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Anxiety about new relationship

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  • This topic has 14 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • #123199
    Emmy
    Participant

    Hello!!

    So I have been ‘seeing’ this guy for 3 months and we have recently made it ‘official’. Trouble is, I suffer with MAJOR anxiety with relationships and it doesn’t help that I was in a toxic relationship earlier this year. My boyfriend is the kindest person i’ve ever dated. He is funny, embraces my quirks and is super supportive. He lives 2 hours away from me but we are still able to see eachother quite regularly. However, I am getting really anxious about my new relationship but I can’t seem to decide on whether this is due to gut feelings or just pure anxiety? I do have a good time when i’m with him but I don’t get that feeling of ‘I want to rip your clothes off!!’ Should I carry on giving this a go or should I walk away from this? I feel like we have a really great friendship… could this be a brilliant foundation for a relationship?

    Thankyou!

    #123206
    Peter
    Participant

    I firmly believe that we create what we fear so having anxiety issues is going to make discernment difficult. The car goes where the eyes go. Staying focused on the anxiety and that is what you will see.

    Your statement about Not having the feeling of wanting to rip his clothes off, reminded me of a song by Collin ray

    “Not That Different”

    She said we’re much too different
    We’re from two separate worlds
    And he admitted she was partly right
    But in his heart’s defense he told her
    What they had in common
    Was strong enough to bond them for life
    He said look behind your own soul
    And the person that you’ll see
    Just might remind you of me

    I laugh, I love, I hope, I try
    I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry
    And I know you do the same things, too
    So we’re really not that different, me and you

    She could hardly argue
    With his pure and simple logic
    But logic never could convince a heart
    She had always dreamed of loving someone more exotic
    And he just didn’t seem to fit the part
    So she searched for greener pastures

    But never could forget
    What he whispered when she left

    I laugh, I love, I hope, I try
    I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry
    And I know you do the same things, too
    So we’re really not that different, me and you

    Was it time or was it truth
    Maybe both lead her back to his door
    As her tears fell at his feet
    She didn’t say “I love you”
    What she said meant even more

    I laugh, I love, I hope, I try
    I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry
    And I know you do the same things, too
    So we’re really not that different, me and you

    #123207
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ejsid123:

    Reads to me that it is your major anxiety that is troubling you in this new relationship and not a valid gut feeling. When you suffer from intense anxiety, that ongoing, excess fear interrupts much of your thinking and feeling, sticks to almost everything that is going on in your life.

    Such intense anxiety interferes with physical attractions feelings as well (“I don’t get that feeling of ‘I want to rip your clothes off!!”)

    Relax best you can- our thinking and feelings are reliable when we are relaxed. Invest in relaxation skills- guided meditations, mindfulness (moving/ day-to-day living kind of ongoing meditation), competent psychotherapy if possible for you.

    And do post here anytime you want, with concerns about your relationship or otherwise, if you would like my input, for one.

    anita

    #123211
    Emmy
    Participant

    Thankyou both for your responses!

    I never really thought about anxiety affecting my physical attraction before. The last couple of times i’ve seen him, i’ve spent the time trying to evaluate how I was feeling and at times wasn’t sure if I was ‘feeling it’? Could this be down to anxiety and me putting unnecessary pressure on the situation?

    Thankyou 🙂

    #123213
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ejsid123:

    Yes. A person is not likely to feel attraction when anxious and overthinking. When you overthink- you under-feel. When you live in your head, thinking, thinking, distressed- you don’t live in your body. This is why anxious people complain about living-in-their-heads. They (as I have been) overthink.

    Having suffered from anxiety for decades, and still (although in the process of healing), I was a stranger to my body, confused, unaware. A practice of slow yoga helped me a lot at the time, to come down the elevator from my head to my body.

    anita

    #123219
    Peter
    Participant

    One of the quickest way to lose the experience of joy or happiness is when we try to capture them for examination.
    Whenever you find yourself evaluating your feelings you’re not feeling them your thinking them.

    #123228
    Emmy
    Participant

    I definitely spend a lot of my life over-thinking, over-analysing and thinking about the future. I do really struggle to just be present in the moment so that is something that I need to work on.

