Dear Mike:

You wrote that your wife had the affair in September of this year, more than two months ago; less than three, and that was at about the time of your one year wedding anniversary. So you got married September 2015.

In the paragraph before last you wrote that you have been suffering for a solid year. Can you correct the dates, seems like a mistake there?

anita

Dear Mike:

You wrote in your original post that you concluded that you want to forgive her for her affair but you’ve been suffering a whole lot of the time, every day, in the last year, thinking of her affair.

You want to stop suffering, understandably. There are a few things that need to be taken care of so to make it possible for you to reduce or eliminate this suffering:

1. Do you trust her now? If you haven’t trusted her this last year, and still, then the suffering has a point, so to speak, it is telling you: this will happen again. Whether or not she is trustworthy, I don’t know. Whether or not you should trust her or not, I don’t know. But if part of you does not trust her, it may still be keeping the suffering going, as an alarm for the next time.

2. Is this relationship good for you- do you really want to keep it going?

Will be back to the computer hours from now.

anita

Having been with someone who put his computer games before me, I understand what she was feeling but it still does not justify her cheating on you. Maybe you have not been perfect but the fact that you can admit to your mistakes says a lot about you, it takes a big person to do that especially after being betrayed. For me personally being cheated on is something that I could never get past I would not be able to stay with them. But some people are able to get past that, depending on how in love you still both are with each other and how much your marriage means to both of you then maybe you could try couples therapy or counseling together? It would be a big first step in showing her that you changed and are ready to put her first and be there for her. Maybe the counselor can give you tips on how to get past this and find a way to really see if you can trust her again.

About trying to conceive my husband and I have been trying for 2 years also, because of that, I have done A LOT of reading and research on infertility or just having a hard time conceiving. I do not have PCOS but I have read about many women who have had it and still got pregnant there are also many articles confirming that pregnancy IS possible with PCOS she might need medical help but it is not impossible. She can always try fertility treatments which is what I have been doing it’s a hard emotional road but you can get there. Also sometimes it’s just trying to stay positive and keep hope that it will happen also stress is a huge factor that can hinder getting pregnant. Sometimes it also just happens when it is supposed to she should try and see if she can find a support group or forum of women going through the same thing it could help her to know that she is not alone and give her some hope to read all the success stories people have.

The first step though before having kids is to see if you can fix your marriage to make it a strong and happy one. Good luck to the both of you. Sorry for the long reply.

Dear Mike,

Who knows, maybe this is oddly another chance for both of you to come closer when things have reached a real low point?

She is at a point grappling with not being able to have children easily – for a woman, that is devastating to say the least. You didn’t support her the way a spouse should during the time and indulged more in computer games. She didnt communicate her misery either and succumbed to support in a maladaptive way – infidelty.

Regarding swearing on her grandpa, I hope he is well and that gosh, she must have been really a mess to lie like that…doesn’t sound like someone with a record of being a bad partner in the past and seems like a caring person in reality.

Both of you may benefit greatly from couples therapy to work out the above issues – learn wats to be better partners in a marriage. It’s been 2 years – still early – you want to be with her still…see this as a time when one of you has to stay strong to save the marriage and move forward.

I also have a suggestion regarding PCOS – I am not sure which age group your spouse is in right now but weight management, proper medication, hormone balancing foods are immensely helpful. I have heard about a natural remedy called vitex too though i do not have first hand experience with this.

It is difficult to conceive but not impossible especially if her age group isn’t too much on the older scale. It would be helpful if she had someone by her side to find a solution. However, that part of course is for the future when things are figured out.

The question though is – are you willing to have a future with her and have both of you fight through this difficult time?

Regards
Nina