Dear Laion Pessoa:

The key sentence in your share, for me, is “there were moments when I still felt distant, strange, empty.”- those moments, when not in his presence, what were they about, share more about those moments, if you will.

anita

Dear Laion Pessoa:

I agree with your therapist, that you are trying to escape your parents. Focusing on your mother- you are trying to escape her. Problem is, she is part of you via those neurological pathways in the brain. You loath her, understandably, but because she is part of you, you loath yourself.

The solution (oh, if only it was easy) is in separating from her, mentally. The physical separation, for me, has been necessary. When that happened (no contact at all), my mental separation process only began.

When you separate from your mother, become your own person, finding your own voice- it will be possible for you to be YOU, free of her, not only when partying but within a loving relationship.

Hope you post again, will write more, if you want.

anita

Dear Laion Pessoa:

I think your therapist has great insight (your last paragraph).

I made a mistake in my last post to you where I wrote: “You loath her”, meaning your mother.
Correction: you loved your mother from the beginning, as all children do, and you still long for her love (as well as your father’s).

Back to your therapist’s insight: I remember when my therapist came up with a similar insight. He told me: “you think that your mother is chasing you (to love her), but it is you chasing her.” And it was true only I didn’t know it- I was the one chasing her to love me, waiting for her to finally love me… and years later, I realized why I was chasing and waiting for her to love me… because she didn’t love me so far.

Accepting that my own mother did not and does not love me has been the most difficult thing to be aware of and endure.

I am thinking you are inaccurately projecting your parents/ mother into your boyfriend. This is very common. I didn’t understand this part of your last post: “I felt as if he was there to call me and ask me to come back home for mim… but, then, why didn’t I call him to come with me, you know?”

