What to expect from life partner?

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This topic has 15 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 1 month ago by Nina Sakura.

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October 23, 2016 at 9:34 am #118747

Purpose
Participant

Hi everyone. I’m really confused and emotionally feeling lost… I’m in a good relationship since 2 years. .. recently I relation became long distance bcoz he is doing his master’s in another state. I’m doing my studies,but the problem is long distance and his new frnd circle… He gives me time that m not denying but he seems to enjoy his new frnd more. He used to b more emotional towards me. Now after fights he takes his own time to return n behave v normal…may be because he gets time to chill with others… ! I want to know this ..what to expect from your life partner.. I used yo think we Shud share everything.. no secrets..lovers at one point,frnds some other time! To b precise I had this image n expectation of having a person n being with that person full blown! Pls those experienced tell me is it too much to expect. Where to stop expecting..? What to expect… I’m too much emotional when it’s about love and care.. I want to b happy even without others coz I feel v lonely sometimes…may b because everyone hav der life…. How can I concentrate on myself… Pls fill me with ideas n wisdom to grow inside… Sorry for any mistakes while writing… Thanks for reading!!

October 23, 2016 at 11:12 am #118755

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Purpose:

Your distress is evident in your share and I do hope you will feel better soon.

You wrote: ” He used to b more emotional towards me. Now after fights he takes his own time to return n behave v normal…may be because he gets time to chill with others…”

What caught my eye in this quote is the fighting part, suggesting, it seems to me, that there were fights between the two of you before he moved away and there are fights after he moved away. The difference is that before he moved away, he took less time to “return to normal.” Now he takes more time and you are concerned that he is turning to his new friends to feel better instead of to you.

As if, fighting is a normal part of a relationship. As if your only concern is how quickly he reaches out to you after a fight.

But why fight? Do you consider it a normal part of a relationship?

anita

October 23, 2016 at 2:11 pm #118768

Nina Sakura
Participant

Dear purpose,

Some disagreements do happen in a relationship from time to time and then people sort them out, reach to an understanding. Emotionality is all great but it is the commitment and understanding that truly counts. Both of you are in long distance – your lives are separate though the bond and commitment is what should remain.

What that means is you know and trust eachother enough to let go of the need to control and judge. He is in a new place now and is adjusting – lot of emotionality is normal in the beginning when relationship just starts, after that what matters is if he treats you with respect and you can count on him – this doesn’t mean endless communication through the day or a monologue about feelings and activities. Its something deeper and i cant explain it in words. I can’t say this enough to people – have more faith in people and be patient, explain your needs in a calm manner but be reasonable too.

He isnt here to solve your loneliness. To be comfortable with your life, to enjoy yourself without him and be happy for him as he is adjusting in his life is the mindset you need to have. This is my major learning after long distance failures in the past.

Fill your days with things you enjoy – how can you really compare how he feels about new friends and you? It’s like apples and oranges. Both have their own role to play.

To develop a rich inner life, you need to spend more time in good movies and books, spend time with your friends, get involved deeply in your purpose in life – and share it with this person – don’t expect him to complete you – only you can do that for you.

Regards,
Nina

October 23, 2016 at 2:22 pm #118769

Purpose
Participant

Hello dear Anita ..thanks for ur reply..I always read ur answers and I thank you for ur help u always offer to everyone here.. thanks for being this amazing…. I think I grew more insecure of this fact that long distance makes relationship weaker n eventually people end up breaking up…he kept me telling to watch my thoughts when he was moving out. He is caring but due to his tight schedules he gets little time to chat,but he still talks to me daily,no matter what. Yes fights are mainly because I m comparatively less occupied n I expect him to talk ..but sometimes he is out with his frnz..going for me, he then becomes little different..as in he enjoys and expect me not to disturb him..! He doesn’t take my Cal’s too wheñ out with frnz… He says he needs his time… I know he needs dat…but I become sad when he is not reaching out… Is it a cold behavior..,Shud he b left,, I even asked him has he fallen for someone,he completely denied and said he is enjoying his new friends circle der… Dear Anita pls fill me with words of wisdom.. this long distance has really made me anxious… 🙁

