I meant to say that I’ve had about 25 jobs in my adult life to clarify a typo…:)

Aren’t you a smart woman Anita..:)

Yes, my childhood was stressful. My mother had to raise us three children and work. She was always yelling (that’s just the way she is), and the yelling was horrible. I moved into my fathers house when I was 11 and he lived two blocks away. I begged my mother to stop yelling at me, but she didn’t. In therapy, we talked about how my pain brought on from the yelling possibly, has created a form of punishment to my mother for raising me with yelling, when I begged her to stop.

My mother and I have talked about this, but this rebelling against work still persists.

It’s almost like I have PTSD…

Hi Anita,

Wow, complex PTSD…I never heard of that, so I’ll do some research on it. It’s interesting, all the therapists I’ve see through out my adult life never came to that conclusion. I will say though, It sounds pretty spot on. Even though my mother yells, I’m pretty close with her. She says that the only thing wrong with me is my issue with work. Unfortunately, without work, I’m not able to do a lot of things I love to do, (not to mention having a relationship with a woman).

I’m so curious as to how/why I play this is out in my work life? What is my benefit?

I’ll also look up emotional regulation. I unfortunately don’t have health insurance (but I do have medi-cal), so I’ll see if if there are any good therapists in Los Angeles that practice emotional regulation. Anita, I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent trying to see what’s wrong with me. I spend at least an hour a day, meditating, journaling, writing everything I’m grateful for, and doing activities that make me feel good. It’s a true battle that I face on a day to day basis.

I really hope that this is the cause of my self sabotage (complex PTSD). And I really hope it doesn’t take me years to work on it. But I haven’t given up yet, so what’s a couple more years of therapy…:)

Thank you very much for your help Anita. And if there is anything that you could add, please don’t hesitate!

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your responses. Intuitively, this feels like the right diagnosis, (but I’m not a doctor).
I was just looking at a book (as you sent this to me) by Pete Walker. I’ll check out his website. I was just on http://www.outofthestorm.com
and it seems to have some good info on CPTSD.

Curiously, you wouldn’t happen to have the name of the Therapist in Ventura would you?
I’ll do a little research now and see if I could find them.

And yes, I have self sabotaged myself in regards to my work life. And interestingly enough, I haven’t been in a serious relationship with a woman in 10 years. My ex wife just got up and left and went back to Austria, never really knowing why she left. That was also very traumatizing!!!
Funny, I was putting together a patio heater for my mother today and she was yelling something to me while I was outside. I realized in that moment how horrible it made me feel.

Thank you again Anita!!!!!

Hi Anita (and anyone who is reading this)…:)

I’ve been super super sick with the flu and had to house/dog sit for my best friend in Manhatten Beach for the past three nights.
It was so quiet and peaceful, I really enjoyed it.

I’m now home and feel such frustration and anger towards my mother (who is constantly yelling) and a deep feeling of sarrow about her.
While having a conversation with her about my self diagnoses of CPTSD, she just said, “oh yeah, my therapist told me I have that as well”.
I can totally see why she has it, her father was incredibly abusive towards her and all women. But she has never gotten any help for it.
I’m trying really hard not to be mad at her right now (because of my past and now current state of not being able to hold down a job).

I know that is not productive and me telling her this will only make her feel guilty and I don’t think she’ll change.

I can’t even afford to purchase Pete Walkers book right now. And I don’t have medical insurance, so I don’t see how I’m going to get help. And knowing that this is a long process to heal, makes me feel depressed, angry, and at a loss…I really don’t know how to get out of this situation other then see if they have the book at the library and read article online about PTSD. I have never given up on myself, (which is why I am so mentally tired), but not having any money to leave my mothers guest house, purchase a book that could help me, and the means to take care of myself financially so I can move out, is really bumming me out.

Any thoughts about this?
And anyone who is reading this, I’m more then happy to hear your thoughts.

Thank you!

Anita,
You are such a great help, thank you!

I’ll look up his articles and find out about share.

and I have no problem having a talk with her about her yelling…:)

Anita,

I will get to the articles and finding out about Share tomorrow. I’ve had a terrible flu bug that is taking me down for the fourth day now.

I had a talk with my mother already….I explained to her that if she wants to help me now, please don’t yell at me (or my nieces and nephews when I’m around). I have to take baby steps with my versus her to stop yelling at everyone.
She said she would do her best. I told her that I use to tell her as a child, “please don’t yell at me, it’s hurting my heart, you just can’t see the pain it’s causing”. She doesn’t remember me saying it as a child, but does remember me saying it last week.

I know that she gets defensive and guilty about these things when I bring them up. I told her I don’t care about what she did when I was a child, I just need to heal. I’ve told her in the past (as part of my own healing process) what she did in the past in detail and how it affected me. i know this sounds wild, but she doesn’t remember a lot from when I was a child. She doesn’t understand completely how much the yelling hurts me still…I don’t know if she is denial, doesn’t want to face it, or what, but my complete honesty doesn’t seem to get through, because she still yells.
My dad is the total opposite of my mom, he’s a total chiller. Loved by everyone. Except, he doesn’t know how to handle emotions…He never asks how I’m doing and when I open up to him, he just says “hang in there”.

thank you for the follow up and I’ll let you know about Share and the articles tomorrow. 🙂