anita

Hello all… I am new to this but I have been going through a similar situation with my fiancé, well I guess my ex-fiancé right now. I need some clarity & advise. I have had my share of failing relationships in the past. I am a 37 year old single mother of one boy (17 years old). I met the most amazing guy about 18 months ago. For him, as he told me, it was love at first sight. For me, it took me some time to get there because of all in insecurities from past my past relationship, which was an abusive one. I explained this all to him in the first couple of weeks as to why I was so guarded with him & he was the most kind, loving patient man throughout. I finally opened up & allowed myself to love & when it realized it, I fell hard & fast. Our relationship was a whirlwind! Perfect in every way! We never fought, we never needed space or broke up. We discussed marriage & our life long goals. Because we are both older, him being 38, we both knew what we were looking for. He ended up proposing to me last Memorial Day, 8 months into our relationship! What a surprise it was for me! The happiest moment in my life, aside from the birth of my son. We started to plan the wedding within two weeks! We picked the date, August of 2017, Found the venue & booked it, met with the church, everything! Booked everything & even started paying off the vendors, some in full! We were in bliss… And I guess I was a little in shock that this man really wanted to marry me! I would ask him all the time, did you feel pressured to get engaged? His answer always was no… I WANT TO MARRY YOU! I would randomly ask him, joking around, you still want to marry me & his answer was always the same, “of course I want to marry you! You are the best thing that has every happened to me! I love you & you are going to be my wife”.
This past September he was offered a huge promotion at work, to become the superintendent of his own “facility”! He felt it was the smart career move for him to continue to grow. With this promotion, he would have to move. Not out of state, just to the facility where he would be working to be there 24/7 in case something happened. It would be “free housing” for him. He seemed so excited & positive! I supported him through it all! It looked like everything was falling into place! He was placed on probation for 12 months to prove that he can handle this position & that he is a “good fit” for it.
He has a best friend of 17 plus years, who happens to be another female. he dated her over 15 years ago but they decided they were better off as friends. Since that time, she has become a lesbian & is in a long term relationship herself, engaged & all. When he proposed, he asked me if I would mind if she could be his “Best Man”! I was so elated that I had agreed to it. Her & I got along fine up until this point. Everything changed once he out that ring on my finger. Suddenly she would be disrespectful to me or pass crude comments to me or about his & my relationship. It all came to a head recently… more to come on this later in this post.
He started his new position in September of 2016. He literally walked into a nightmare. Everything was falling apart at this new place. The employee’s were drama filled & did nothing but complain about each other. He was still learning his “new position” & the people that worked there & trying to get a handle on the day to day activities that occur there & handle all the repairs that needed to be done as well. There were suppose to be three “managers” there to run this, him being the #1 in command… well he is still the ONLY person there in charge & everything is falling on him! I saw the stress in him & the change in his mental status. He could never leave work at work. It followed him everywhere. He began to lose weight, he wasn’t sleeping properly, eating healthy or even at all at some points. I expressed my concerns to him regarding this. I probably didn’t word it the best way or said it to him at the right times, but I cannot change what has been done or said. The week before Christmas, he had come to me & asked me if I could make amends with his best friend. It hurt me because I felt like he was not standing up for me & asking her to apologize to me for what had happened between us. I broke down & cried to him & explained how I was feeling. I told him every comment she passed to me or about me. I explained how I feel she does not respect our relationship & how I was uncomfortable with her standing next to him at the alter, signing off on our marriage license, when she doesn’t even support or respect us a couple. He thought I was going to leave him & not marry him! He begged me not to leave & to please forgive him for me asking to reach out to her. He assured me that I was the love of his life & how he didn’t understand how strongly I felt about this & he would rectify it. I told him that I would NEVER tell him who he can or cannot be friends with & will respect his friendship with her but he needs to respect how I feel & ask her to step down from the bridal party. He agreed with me & told me he would handle it. He again, told me how he cannot even imagine life without me & how much he loves me & wants to marry me. He even went as far as telling me that he already sees me as his wife & he cannot wait to spend the rest of our days together!
I had gotten sick the day before Christmas Eve with the stomach bug & we were suppose to be driving to visit his parents out of state Christmas morning. I told him that if I was not well enough he should go without me. He was adamant that we wait until Christmas morning to see how I felt because he wanted me to go with him! So that is what we did. We had an amazing trip! Everything was perfect! His parents were, as always, more than gracious to host us & we had the best time! We returned home four days later & spent New Years together! Toasting to 2017 as the best year because we become Husband & Wife!
Three weeks ago, this coming Thursday, we had our normal phone conversation on my commute to work. Everything was fine! Normal… he was stressed about his day with work but nothing out of the norm. We ended the conversation with him telling me he loved me & would call me later.
