Dear kadri:

A few comments:

In your first paragraph you wrote: “We never really spoke about our expectations of each other. What hurt or angered us of each other, nothing”- you wrote that following the first breakup, but it reads to me true to the whole length of the on-again-off-again three years relationship.

A series of such conversations between the two of you could have prevented the misery. Did you attempt such? If you did, I missed it, reading your post. Reads to me that every getting-together-again followed him saying the same old same old things, no conversation there, only promises. And reads to me that at times you broke down and expressed to him who you felt, like when you arrived to his place unannounced, but there were not conversations.

As far as his motivation: reads to me that although he appeared wonderful to you and to others, and even though his family appeared wonderful to you, they were not. Maybe you were so consumed with trying to appear strong, with progressively believing you are at fault, that you didn’t SEE him for who he is; didn’t notice his relationship with his parents (serious problems there, likely).

You mentioned that you are pathetic and a loser: I don’t think so, doesn’t read to me that you are. I think you didn’t gather the information you needed so to evaluate him and the relationship. I think you were passive (and rarely aggressive, verbally, perhaps) but not assertive. I think you relied on his words as if they had a magic quality and didn’t ask for the details so to understand his motivations.

Hope you post again.

anita

Dear kadri:

As to your last sentence: “if he really wanted this, he would have tried harder”- tried harder at what? How?Communicating about the what and how was necessary. If you communicated, both parties interested in understanding each other, then you could have helped him and he could have helped you.

You need the specifics of what is not working so to fix those things. “Try harder” is too vague and general.

anita

As a guy I can tell you that when a guy does the on again off again relationship such as you describe it usually comes from a place of insecurity. This type of relationship can be about power and maintain a safe backup in case he finds something better. Such people might also struggle with valuing what they have, preferring the chase to the having.

One of the purposes of relationships is to heal the past and so both parties create and play out scenarios that there authentic self is attempting to come to terms with and heal. This is almost always subconscious and too often create the codependent relationship. Such scenarios will continue until they are solved.

Statistically the on again off again relationship do not mature. My own rule of thumb is three cycles and its over. And over means no contact. You may not like hearing this but ending a relationship with no contact may just be required for the healing of the past the authentic self was trying to solve.

With regards to Hope, Hope is a skill to often practiced badly that when passive, keeps the hopeful stuck.

There are times when hope can be dangerous as in holding onto the idea that an expired relationship may yet again find footing and there are times when hope is essential such as when it keeps us from drowning in despair.

“To hope means to be ready at every moment for that which is not yet born, and yet not become desperate if there is no birth in our lifetime. Erich Fromm

Doing Active Hope – Joanna Macy and Chris Johnstone
The word hope has two different meanings. The first involves hopefulness, believing our preferred outcome is reasonably likely to happen. If we require this kind of hope before we commit ourselves to an action, our response gets blocked in areas where we don’t rate our chances too high.

The second meaning is about desire. It is this kind of hope that starts our journey — knowing what we hope for and what we’d like, or love, to take place. It is what we do with this hope that really makes the difference. Passive hope is about waiting for external agencies to bring about what we desire. Active Hope is about becoming active participants in bringing about what we hope for.

Active Hope is a practice. Like tai chi or gardening, it is something we do rather than have. It is a process we can apply to any situation, and it involves three key steps. First, we take in a clear view of reality; second, we identify what we hope for in terms of the direction we’d like things to move in or the values we’d like to see expressed; and third, we take steps to move ourselves or our situation in that direction.

Since Active Hope doesn’t require our optimism, we can apply it even in areas where we feel hopeless. The guiding impetus is intention; we choose what we aim to bring about, act for, or express. Rather than weighing our chances and proceeding only when we feel hopeful, we focus on our intention and let it be our guide.