Dear Viviane:

You asked for “Any advice or words of wisdom to help me stop worrying about this?” I understand that your parents don’t know that your sister was recently kicked out of college. If part of your worry is about their reaction, particularly your mother’s reaction (since your father is detached, you wrote), then I have a comment about this part of your worry:

You wrote about your parents: “They were both physically and verbally abusive towards us, and were mentally and emotionally incompetent parents”- there are consequences to actions. When your parents, including your mother abused your sister, there are consequences to that- she, your sister, got injured. She couldn’t help but to be injured, from the abuse by the grandmother, the parents, and the bullies in school.

I think that your efforts in: “I always end up spending hours consoling her, yet she never recognizes my efforts and my needs or feelings are never acknowledged” are not necessary. Remove this worry. Your parents brought about your sister’s troubles by abusing her. Let them suffer the natural consequences of their actions.

The “good news” is that you are not responsible for your parents’ behavior or for your sister’s troubles: you did not abuse her. It is not your job to console your mother or to fix your sister, neither is it possible for you.

What can you do for your sister? Let her know that
*you understand the nature of her injury, which is the abuse she received. She was a victim.
*she is not responsible for the abuse she received or for the consequences of it (the emotional injuries from the abuse).
*you understand her motivation to find relief from her distress by using drugs, as you have done.
*suggest to her that only she can start the process of her healing, and a good place for her to start is competent psychotherapy. She is not responsible for having been abused, but she is responsible for her healing because no one else can do it for her.

anita