October 23, 2016 at 2:32 pm #118770

Purpose
Participant

Thanks Nina Sakura.. thanks for ur kind words dear.. ! Yes I trust him he is der for me,but day to day struggle with my own self and expectations from him that he should understand me at each level of my emotional journey makes me more n more anxious. I have a fear of loosing people I love,which sometimes kills me ! I know I should be doing what you are saying,but I feel little fearfull of the fact that he has frnd der..what if he gets someone and he doesn’t tel me this..may b I’m creating more problems in my head than der are actually… But what no one is understanding is I’m little low n may be require external care n acceptance,may be that will fill me with more hope and less anxiety! Ya I will do al this what u suggested,thanks so much! Main problem is I’m one month away from a major exam,so I’m kind of busy making both ends meet..and in this I have to undergo his absence physically and manyatimes emotionally,that really bothers me! May be I’m too muchand always available for my people when they need me ,that subconsciously leade to expect more from him too! M trying to heal myself from all my childhood frnd ship traumas which I remember and do something good with my life, I’m not feeling good with the way I m rite now… I will do my best to come out of it.. thanks for reading… I’m grateful to u.

October 23, 2016 at 2:48 pm #118771

Purpose
Participant

Thanks @Anita and @Nina Sakura.
I really needed help… This anxiety is killer..

October 23, 2016 at 2:50 pm #118772

Purpose
Participant

Thanks @anita and @nina Sakura.
I really needed help… This anxiety is killer!I posted my replies above.. thanks… I need people like u n dis wisdom!thanks

October 23, 2016 at 6:27 pm #118775

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Purpose:

You asked: what to expect from a life partner? A couple of things among others:

1. To physically live with you, in the same home.
2. To not have a separate social life. (He may see people without you being present, but you would know the people, understand the reason to see them, even prefer not to be present because you are not interested in the same things)

Your boyfriend is not yet your life partner: he lives far away from you and he has a separate social life, friends you don’t know.

So first thing I would do, if I was you, would be to adjust my thinking so it fits reality:
“He is my boyfriend, my long-distance boyfriend” I would say to myself. “He is not my life partner.”

Take care of yourself best you can. Anxiety is not good for you. Worrying is not good for you. Try to accept what is real, that the relationship may not survive or thrive. Aim at a life partner.

Would you like to think and list your requirements from a life partner in your future? You can post it here and if you’d like, I’ll give you my feedback.

anita

October 24, 2016 at 12:20 am #118793

Nina Sakura
Participant

Purpose,

All the best for your upcoming exams. That is the most important right now. See I understand the anxiety and support you need before it but truth be said, it’s a long distance relationship and you have separate lives. Now given this upcoming exam, it’s more important you take time to relax in some way once a day without his requirement – hence the suggestion of a funny movie, YouTube videos, TV show, happy music, a walk, yoga etc

The hard truth is yes we do need others but we need to give ourselves inner strength and hope. That’s what confidence is about.

As for him liking another and not telling you, if you think like this about him, that means you don’t trust him at all. How do you expect long distance to last without trust? He will meet different girls throughout his life but you have to have faith and go beyond your own insecurities – he chose to be in a relationship with you.

Long distance doesn’t make relationships weaker dear – it actually tests the relationship more and reveals the way we project past insecurities on our partners. It’s easy to stay in love when things are easier but a couple has to make adjustments too based on reality. Now these types of relationships are more common thanks to globalisation. Hence having positive mindset is important.

Take up one relaxing practise everyday – you are less occupied and worried bout exams, so these thoughts happen. Please find ways to relax and unwind, have a strict schedule.

Talk to someone on yourdost.com if you need some regular help with these anxieties and thoughts. There are free online counselors there. Hope you feel better soon, do post back.

Do write more about what happened in the past if you feel inclined to. Perhaps answers are there

Regards
Nina

October 24, 2016 at 7:18 am #118798
Peter
Participant
What to expect from a life partner

– That they will challenge your relationship to the idea of relationship and love.
– That they will challenge how you think and feel you are.
– That they will disappoint you (you will disappoint them)
– That they will surprise you (you will surprise them)
– That they will attempt to heal past hurts through the relationship as you will attempt to heal the past hurts.
– That they will bring out the best and the worst of you – and you will bring out the best and worst in them
– That they will at times inspire you to be more then you thought you could be and at times hold you back.
– That they will be something to push against so that you might grow.