That evening when I spoke to him on the phone he told me he had a horrible day at work. He found out he wasn’t getting any help at his job for another three months, they added more responsibility to his job, the house we would be moving into wouldn’t be ready until the fall…just everything went to crap that day! He was suppose to have band practice that night but he cancelled, completely out of character for him. I asked him if he wanted me to come over & he said he was so tired, then passed a comment to me, “see I can’t even give our relationship any time… I don’t know if I can do this anymore”. I panicked! I asked him if he was breaking up with me & he said, I don’t know. I hung up immediately and got sick to my stomach. I got in the car & decided to drive to his house to see if I could talk to him, calm him down… I called him on the way & told him I coming.
When I got there he met me at the door. He looked beyond defeated & upset. We went to talk & all he could get was I can’t do this anymore. I am at my breaking point. I can’t handle another thing at work, they keep adding more & more things to my plate, the house won’t be ready until the fall, I can’t give our relationship the time it needs, I can’t give you what you deserve. I can’t even get excited about the wedding because it is stressing me out. I don’t know how I am going to be able to pay for it (because to be honest, he is paying for the whole wedding. I couldn’t give him any monies except what we made at our engagement party & once my tax returns came in, that would all go to him plus extra monies in 2017 that came in with my raise)… I just can’t do this anymore. I asked him, don’t you love me anymore? He said yes, of course I Love you but I can’t do this anymore. So I asked him are you breaking up with me? He replied, I just can’t do this, you aren’t listening to me. Again I asked him, ARE you breaking up with me? Again he replied with you don’t understand, I just can’t do it anymore. So for a third time I said, ARE YOU ENDING THIS? He shook his head yes, then muttered out the word YES. I broke down. I didn’t know what to do. I was blindsided! Everything was fine 7 hours ago! How did this all happen? I took off my ring & threw it on his bed & left! I was devastated. When I got home of course my closest friends & my family were all there to support me. They told me that he was just stresses & to give him time. I text him the following morning simply saying:
I understand you are under a lot of stress. I am here for you when you want to talk. I truly love you with all my heart.
I got no response.. Friday – nothing, Saturday – Nothing, Sunday – Nothing. So I then text him again Monday evening saying:
Thinking of you… I am sure you are not ready to talk to me but if you could please just let me know you are ok
I got back within 10 seconds:
I’m ok…I’ll call you this week
I felt a little relieved. At least he acknowledged me. So I waited… no call Tuesday, no call Wednesday, no call Thursday… I was dying more & more every day but I wanted to respect him. he said he would call me. I didn’t want to add anymore pressure to him. By Friday, I was at my wits end. I received tickets to his favorite sports team for Saturday nights game. So I thought I would bring them to him & some dinner to show him that I care & that I am thinking of you. Take these tickets & have a relaxing fun night. So I text him:
Hey are you going to be home tonight? I have something for you I would like to drop off.
He replied:
Hey. I’ll be home this evening, what time you planning to stop by?
I said after 7pm.
He said ok text me when you are on your way…
So that is what I did. I was so nervous the whole way there.
When I got there, I knocked on the door because I didn’t want to just walk in. He answered & I handed him the Burger King (yes I know not healthy but he loves it) I bought him dinner & said here, didn’t know if you had eaten at all. He took it & said thank you but he was in the ER Wednesday night with his brother until 4am because he got sick off BK. Wonderful, is what went through my head. He invited me in & we went into the living room. I didn’t even take off my jacket because I didn’t want him to think I was there to talk about what happened.
He engaged the conversation. He said, “I truly am sorry, I never meant to hurt you. This has been hell week for me. I have been working 13+ hours a day, I was in the ER with my brother all night the other night. But I had some time to think & I realized that my feelings have changed & I no longer want this”
I was again, in shock. My immediate reaction was to cry, but I didn’t. I told him that I loved him & that I wish he had communicated all this to me when he first started feeling this way. I wished him good luck with his job & in life in general & I left.
I was heartbroken because this came out of no where! So the next day I text him that I didn’t understand what had happened! One morning it was I love you then a few hours later it was I am ending this! It just makes no sense! He text me back, which didn’t even sound like him, there is nothing to wrap your head around. I said everything I did because I was trying to believe that I still was in love with you, when I wasn’t.
It just makes no sense to me! All the monies he has paid out already! The things he said to me, the way he was acting up until that Tursday evening! There were no signs. he did not change the way he acted towards me. The intimacy was still there. He still held my hand! My God, that Monday we were talking about invitations! In fact that phone conversation Thursday morning we were talking about the bridal party & everything! How did this happen??
I don’t know what to do anymore! Do I leave him alone? Do I go to him? What?
My therapist says stress does a lot to a person & he clearly is not thinking rationally. There are a lot of changed going on with him right now. Change in his job, housing, friends, marriage… he can’t handle it all. He is cracking. He can’t give up his career & he is failing at it now & can’t keep his head above water… so what has to give? What can he get rid of to eleviate some of this stress? He said… ME. And he said his feelings changed to make it easier on him, less guilt because he cannot deal.
I believe that! I truly do, yet I am still scared! My whole life was just thrown away… and I don’t know what the best steps to take here is!
Please help me! Advise? Opinions… anything! Please

* Dear debbie79: I read your post. This thread belongs to the Original Poster (OP). If you would like the input of people other than the OP of this thread, please Copy your post, then click FORUMS above, choose a CATEGORY (RELATIONSHIPS, I believe), click that, scroll down the page and Paste your post there. See you there!
anita