Dear Ramone:

It is a wonderful thing that your ex’s family is standing behind you and not supporting your ex.; this is a bit of justice in a world where justice is uncommon.

As to your desperation well expressed in the last few lines: “End this torment!!!…tell me how!!!! ..Point me in the right direction….”

Who do you want to point you in the direct direction? See, that “codependent” thinking is about Someone Else. There is another term to the codependent principle. It is called Locus Of Control (LOC). There is ELOC, External LOC where you look up to others to direct your life, your thoughts, your feelings, your behavior. ELOC is similar to the concept of codependence.

And there is ILOC, Internal LOC, where you look for that direction in yourself. ILOC is similar to the concept of independence (notice: IN-dependence).

So, how do you shift from codependence to independence, from ELOC to ILOC?

You do it with the little things in your daily life, in the present. You use every opportunity (and no opportunity is too small or trivial) to practice this IN-dependence, or Internal Locus Of Control:

You wake up in the morning, what do you do? List the steps (not all, of course)- list them as 1, 2, 3 into the mid day or evening, give a short description to those 1,2,3… I will respond when you do so, if you do.

anita

Dear Ramone:

Let’s take #1, you get up at 5:30 and leave home at 6:20. Within these 50 minutes, I am assuming you’ve done things the same way every work day, correct? To insert the IN-dependence into these 50 minutes, you need to make conscious choices in that time so that your behavior is not automatic anymore. You have to experiment with new behaviors during these 50 minutes (same principle for the other steps).

For example, let’s say you brush your teeth first and then have breakfast. You may want to have breakfast first and brush your teeth later. The second way may be better for your dental health. Notice I wrote in my last post to you that no opportunity is too small or too trivial to practice independence/ ILOC?

I meant it. And this is the principle, you insert conscious choices into the automatic behavior throughout the day. This is part of the Mindfulness practice. You become mindful, aware, taking power over your life every opportunity.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Ramone:

Yes, one little step at a time. No other way I know of, for you to feel better on the long run. You will be surprised how well this work if and as long as you practice this. In a few weeks, months… you will be amazed. It will not be a “happily ever after” amazing feeling, but gradually, you will feel calmer and calmer, upset at times, then calmer again and over time, you will feel way better, more and more often and the bad feelings will not be this bad or last that long.

Over time you will take control over bigger aspects of your life, but all through the process, there is no aspect that is too small or trivial to take on.

anita