Dear andreapretty:

Please do share: how do you feel stuck; what is your situation about?

anita

Dear andreapretty:

I will summarize your situation to the best of my understanding. Let me know if I understand correctly:

Before you got married, you had a series of relationships, last one was very emotional: he touched your soul, you wrote. But his family didn’t want him to marry you so he cut all contact with you, breaking your heart. Following that, your parents wanted you to marry a stranger. To prevent that you married a male friend. That was 8 years ago. You and your husband were physically intimate only a few times following the honeymoon. You are not attracted to him. Three years into this marriage, you started a physically intimate relationship with a colleague, a married man. This relationship is ongoing for five years now, but has been slowing down because he is busy with his son. You are jealous that he talks with other female colleagues and upset that he is not paying attention to you like he did before. Is it correct so far?

A few questions, for better understanding on my part:

1. Is your husband okay with not having physical intimacy with you; do you sleep in separate rooms; what is the relationship with him like at this point?

2. Do you have a child with your husband, do you intend to have a child or children with him? Does he have such intention?

3. Is it your hope to stay in your current marriage as is and continue the relationship with the other man, as it was, or do you have other hopes or plans?

anita

Dear andreapretty:

You wrote above that you sometimes don’t feel suitable for your husband, that you are not made for each other and that you can’t think about being physically intimate with him. Your parents and his parents are pressuring the two of you to have children. On the other hand, you are completely devoted to your boyfriend.

More questions:

Is it at all a possibility for you to not have children with your husband in spite of family pressure?

is it a possibility for you to get separate and divorce your husband?

Are you hoping your married boyfriend will divorce his wife and marry you- is that an option you consider?

anita

Dear andreapretty:

You are in a very tough situation. You wrote that your parents used to fight a lot when you were a child, maybe they still do. So you grew up without a feeling of safety and love in your home. Then you were very attached to a boyfriend about 10 years ago. Now you are very attached to the married boyfriend.

Your current emotional attachment, to the boyfriend is very strong, and seems like it is the most powerful part of your life, your number one priority and concern, your deepest need.

So you want to remain his girlfriend while he remains married to another woman. You have no plans or motivation to end your relationship with him. What you want is to get more of his attention while he remains married to another woman.

You are managing your life in such a way as to satisfy your parents’ want for you to be married, to satisfy your husband in all ways except for physical intimacy, to experience love with the other man without hurting his family, to avoid society’s criticism by remaining married and having the other relationship in secret. Going on this way, you are likely to have a child or two with your husband so to satisfy your parents and his. Do you agree, that you are likely to become a mother so to satisfy both sets of parents?

If you did get more attention from the boyfriend, will you be happy?

anita

Dear andreapretty:

What is the right thing for you to do, I ask myself. The most telling sentence you wrote, in regard to the right thing to do is in your last post: ” I might end up in frustration, spoiling the childhood of the baby. Either I will b depressed or then the baby’s childhood will be like mine.”

The right thing for you to do is to not have a child in this marriage, in this situation because it is wrong to destroy a new life. It is definitely wrong to bring a child into a bad situation, to pass on a bad childhood to another generation. Of this, I am certain.

And so, if there will be pressure put upon you by his parents, your parents, society and maybe he, himself, to have a child, and the only way to not have a child is to separate from him, then separation will definitely be the right thing to do.

The tough situation: your unsafe, inadequate childhood, the arranged marriage culture, societal rejection and abuse when you defy societal conventions- these make it tough.

If you were employed, or being able to make good money (?), then there would be the possibility of moving to another location or even country where you don’t feel the severe pressure to follow conventions, to live a lie, so that society doesn’t punish you.

Is there a way for you to communicate with your husband, since he was your friend, maybe still is- to tell him more about your situation? Maybe he has a good, forgiving heart. Maybe he can help you?

As you can see, I keep asking questions because this is a complex, tough situation. To see your struggle in the big picture of your history, culture, societal conventions, is to see multiple ingredients to the situation, all need to be addressed. Therefore, if you’d like, let’s keep communicating. Hopefully it will result in more and more clarity.

anita

Dear andreapretty:

I understand that you are scared. Don’t rush yourself to find a solution right away. Your situation is tough but not impossible to resolve. We can communicate here again and again, on this very thread, not only today but the next day and the next day, bring some clarity to the situation and work on solutions.

Calm down best you can, take deep breaths, maybe go for a walk, if possible, so to calm down.

Your last post gives me more information- there is pressure coming from your husband. Giving in to that pressure is going to hurt you a lot, not to mention, it will hurt a new little person coming into this tough world.

Most important right now: do not have physical intimacy with your husband so to not get pregnant. I suppose you are using birth control (?) because of the activity with the boyfriend? Continue using those.

Your husband is not likely to help you then, because he is heavily influenced by his parents, by appearances (having a child gives the appearance of a working marriage, an appearance he needs to show his parents, acquaintances etc.). Your parents are not likely to help you- they didn’t help you when you were a child, and they already pressured you to marry a stranger, before you married this man.

Back to employment: are you employed and do you have access to any money that will make it possible for you to move away? (not that you are ready to move away even if you had all the money in the world, your attachment to the boyfriend being as strong as it is).

For now, calm down, take that walk, post anytime. Relax, and don’t do anything (other than to not get pregnant!) No need to do anything different for a while.

anita

Post again and yet again, andreapretty. When I am on the computer (daily, often)- will answer you as soon as I see a new post by you.
anita

Dear andreapretty:

I am thinking that your quest, what you need is mental (and physical) well being. What you need is to feel okay. What will it take for you to be mentally well, is the question. If a particular relationship harms your well being, then that relationship needs to be changed or eliminated.

You mentioned “a storm of thoughts”- feel free to share that storm.

anita