Wife cheated on me a year ago - help

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This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Nina Sakura.

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December 1, 2016 at 9:08 am #121676

Michael
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I would love any help that anyone can offer to help me overcome my suffering.

In September of 2016, my wife had an affair with one of her co workers, this affair became physical three days before our first wedding anniversary and continued for a further month with her having sex with him twice.

Prior to this, I felt that we were growing apart and I asked her twice for us to work together to become closer as a couple and she promised me that we would work on being closer and better together. During our anniversary holiday, I found some texts from this other man that were suspicious and confronted her about them. She looked me in the eye, put my hand on her heart and promised me on her grandfathers life that nothing was going on. After this, she continued to text him and slept with him one more time.

It’s easy to portray her as a terrible person but I think some background will probably not make me look too good. She is a wonderful person, she does everything for everyone. She would make my lunch and dinner and I would spend all of my time playing computer games, At the weekend, if she was going into town and asked if I wanted to stay at home and play computer games, I would cheer and say yes. I didn’t think about this at all but in retrospect I can see that this devastated her.
In addition, from November 2015 have been trying for a baby. In February of 2016, she found out that she had Poly cystic ovaries syndrome which prevents her from conceiving naturally. She went to the test on her own because I was at home playing computer game s. She told me that she had this condition and I was sad and supported her but I didn’t really appreciate just how debilitating this was for her – this was the end of her dreams. She tried some homeophatic solution that involved some kind of acupuncture combined with electricity, she said that it was the most painful experience of her entire life. She asked me several times to go with her but I was either working hard at work or I was at home playing computer games.

Looking back, I appreciate that I wasn’t a very good husband. I didn’t appreciate it at the time but I neglected her. She started talking to this guy at work simply because she didn’t have anyone to talk to at home. What she was doing was wrong and she knew it but I guess I can understand why should would appreciate the attention.

She said that she was in such a terrible place, so utterly broken that she didn’t even want to continue living. She didn’t want to have sex with him in the first place and after it happened, she regretted her actions but continued talking to him. She claims she didn’t really appreciate the magnitude of her actions. It was only after the second time that she realised that she was actually having an affair and she stopped it. I caught her shortly afterwards and she confessed everything immediately.

I have concluded that I would like to forgive her, I want to move on with my life. In a lot of ways, I know that I am lucky to still have her in my life. That said, I have spent a solid year suffering, I just want something to help me alleviate my pain, I wake up in the morning and the fact that she cheated on me is the first thing that enters my mine, its then in the back of my mind every waking minute of the day until blessed oblivion takes me in the evening.

If anyone could provide any practical guidance on just letting go and moving on with my life I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you everyone,
Mike

December 1, 2016 at 9:17 am #121677

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mike:

You wrote that your wife had the affair in September of this year, more than two months ago; less than three, and that was at about the time of your one year wedding anniversary. So you got married September 2015.

In the paragraph before last you wrote that you have been suffering for a solid year. Can you correct the dates, seems like a mistake there?

anita

December 1, 2016 at 10:18 am #121688
Michael
Participant
That will teach me not to proof read!

We got married in 2014, she had an affair in 2015 and here I am in 2016!

We started trying for a child in November 2014 and she was diagnosed with pcos in February 2015
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by Michael.
December 1, 2016 at 10:34 am #121694

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mike:

You wrote in your original post that you concluded that you want to forgive her for her affair but you’ve been suffering a whole lot of the time, every day, in the last year, thinking of her affair.

You want to stop suffering, understandably. There are a few things that need to be taken care of so to make it possible for you to reduce or eliminate this suffering:

1. Do you trust her now? If you haven’t trusted her this last year, and still, then the suffering has a point, so to speak, it is telling you: this will happen again. Whether or not she is trustworthy, I don’t know. Whether or not you should trust her or not, I don’t know. But if part of you does not trust her, it may still be keeping the suffering going, as an alarm for the next time.

2. Is this relationship good for you- do you really want to keep it going?

Will be back to the computer hours from now.

anita

December 1, 2016 at 12:33 pm #121707

Michael
Participant

Thanks for the response.

