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Dear magnoliachrysanthe:

You wrote: “The first time we talked about this he told me that he felt bad.
The next time we talked, he told me that he thought I felt bad”

Please notice, open your mind to the possibility that he felt bad AND that he thought that you felt bad. Often a person can feel bad because they are thinking someone they care about is feeling bad.

The way you understood the above (non) contradiction is that with the first sentence he took responsibility for his feeling bad and in the second sentence he blamed you for him feeling bad. You interpreted it to be either X or Y, when reality is often X AND Y.

Reads to me that you came into this relationship with a belief, a core belief (one formed in childhood), that you are guilty for other people’s feeling bad. Maybe a parent blamed you for making them feel bad. Maybe you had a parent who felt badly a lot and you felt (as children do) that you caused it.

So what may be happening is that you are … fighting this core belief, focusing on any sign of you being blamed (when you are blamed… and when you are NOT), and arguing against the accusation.

Such a core belief can distort your understanding of his verbal input, make you jump the conclusion that something (blaming) is going on when it is not.

Are you open to consider what I just wrote? let me know.

anita

Dear magnoliachrysanthe:

How to address issues without him getting angry?

You tried to Try to be nice and talk calmly, mention something positive/make a compliment before addressing the issue and you Tried to relate to him and then explain my point of view. these methods failed.

Looking at the latest conversation between the two of you, in parenthesis I will write a possibility (only a possibility or two) of what each person was thinking:

“Him: How is your night?
Me: Great. Why? (I am pretending to have a good time, are you saying I am not pretending well enough/I am feeing better than I did before, in comparison I am feeling great, so what is your problem?)

Him: It dosen’t seem like you’re having a good time. (She definitely looks like she is not having a good time. Why is she lying to me? Or am I crazy..?)

Me: Well, I am. How are you?
Him: I’m fine as well. (Why bother be honest with you about how I feel; you are not honest with me!)

Talking about it later (him): I felt bad. (the truth)
Talking about it again for the 3. time (him): I thought you felt bad. (You sure looked like you were feeling bad and that made me feel bad.)

My answer to your question (B) depends on your further reply.

anita

Dear magnoliachrysanthe:

Obviously there has been significant miscommunication between the two of you, brought about by the two of you.

I would tell him something like this: X, we’ve been fighting on and off for a long time. I want our relationship to change: I want to be each other’s best friend, to feel safe and comfortable to be ourselves with each other.

I think I often misunderstood what you told me. I don’t want to guess anymore as to what you mean when you say this or that because I guessed wrong. I want to be able to ask you: what did you mean by saying this? I will be asking this only so I can understand what you really meant.

I want you to be able to ask me the same, and I intend to answer you honestly, without thinking you have ulterior motives for asking me, instead, trusting that you are only trying to understand what I meant by saying something.

I don’t want to argue and I don’t want talking with each other to be a chore anymore. I want us to learn how to talk with each other simply, clearly, honestly.

I want us to feel safe with each other, not like enemies, but best friends.

anita