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Unsure about the future, relationship not progressing much. (Long)

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #118908
    Ninja
    Participant

    Dear Oaktree –

    I’m sincerely sorry to hear that you are going through this. While I’m a guy, I can relate on many levels – and with you both.

    As is often the case in these cathartic posts on Tiny Buddha, one sentence jumped out from the rest:

    “It sucks that he is willing to do these things only after I threatened a break up, I wish he would have wanted to do them on his own.”

    This was your heart speaking. You weren’t recounting something to us readers. You were truly reflecting how you feel.

    I believe that some of the anxiety you’re feeling is that this has been going on for far too long – and you simply don’t know how to end it. While Jay sounds like a wonderful guy and he may have baggage (we all have baggage), he’s at a vastly different level of maturity as you. That’s not his fault. And that’s not your fault. Sure, you can have great sex, laugh, and spend fun times together. But so do many teens – and Jay is stuck in his teen years. And no matter how hard you try, you can’t get him to mature any faster to catch up with you.

    I once heard someone far smater than me say most marriages fail because, “The wife has high expectations and wants her new husband to grow into someone she hopes he someday will become — while the new husband wants his bride to stay as young and beautiful as she is on her wedding day.” Both fail.

    I’m usually a proponent of telling people to “work at it” and “hang in there.” But in your case I think you know what to do – a clean break. You are still young, single and don’t have any children between the two of you to make you stay. You’re even theorizing it in your head. From the job to the license to meeting your family, he has had his chance many times over. Only when you’re taking him to “the very edge” is he saying everything you want to hear. Again, that’s immaturity. And, aside from the drama and tears, that’s simply messing with you, sister. You deserve better than this. You deserve a man.

    If you choose to break with him, then give yourself the healing “gift” of time. A month. Two months. Maybe three (after the holidays, which are always super tough). Don’t drink! And don’t see Corey. Really. Just spend time with yourself – and good girlfriends. Take another trip. (I suggest Sorrento, Italy – but that’s just me.) You are a different person for knowing and being with Jay. Reflect on the positive that came out of it – because there are positives. But it wasn’t meant to be long-term. Get to know yourself again! And value yourself. I’m sure you were positive for Jay, too. Should he meet someone down the road, he may be all the wiser and more mature for her. If anything, you gave him a great gift. But you are not responsible for him.

    And then, when you finally feel peace, call Corey. He sounds like a great man.

    Keep us posted. Peace to you today.

    Ninja

    #118910
    Ashleigh D
    Participant

    Dear Ninja,

    Thank you for taking the time to reply, you had a very thoughtful response and I appreciate it. I had often thought that the anxiety around the break up revolved around the time spent in the relationship, and the fear of hurting him. But I also thinking that dragging it out, because I don’t know how to end it, is only going to cause problems down the road.

    It’s nice to hear someone say I need a Man, I have often felt frustrated with Jay and think it to myself “I want to date a MAN!” and then I feel guilty and selfish for doing so. I know I deserve happiness, but I still can’t help but feel awful for hurting him.

    But some of your points are really powerful, and what I needed to hear.

    Thank you again!

    #118916
    Ninja
    Participant

    You bet. I’m glad to hear that what I said resonated. You sound like a very decent and caring person. Few people would care so much and take things this far. But it is time to be a little “healthy selfish” and think about Oaktree for now.

    It’s time to move on – and forward.

    Be strong. You will need strength as Jay will most likely be emotional and things may again take a twist as you talk. But I promise you, he will be fine.

    Please keep me posted.

    Have a wonderful evening. I hope your Wednesday is filled with peace.

    Ninja

    #118959
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear oaktree:

    You write well, clearly. I like your clarity. I am going to place myself in your shoes, best I can and write the following using first person, whatever comes to my mind:

    If I stay with Jay, I have to change my expectations of what a relationship should be, what a man should be like, depart from social convention and adapt the following thinking: I need to be the dominant party to the relationship, the main bread winner of the family I hope to have. I have to be dominant not in an overbearing way, but as one leading the way. Because if I want to go someplace, I have to lead the way. My boyfriend and husband to be, if it is Jay, is going to take his time. He doesn’t handle pressure well. I have to be very gentle and patient with him. I have to adjust my expectations of him. And I have to help him along.

    And once I commit to him, I have to let go of what a man should be like and what a woman should be like in a relationship. Jay and I will make our own story, our own unique love and life story.

    If I leave Jay and get together with Corey… will I be able to forget Jay? Will it be fair to Corey, to not have my heart fully with him?

    anita

    #118962
    Ashleigh D
    Participant

    Hey Antia,

    Thank you for your input. I never really thought about it that way; about our relationship being unconventional. It’s not that I am particularly attached to a conventional relationship, and I have always been fairly independent and have no problem being dominant or the bread winner. So this was an interesting perspective on how I should view our potential relationship. However, if I am being truly honest, I am not sure I possess the patience to be able to guide him along forever. I am afraid of becoming vindictive and resentful. I know I would have to alter my expectations, and if I an un-able to, then it isn’t fair to Jay. But you’ve given me food for thought.

    Also, it really isn’t about Corey. I feel like I should have clarified a bit more in my post. While I am interested in him, I am very aware that it could just be a crush or infatuation that may shortly fade. I also could be looking for qualities Jay lacks in other men. Even if I walk away from Jay, I don’t think I would actively pursue a relationship right away (as Ninja said above, I need time). But it was nice to know that there are guys out there who are on the same maturity level as me, and I am unsure if that is what I crave right now.

    I still need to sort out more of my feelings, so thank you for your thoughtful response!

    #118966
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear oaktree:

    You are welcome. It is something for you, and only you, to figure out and choose. It is your life, after all, no should- here, I believe. If you are comfortable enough with being the dominant one, leading the way etc. then you may be content with Jay. If you are not comfortable with this role, then continuing with Jay is not a good idea for you.

    Jay reads like a decent guy, not abusive and quite honest about who he is and what you can expect from him. So it really is, a matter of your preference, of the kind of life you want to live as a wife and a future mother. If anger and resentment will be the result of living with him, obviously, it will not be a good life, not for you, not for Jay and not for your future children, if you do have them.

    I understand about Corey, you make sense and, again, I am impressed with your clarity of thinking. I understand that you need time. Post anytime.

    anita

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