I must admit, the promising on her grandfathers life that nothing was going on is a memory that still haunts me. That said, she genuinely is a wonderful person. She spends all of her time trying to think of nice things to do for her friends and family, she is entirely selfless. What she did was terrible and a betrayal of my trust. That said, I know for sure that if either
a) she could conceive naturally
b) I was there for her when she needed me,

This would not have happened. She has never communicated very well and basically just lived with the thought of having PCOS every day. The way she describes it is very similar to how I think about her cheating on me. I.e she would wake up knowing that she has PCOS and cant have kids and it would stay with her all throughout the day. Shes not good at talking to friends.
Its a round about way of getting to a conclusion but yes I do think that I can trust her now.

I know that she regrets what she has done. She says she hates herself every day (I think she needs a bit of counseling) and just thinking about it makes her feel physically sick.

In response to your second question, she is wonderful. Its difficult to narrow down the number of things that I love about her and looking back I really regret that I neglected her so badly. I am absolutely dead set on staying with her so long as I can actually get past this. If I cannot then I will divorce as there isnt any point in both of us being miserable.

Thank you for your questions by the way as I hadn’t ever previously thought about them.

December 1, 2016 at 7:15 pm #121717

Isabelle
Participant

Having been with someone who put his computer games before me, I understand what she was feeling but it still does not justify her cheating on you. Maybe you have not been perfect but the fact that you can admit to your mistakes says a lot about you, it takes a big person to do that especially after being betrayed. For me personally being cheated on is something that I could never get past I would not be able to stay with them. But some people are able to get past that, depending on how in love you still both are with each other and how much your marriage means to both of you then maybe you could try couples therapy or counseling together? It would be a big first step in showing her that you changed and are ready to put her first and be there for her. Maybe the counselor can give you tips on how to get past this and find a way to really see if you can trust her again.

About trying to conceive my husband and I have been trying for 2 years also, because of that, I have done A LOT of reading and research on infertility or just having a hard time conceiving. I do not have PCOS but I have read about many women who have had it and still got pregnant there are also many articles confirming that pregnancy IS possible with PCOS she might need medical help but it is not impossible. She can always try fertility treatments which is what I have been doing it’s a hard emotional road but you can get there. Also sometimes it’s just trying to stay positive and keep hope that it will happen also stress is a huge factor that can hinder getting pregnant. Sometimes it also just happens when it is supposed to she should try and see if she can find a support group or forum of women going through the same thing it could help her to know that she is not alone and give her some hope to read all the success stories people have.

The first step though before having kids is to see if you can fix your marriage to make it a strong and happy one. Good luck to the both of you. Sorry for the long reply.

December 1, 2016 at 8:32 pm #121718

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mike:

You wrote in your original post: “”She claims she didn’t really appreciate the magnitude of her actions. It was only after the second time that she realised that she was actually having an affair”-

The first time she had sex with the man, she did not realize that she was having an affair, not during the deed and not afterwards. And not during the second time. Only after the second time, did she realize she was having an affair.

There is a disorder called Dissociative Fogue, that I think explains this- amnesia. If she suffers from Dissociative Fogue then you can’t trust her behavior, can you?

And if she is lying to you, as she already did, you can’t trust her, can you?

anita

December 1, 2016 at 10:10 pm #121723

Nina Sakura
Participant

Dear Mike,

Who knows, maybe this is oddly another chance for both of you to come closer when things have reached a real low point?

She is at a point grappling with not being able to have children easily – for a woman, that is devastating to say the least. You didn’t support her the way a spouse should during the time and indulged more in computer games. She didnt communicate her misery either and succumbed to support in a maladaptive way – infidelty.

Regarding swearing on her grandpa, I hope he is well and that gosh, she must have been really a mess to lie like that…doesn’t sound like someone with a record of being a bad partner in the past and seems like a caring person in reality.

Both of you may benefit greatly from couples therapy to work out the above issues – learn wats to be better partners in a marriage. It’s been 2 years – still early – you want to be with her still…see this as a time when one of you has to stay strong to save the marriage and move forward.

I also have a suggestion regarding PCOS – I am not sure which age group your spouse is in right now but weight management, proper medication, hormone balancing foods are immensely helpful. I have heard about a natural remedy called vitex too though i do not have first hand experience with this.

It is difficult to conceive but not impossible especially if her age group isn’t too much on the older scale. It would be helpful if she had someone by her side to find a solution. However, that part of course is for the future when things are figured out.

The question though is – are you willing to have a future with her and have both of you fight through this difficult time?

Regards
Nina
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