Sad and Confused, Please Help

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 13, 2017 at 5:35 am #125162
Cindy
Participant
Hi everyone,

I’m going through something of a breakup but this is the first time I’ve experienced a breakup that has made me even question my will to live. My best friend and I developed romantic feelings for one another and it ended badly. He and I have known each other for three years and we’ve been very close. He’s helped me through relationships as I’ve helped him and it’s even gone as far as me talking him out of committing suicide. Shortly after he and his girlfriend were having problems and they broke up. However, in the course of maybe two months we went from being platonic best friends to becoming flirty and began talking about the possibility of a future together. We fell “in love” very quickly and we talked about moving to another city and even getting married. Looking back, I realize how silly it was but at the time it felt very real and genuine to me. Our attraction to each other became very intense and we ended up having sex. Immediately after having sex something felt off. From the moment I left his house he became distant with me. Here is where I should mention he and I also work together so we see each other every day. He wouldn’t really text me, he avoided making eye contact, and stopped going out of his way to say hello to me in the mornings. About a week after, I found out through social media that he got back together with his girlfriend. I was shattered. I had a panic attack and could literally not breathe. My first thought was that I didn’t want to live anymore. I had never been so hurt and felt so betrayed.

I felt that he took advantage of me and I hated myself for having sex with him. The worst part about all this is that I lost my best friend. He knew me better than a lot of people and knew things about me no one else did. I tried talking to him and asking him why he did what he did but he finds ways to avert the conversation. So I’ve pretended to stop caring. Now he’s hooking up with another girl, even though he’s still with his girlfriend, and he flirts with her in front of me. It’s killing me. I feel useless, ugly, worthless, and unworthy. I see him literally every day and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I wake up with anxiety, I’m not eating anymore, and I’m trying really hard not to just take Xanax all the time to survive my days. I want to know what’s going on. Did he love me? Was it all a lie? Was it all an act to sleep with me?

I’m not even sure what kind of advice I need. I just don’t know how to move on. Even on good days, the second I see him or think about him I have an instant knot in my stomach.

Despite the post, I have tried hard to stay positive. But, wow, it’s really hard to see the bright side all the time.
- This topic was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Cindy.
January 13, 2017 at 7:21 am #125167

zenkoans
Participant

Hi thespencer,

Love can really bring out the worst in us – from both sides. Love that is needy (I need him, he needs me for whatever reason) is really tough to deal with. You both needed each other in the past for support and encouragement and now this person has let you down. Did he sleep with you because he loved you? Probably not but here is the thing that you need to think about – moving forward without him in your life. He is a teacher, he has taught you a lesson and now you need to begin your life anew. You will meet many people like this in your life – some will have a positive effect and some a negative one but they all have a lesson to teach you.

You are on a Buddhist website, so hopefully you will read some articles, quotes about life/relationships that will begin to inspire you. Instead of Xanax, why not try some meditation? Or exercise or do something good or kind for someone else. It will make them happy and maybe you will start to smile again. Because you will smile again.

Take care, stay open and be wise.

January 13, 2017 at 7:53 am #125170

Peter
Participant

The loss of the future that cannot be, the loss of the innocents of love is painful.

There is a time for all things and I think it’s important to take the time to mourn the loss of the imagined future that cannot be. The experience was and is important to you and needs to be respected.

Such break’s ups also cause one at a conscious and subconscious level to reexamine their expectations to love. Their relationship to love as it were. This appears to be a necessary part of our journey of growth and realization of LOVE.

LOVE may be bitter sweet yet that is what gives it flavor, such a realization keeping the door to trusting love open. The innocents of the experience of love may have been lost, bitter, while the depth of Love opened, sweet.

Despite the post, I have tried hard to stay positive. But, wow, it’s really hard to see the bright side all the time.

There is a time for all things. In general it’s ‘better’ to be positive and look and the bright side of things… However I think that can only come about after we allow ourselves to honestly experience our experiences. Break ups hurt and it’s ok to be hurt, angry, disappointed, frustrated, irrational, confused, relieved… You just don’t want to get stuck in those feelings/memories

I believe ‘trying hard’ to be positive might intensifie the swing into negativity when our act of will eventually fails us as any act of will, will. ‘Trying hard’ when it becomes grasping is a sure way of getting stuck

January 13, 2017 at 8:53 am #125176

greenshade
Participant

Hi thespencer.
“Looking back, I realize how silly it was but at the time it felt very real and genuine to me.”
It does not sound silly to me at all. It sounds like you had reason to hope for a future a together (your conversations) and therefore you did hope. I agree with Peter that you need to allow yourself to mourn this loss without judging your feelings. Cry, write angry letters, meditate, whatever you need to do to get in touch with your sorrow. Write what you liked about him, what you disliked, share it here if you like.
Since he is refusing to explain his behavior now you may never know what his true feelings were. But you do know that whatever his feelings, his actions towards you were hurtful. Thinking about his motivations will only serve to prolong the hope that you and him will get back together and is therefore a dangerous train of thought. Try to bring yourself back to the moment whenever you notice yourself starting to go down that route ( I know this is difficult to do, and hurts like crazy also).
Take care of yourself.
Love,
m

January 13, 2017 at 10:48 am #125184

Anonymous
Guest

Dear thespencer:

I am sorry you are going through such pain.

You wrote: “I want to know what’s going on. Did he love me? Was it all a lie? Was it all an act to sleep with me?”

From what you shared, there is no indication of him manipulating you to sleep with him that one time. Reads like it was a mutual progression and initiative. Why did he become non communicative after that one time, I don’t know. What is clear is that he didn’t try to have a second time. There is no indication of him lying to you either.

Reads to me like over the time of the friendship, the two of you needed each other, very much so. The two of you were fragile and needed support. Maybe you were too much alike, in that fragile sense and made great best friends: you helped him when he thought of suicide… and now that you thought it, you could have used his help. Maybe… the two of you being very needy, individually, was congruent with a close friendship but not with a gf/ bf relationship… what do you think?

anita
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