    I definitely think that I have some form of Relationship OCD. There is a repeat pattern with my relationships and I am always the one to end things, mainly because I am so focused on a tiny factor about the person and I become obsessed with it and just have to end things there and then. I do also expect some sort of perfection with the relationships and constantly compare them to others. I never fear the relationship ending or me not being good enough, it is always the other way round… which makes me sound like a horrible person I know! I am absolutely terrified about being stuck in this cycle forever, and me always finding a reason as to why it cannot work 🙁

    #123233
    Peter
    Participant

    I definitely think that I have some form of Relationship OCD

    One of the purposes of relationships is to heal or past so repeating a pattern is expected. Not OCD
    The goal is to become conscious of the patterns and step out of them when we notice them.
    We will always trip into old ways but the sooner the we notice the sooner we can respond to the situation.

    I found the book ‘How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful’ Loving by David Richo Helpful.

    Lots of tools to help a person become aware of the patterns being repeated so they might step out of them.

    #123245
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ejsid123:

    I am familiar with OCD and the newer term ROCD. A relationship causes you anxiety, you try to find the logic behind it so to justify ending it, so you see the man in an unflattering way, you go on with ongoing commentary about how unattractive he is and so forth.

    This is something for you to notice as it happens, dismiss the commentary that is aimed at ending the relationship, the unreasonable complaints about who he is (not). Apply relaxation techniques, attend competent psychotherapy so to manage and heal the underlying anxiety which is fueling your ROCD.

    This is going to be tough, so brace yourself for the long haul. Take a day at a time, sometimes a moment at a time, calm yourself repeatedly and get the therapy help that you need…?

    anita

    #123272
    Emmy
    Participant

    That sums me up perfectly! Then once my anxiety is settled with one aspect of him, it moves on to another. These things are often so small and if I were to voice these concerns, I’d probably sound ridiculous most of the time.

    I will definitely look into some relaxation techniques. I see a therapist and have discussed these issues with her, but I have not yet explored the ‘ROCD’ option with her.

    Thankyou so much for your help 🙂

    #123278
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ejsid123:

    You are welcome. It is important that you do explore and learn to manage the ROCD while you are in a relationship with a decent man (can’t explore it outside such)- it is an opportunity to confront and manage these ROCD symptoms.

    Here is what I suggest to do currently as an unflattering thought occurs to you about the man:

    Disengage from the thought. Instead of having the thought “catch fire’ so to speak, having it stick, let it go. How? Prepare a place in your brain where you go to when you have an ROCD thought. That place is a place of safety and calm. From there you observe (not engage with) the ROCD thought. You look at it, not get into it. Observe it and let it dissipate, disintegrate.

    anita

    #123285
    Emmy
    Participant

    Yeah, I suppose the only way I can learn to manage it is by living the experience. Prior to a relationship, I do tend to just assume that all will be fine, especially with the ‘right person’. My boyfriend is most certainly a decent man, there are no ‘red flags’ whatsoever and we get on so well.

    Thankyou for that advice. I will try my best to disengage from the thoughts and give them less power. Obviously this is going to take some time, but at least I now know where to begin.

    My therapist said “I could present to you the most eligible Batchelor in the world, but you’d still find a reason not to be in a relationship with him.” Definitely some food for thought 🙂

    #123286
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ejsid123:

    Did you explore in therapy your relationship/s with your mother/ father as a child (and currently)?

    Do you see a connection between these early relationship/s and your ROCD?

    anita

    #123288
    Emmy
    Participant

    Yes that’s something that I have discussed win my therapist. I have a very close relationship with my parents, especially my mom. My mom has OCD traits and practically has a meltdown when it comes to making decisions. She is the first to offer opinion and is sometimes quite critical of others.

    I also suffered from Anorexia Nervosa from the age of 15/16 for four years and I am now in remission. Could this have had an impact?

    #123289
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ejsid123:

    Anorexia Nervosa, OCD and many, many mental diagnoses are combinations of symptoms with anxiety as the core issue, the underlying problem.

    So I would go before the Anorexia to look for the cause of your anxiety- when you wrote that your mother is “sometimes quite critical of others”- how has she been critical of you (as early as you can remember)?

    anita

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