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Living with ex and hoping to get back

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  • January 6, 2017 at 10:14 am #124686
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Philip:

    The screaming and shouting- is it still happening at times or completely gone since the breakup of the bf/gf relationship?

    * Why were there screaming and shouting before; did any of you discuss not screaming and shouting and offered ways for a calmer communication instead?

    anita

    January 6, 2017 at 10:54 am #124689
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hi Phillip,

    You can’t convince someone else to do something they are unsure of. I know right now that youre feelings and your heart are controlling your thought processes and basically screaming at you to try to explain things to her about how you want to change and work on things to improve your relationship and keep her. The problem is that it just doesn’t work that way. She wants time and space to figure herself out and there’s nothing you can do to speed up the process of her doing so. I know it sucks! I’m right there with you… What you do need to do is to take this time and actually work on yourself. Improve as a man. Find out why you react to disagreements with yelling, and fix it. Work on yourself mentally and physically. Exercise, meditate, read, and grow. It will make you more well rounded and more attractive, and when she is ready she may see your improvements and rekindle her attraction to you. Don’t rush, don’t force, don’t be clingy and needy… all these are mistakes that we make that repel instead of attract. Hang in there, it’s tough, and there are always days that feel like absolute hell and you want to lose your resolve. It may or may not work out, but anything you do to improve yourself will stay with you no matter the outcome of your relationship with her…

    Ramone

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by RamoneJoseph.
    January 6, 2017 at 1:36 pm #124712
    Philip
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply Anita. I believe it all stems from my obsession with controlling things as well as my own feeling of low self-esteem. I was very critical of her, I demanded that she should change certain things in her life (which I believed were objectively positive things like quitting smoking pot and tobacco or exercising more). Despite all that, I chose the wrong method of communication, which didn’t really help. That said, in a wicked sort of way I always had her best interest at heart. She interpreted it the wrong way, given my screaming and shouting.

    I really appreciate your comment Ramone. The advice you have given me seems reasonable yet feels so counter-intuitive. I think us still living in the same house makes it extremely difficult for me to resist the temptation to bring up a serious topic and discuss our relationship. That is evidently something she wants to avoid. I will try to incorporate the things you said about self-betterment and all the rest of it. The only problem is whether it is healthy for us to still live together. Perhaps she can move to a different room but might it be that this proximity will still jeopardise our future? Her family doesn’t want me to move out (it’s their house), my family says I should stay and even my ex says I should stay. I’m just so confused.

    January 6, 2017 at 7:05 pm #124739
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Philip:

    Reads to me like it will be better for you to not live with her, better for your mental health, and understandably so. If I was you I would move out.

    anita

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