A healthy relationship learns to cultivate an “unconditional yes” to these realities and in doing so create the potential where each might become. This love is not an unconditional yes is not a unconditional allowing but an awareness that creates space were we may respond to our partners instead of reacting.

The other day I was asked what quality I looked for in a partner. I surprised myself when at the top of the list I stated someone who did not panic when they were not experiencing the ideal of love and connection that they imagined.

“The perfect partner is often the one who triggers off our core emotional wounds so that we can revisit and mend our past injuries. The reopening of our old hurts allows us to name, understand, and tend to original, yet often faulty and self-defeating, beliefs about interpersonal attachment and identity. It is inevitable that our unmet needs from childhood, which influence both our style of intimacy and our self-image/self-worth, will be played out in the crucible of our current intimate connections.”
- This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Peter.
October 24, 2016 at 9:07 am #118811

Purpose
Participant

Him.thanks @Anita.. yes I agree with you., He is not my life partner yet… Since our families are involved to some extent…so we take it very seriously! May b things are more in my past insecties when I was left alone by my best frnds at different times in my life…without my fault..so i guess I need to work on myself… Any words of wisdom are welcomed… I used to b strong person but these frndship break ups made me weak… Thanks for reading… I feel good that someone is taking out time n replying to my issues .. this means a lot to me!

October 24, 2016 at 9:15 am #118814

Purpose
Participant

Hello @Nina Sakura… Thanks for ur kind words… I feel better now… Yes i do alot of things u mentioned … N you know I’m very focussed for my exam,im reading whole day in library.. discussing topics with my calibrate frndship! But when I return home n it’s time to sleep n my mind starts recalling how we used to be n now how we are .. that makes me sad.. trust me..I love him.. I do trust him..but fear of losing him keepse anxious! I fear long distance has lead to a gap in btw us… Which is more in my mind I guess! I know he needs his time,space..new frnz., everything! But I miss him n feel weak… This is what hurts! M v much studying for my exam… Yes what I expected from him was a little more care n concern..but may be such is life…u can’t burden people with ur expectations! M working on my self ..i will improve in this front..I miss my old self..strong and self dependent! Thanks for reading and replying…I feel so much cared for… M a very emotional person…I feel everything v deeply…which goes against me manyatimes! I feel love and care are only emotions that needs to b der in life… Thanks again…

October 24, 2016 at 9:19 am #118815

Purpose
Participant

Hello @Peter… Thank-you for ur lovely list… These days m more on bringing out worst in me n this relationship! He is bothered too,about my behaviour .he has never seen me this weak n low! I will keep in mind what all you wrote..thanks so much! I hope u r doing good… Pls add anything you like to add… It would be my pleasure to read thoughts n wisdom! Take care… I have taken screen shot and will get it printed ! In fact all these advises i will save n keep reading to fill myself with positivity and hope! Thanks once again!

October 24, 2016 at 9:23 am #118816

Purpose
Participant

Sorry..some autocorrect words are wrong in btw ! My apologies to @Anita,@Nina..@Peter

October 24, 2016 at 10:05 am #118820

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Purpose:

If posting here and receiving replies is helpful to you, please continue, anytime. I for one will reply to you every time.

You wrote above: “He is bothered too,about my behaviour .he has never seen me this weak n low!”

This may be causing him distress that is going to work against the relationship. Find a balance between expressing to him how you feel AND not burdening him with how you feel. Express to him how you feel but without crying, if you can handle it. Simply state how you feel, no excess words, no drama, no excessive emotion.

Even when you feel intensely miserable, take deep breaths before you talk to him so that you don’t sound so miserable. If this man is to become your life partner, the two of you will need to consider the other’s well being and not engage in behaviors that distress the other just because … we feel this way or the other.

Over time, if you practice this kind of self control while talking to him, you will build trust and confidence in yourself, trust in your ability to control your behavior regardless of how you feel. This self-trust will bring about better well being for yourself; you will feel better for it.

anita
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