Dear Bird:

Looking at the title of your thread: how to rebuild marriage with person who caused emotional damage-

you live with your guard up, alert to danger, for as long as you feel this way. Since you can’t change how you feel, don’t try. I don’t think there is an article that will change the natural dynamic of a person (or any living thing) withdrawing from pain, or running away (emotionally, in your case) from perceived danger.

Sometimes one person causes so much damage in another, that anything but running away is impossible; so much damage that … the damage has been done and can’t be undone.

Give it more time, pay attention to how he behaves and how you feel- gather information on these two fronts and re-evaluate later.

Post anytime.

anita

I wish there had been more answers in this thread.  I’m on the other side of this equation.  I’ve caused so much harm and pain to my wife over 25 years (some I was aware of, lots I wasn’t), but I want to change and want to make her happy.  She doesn’t see that there is a path forward for us and I have a lot of trouble accepting that.  I so desperately want to save our marriage, make her happy, respect her, cherish her and I’m doing everything in my power to change (including men’s behavioural change courses), but she just wants a divorce.   She’s really hurting.

After reading all the stories like mine, it seems there is no chance, but I want to believe there is.  Is there anyone out there that actually recovered from this and ended up in a happy, respectful, healthy relationship without divorce?

I know I’ve been the problem.  I don’t deny it, so please be sensitive in answers.  I’m hurting too.

Dear Makingtide,

I understand how you feel. Although you accept that you have caused harm and pain to your wife over 25 years, the pain and hurt that you experience now is real too. With the little experience that I have, I can only advise what could change the situation quickly. You have to start living in gratitude. You have to practice chanting thank-you’s thousands of times a day. The chanting should not be mindless uttering of the words thank-you but you have to see the beauty of every situation, and every thing. You have to see the good in everything that is happening in your life now. Root out hatred from your being and let your heart open.  If practiced correctly this will quickly change you and the change would be palpable to your wife. Gratitude is magic. But you cannot cheat(lie to yourself) while practicing gratitude, doing so will nullify everything. You need patience too. Within sometime compassion will start flowing and you would be in a better place to make her happy and cherish her. God bless.

Hi Anita
I response to your questions:

1. Did she not tell you over the 25 years in what ways you were hurting her… or did she tell you of these ways only recently?

No, she rarely told me how she was feeling.  She came into the marriage with existing trauma and did not confide deep stuff to me, partly because she was already programmed not to, but also because she was afraid of how I’d react.

2. Did you try to change at any time during the past 25 years of the marriage, or is the current time (because she is considering divorce) the first time that you are trying to change?

I tried a few times to change some of the stuff I became aware of, but now a lot.  It was only when she finally opened up about how much pain I’d caused that I started putting in a serious effort and sought counselling and help from behavioural change specialists. It was not long after that that she told me she wanted a divorce – that initially gave me even more drive to change and demonstrate how I wanted to be for her, but the energy to keep up the changes is lagging and her  attitude toward me is still in divorce mode.  That makes it even harder to find the energy and motivation to change – old habits come back too easily, but I still want to be a better person (with or without her) and I still love her and want to save the marriage.

Dear Makingtide:

I read your two recent posts, including your answers to my questions, and to me, based on posts, and having very little information on your situation, you read like an honest, logical and reasonable man who loves his wife and wants her back.

“she rarely told me how she was feeling.  She came into the marriage with existing trauma and did not confide deep stuff to me, partly because she was already programmed not to, but also because she was afraid of how I’d react…  she finally opened up about how much pain I’d caused…I started putting in a serious effort and sought counselling.. It was not long after that that she told me she wanted a divorce.. her  attitude toward me is still in divorce mode… We are now living apart“-

– If the behaviors on your part that upset her so much during the marriage were closely related to her pre-existing trauma, that is, trauma that preceded the relationship with you (ex.: she was sexually abused and your offensive behavior was a habit of watching pornography), and you were aware of her trauma and yet proceeded to engage in the activity for many years, then I can understand her reluctance to resume a marriage with you.

If the offensive behaviors are not related to her trauma, and/or are minor, or.. are not offenses at all (ex, of the latter: you have a sister who has been nice and respectful to your wife, but your wife doesn’t like your sister’s political views, and felt offended when you visited your sister at your sister’s home), then your wife doesn’t read like a reasonable person.

Maybe the anger she has suppressed for all the years before “she finally opened up” has been too intense and too massive for her to contain and push down again, regardless of the nature of your offensive behaviors. I imagine that her anger at you is not separated from her anger regarding her trauma which preceded her relationship with you.

The variables in the story that have a lot to do with whether you can save and heal the marriage- or not are (1) the nature of her pre-existing trauma, (2) your awareness of her trauma through the years, (3) the nature of your offensive behaviors, (4) whether one of your offensive behaviors has been aggression toward her when angry, verbal or otherwise (“she was afraid of how I’d react”).

You are welcome to elaborate on any of these variables.

anita