need to be boundaries and I need me feelings to be taken into account. I don’t know how to approach this!

    February 24, 2017 at 8:06 am #129177
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Johannah7:

    You wrote: “often over the past 18 months have said to him that I am not his REALITY. He refuses to see this. ”

    In the word “Confused” (in the title of your thread) there is a “fusion” of two (“co”) realities, his and yours, and so you are confused. But there is only ONE reality regarding the relationship between you and him. If you see it, you will no longer be confused.

    You wrote toward the end of your original post: “he had spent Xmas with his ex (when we were together)…he went out with her and didn’t tell me. I understand when he said he didn’t feel he could tell me because he was worried about my reaction but I just am so hurt that that happened.”

    Reality is that his relationship with you is not Monogamous. He has been dating two women, you and the other woman. He didn’t tell you that he planned on going out on a date with her, it still doesn’t change the reality that he did go on a date with her. He said he was worried about your reaction- that too does not change the reality that he went on a date with her. He may tell you he doesn’t call it “a date”- that too, does not change the fact that he went out on a date with her.

    You are waiting for him to clear your confusion, but he is not going to. You have your brain to do the job, to clear the confusion and see what is real.

    In your last post you wrote: ” if it is possible to move past all that happened.”- it is not possible to move past what happened when it keeps happening. He is still intent on dating a second woman.

    You wrote: “I need to learn to trust him”- you can trust him to be in a relationship with you, but not a monogamous relationship. He has and intends to date/ be in a relationship with another woman as well as you.

    You wrote: “He still maintains that he will always want his ex in his life, they have a “deep bond”. I don’t believe in telling people who they can and can’t be friends with”-

    If you are interested in a relationship with him as it is, you have to accept the fact that he is dating another woman and intends to continue, so you have to share him with another woman. Are you able and willing?

    For the other woman to be his friend, not a girlfriend, he needs to introduce her to you: “Johannah7, this is my friend X. X, this is my girlfriend Johannah7”

    Following the introduction, he will see X together with you, not apart. He will not go on dates with her (just him and her, without you). She will visit you and him in your home, or you will visit her with him, at her place, or the three of you will go out together.

    The reason you are confused when you listen to him, is that what he tells you is not making sense, it is not true to reality. See it for yourself.

    anita

    February 24, 2017 at 11:18 pm #129293
    Pamela Lame
    Participant

    Hi Johannah7, It’s been recently that I went through something similar to you. And it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through, I wasn’t sure I could even survive or if I wanted to. But I am here so you can see I made it. It sounds to me you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of life you are willing to live. If he truly loved you, he would have done everything he could to keep you, and to make you happy. I can’t say it won’t change, but I can say the odds are he won’t change. I believe he is doing the very same thing to the other girl too, and he is playing a game to keep you both tied onto his leash. It’s how he lives and breathes and it isn’t love with him. He says the same things to her that he says to you, and there isn’t what I call love in anything you have to say about him. You can’t change him, and you can’t change yourself to fix what his problem is and this is what is most likely making you sick as well. You are the only one that can decide what you are willing to do and how you will allow yourself to be treated. This man is toxic for you. And it is not love. Love means they want you to be happy, no matter what. And he doesn’t do that, nor does it sound like he is emotionally available to you. There are people like that and because you are the person you are, most likely a good heart, very empathic, that is what they are drawn to. Do a search online for Narcissitic personality disorder. You might see him described there. If he fits the picture, you need to let go of him. I wish you the best, it’s a tough one, but you can do it.

    February 25, 2017 at 3:14 am #129305
    Johannah7
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Again thank you for your reply. Your last statement really struck a chord with me “The reason you are confused when you listen to him, is that what he tells you is not making sense, it is not true to reality.” It is certainly how I have felt about a lot of things we have talked about.

    I do know that if this was to continue I would need to see that his relationship with his ex is a true “friendship” and not anything more. I would need what you described in terms of her acceptance to be shown. I do feel truly uncomfortable about their “deep bond” now it has affected things so badly. I think he did the right thing in some ways, not to abandon her (she had a very tough time after he ended their life partnership). I do think this went way too far though, and he was very naive about relationships. I have told him that he showed her respect and not me and I still believe that to be true, although he implores me to see this differently.

    I have a lot to think about. I struggle because I don’t think it is helpful for me to place myself as a victim in life – I participated in this relationship and I have had my part to play in how things turned out. I don’t want to give up on what could be true love and happiness but I am also tired and struggling to see how I can forgive.

    However, I do need to stop letting all this affect me so badly. I have a huge amount to be grateful for in life. I have been told in the past that I am strong and resilient, and it saddens me that I no longer feel that way myself. I think the most important thing right now is that I work on feeling better in myself.

    February 25, 2017 at 3:14 am #129307
    Johannah7
    Participant

    Hi Hawk00073,

    Thank you for your response. I am very sorry to hear you have been through a similar painful situation but it is wonderful to hear you got through things and life is better for your now. Life as it is now (and has been) is certainly not how I want to live.

    Your views are very interesting as they sound similar to what some people close to me have said. Very early on in these troubles a close friend said she felt compelled to sound the alarm because the relationship sounded coercive. My Mother “lost it” when I told her I was in contact with him again, this has put a huge strain on my relationship with her and also with him. My Mother is not always the best gauge however, as she lives with a lot of her own baggage about men and doesn’t always act in a loving way toward me. However, I am aware that people close to me will not see the whole picture and look at it from a “my side”. Sometimes it’s comforting to hear people being protective and validating your feelings of “screw him, what an a**hole”, but it isn’t always the best support you really need. I’m certainly guilty of expressing the hurt and “bad stuff” to people and not the good with the relationship – although it’s hard when so much of the time I have felt awful.

    You have read my story and come to some similar conclusions as people close to me, which is very interesting. I cannot help but wonder how much I have influenced this by my narrative. Is what I have written another way of me seeking out validation for MY story, and ignoring his? Is the fact that Anita’s first reactions were ones I had felt, and yours so closely aligned with my Mother and friend, a sign that I am refusing to waiver from my perspective (and so not open to understanding and seeing things from his point of view too)? All this torments me as I cannot feel solid in my feelings. It all seems so muddled.

    February 25, 2017 at 10:23 am #129345
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Johannah7:

    You wrote to me: “Your last statement really struck a chord with me ‘The reason you are confused when you listen to him, is that what he tells you is not making sense, it is not true to reality’”- and so, re-read this statement.

    You and I kept referring to the other woman as “his ex” and it just occurred to me she is not his ex, she is his current girlfriend. He has two girlfriends, you and her.

    No wonder “he implores (you) to see this differently”_ he is doing something wrong: having two girlfriends. Instead of correcting his behavior and letting go of one of the girlfriends, he implores you to twist your reasonable thinking in such a way that you think he is not having two girlfriends. And he has been partly successful, so much so that you keep referring to the other woman as “his ex”. (I bought the term too, until today).

    You wrote: “I don’t want to give up on what could be true love and happiness”- when this relationship becomes “true love and happiness”- then, please, do not give it up. But so far it hasn’t and isn’t true love and happiness.

    There is only ONE reality. There are many views but only one reality. When you align your view with this one reality (not with his view), you will find peace of mind.

    anita

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