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How to help my boyfriend realise he's ruining his life

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  • October 17, 2016 at 1:33 pm #118368
    Alavos
    Participant

    Hello dear readers,

    I have a relationship with my boyfriend for almost three years. I am really happy with him because he makes me feel loved and appreciated and I can always talk to him whenever I need him. My big problem with him is that he doesn’t do anything with his life. He works jobs but not more than a couple of days, maximum a few weeks. He never completed any education, not even high school. He smokes weed everyday and rather sits at home and plays videogames. He’s a stoner, on government benefits (I don’t know how to call it exactly in English, I guess something like this).

    My parents hate him because he’s ‘a loser’ and think I deserve better and don’t mind telling me this every time I see them. I myself am in University (law school) and working two jobs to financially help myself (I also live in my own place) because my parents can’t help me with money.

    Some time ago he was working a job in demolishing a building, and he quit after a few weeks because he came to the realisation that he can do better. He can do anything he wants because he’s capable and intelligent, but he doesn’t know what. His passions are food (but doesn’t want to work as a cook) and music. He knows everything about music. And martial arts.

    The reason I stick with him is first of all he makes me happy. But second of all I still believe in him and his capacities, I know that he can accomplish anything he wants. But he’s lazy because of the weed but he doesn’t want to quit it. He says he does but ofcourse I don’t believe him because even when he’s broke, he will still ask me for money so he buy his stupid weed (note: he’s literally broke so I used to give him money to buy groceries but he would buy this and the weed from it. He would spend his last dime on the weed. Now I either give him food to eat or just a few euros not enough to buy weed). His parents tried to force him to go to some sort of rehab, but he strongly disagrees and they haven’t spoken for one year now because of this argument. I know he smokes it because he feels some kind of safety with it, he’s comfortable with it, if that makes sense? He goes crazy from anxiety and low self-esteem if he’s ever without it. His low self-esteem is a big problem anyway and really keeps him from accomplishing and working hard for anything.

    He just turned 27 by the way.

    How can I help this guy realize he’s better than this, or should I just give up and walk away?

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Alavos.
    October 17, 2016 at 2:25 pm #118373
    Adam P
    Participant

    Hi there alavos,
    Aside from your boyfriend listening to you when you need to how else does he love and appreciate you because from what I read it seems as if you are the one providing all of the love and support. After reading your story if I may say so if this is correct, do you actually enjoy taking care of him? It’s very similar to a mother trying to raise a teenage son who smokes. As the old saying goes, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. Just make sure that this relationship does not take you away from your law career because if this path continues you just may be dragged down with him or in this case it may go up in smoke.
    Thank you and take care
    -AP85

    October 18, 2016 at 2:43 am #118409
    Alavos
    Participant

    Hi Adam, thank you for your reply. After writing this topic I searched on the internet because it makes me feel very desperate. I didn’t mention in my story that I grew up with an alcohol addicted mom. My father left us before I was even born so when I mention my father I refer to my stepfather who has been part of my life for many years but not anymore.

    After research I understood that there’s such a thing as ‘codependency’. Even though I try not to enable him anymore in his addiction, and trust me he very well knows how I feel towards his weed use, nothing positive. But the thing is, my mom drinks and is in denial after many years. I don’t remember having a mom who’s not alcoholic. I tried but I couldn’t ‘save her’, you know by achieving high grades in school, getting a job at 13 years old so I have my own money, doing good at sports. It didn’t help because she’s still drinking. Ofcourse I understand her drinking problem is not my fault, but that’s how I used to think as a child. I ran away at 15 years old because I couldn’t handle this problem at home anymore. Since then I have been taking care of myself. 5 years later I met my boyfriend.
    Now I have my boyfriend who has many issues and in my eyes he needs unconditional love and support to quit ruining his life and make his low self-esteem normal again and make him fight for his life, like I am fighting for my life. But is this a mistake I’m making. I agree with you saying I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

    I don’t want to explain why I love him and why he’s a good friend to me. Because I don’t want to feel like I have to explain why I’m ever involved with him. I just want to talk to someone who has some similar experience (with addicts) and have some good advice because I’m very desperate and very depressed from it lately.

    October 18, 2016 at 6:02 am #118414
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Let him go.

    You can’t help him, but you can hurt yourself by continuing to try. Tell him it’s over and set him a deadline by which he needs to move out. Start making plans for life without him.

    I wasted too many years on a guy like that, and still had to dump him in the end. He’s doing all right without me. Go figure.

    October 18, 2016 at 6:05 am #118415
    Adam P
    Participant

    Alavos,
    You hit the nail on the head when it comes to codependency. You do realize that your boyfriend is nothing more than an agent or representation for your alcoholic mother. I’m sure he is a good friend to you, but as for love this is more of a caretaker relationship. The reason you are afraid to leave him is because you are afraid of “running away from your mother” again, you understand. This pattern will continue until you put a stop to it. When you are not busy with your studies I would suggest going back in time and trying to sort things out with your mother and maybe even trying to connect with your biological father. Afterwards clarity becomes relevant and then self improvement appears. Once that happens you end up having little to no patience with those who continue to lower themselves, because you will be occupied with moving forward….becoming a successful lawyer.
    Thank you and take care
    -AP85

    October 18, 2016 at 6:27 am #118416
    Alavos
    Participant

    Dear Adam, thanks again for your reply. I will think about it. As for your advice to sort things out with my mother – I can’t. We can’t communicate. She’s still heavily drinking and still in complete denial. According to her, the last time she was drunk was at 18 years old at the beach with friends. It’s me, and everybody around her that’s acting weird towards her. To her – I have a problem. I can’t sort things out with her. I have given up on her. She’s my mother but that’s it.
    As for my biological father, he lives in another country and the last time I have seen him it was 5 years ago. I tried mailing and talking to him the last time we physically met (this was the 2nd time in my life btw). I tried to build a relationship, even if he was no part of my upbringing at all, he’s still my father. He stopped replying. He has my contact info but he doesn’t want to contact me. I guess it’s his new wife that doesn’t want this – but that’s just a random guess. I have given up on him too.

    The only other person I ever considered family – I don’t want to give up on him. Because he still has potential to turn his life around. He’s still young. He doesn’t have a marriage or children. Even if it would be without me, I would very much love to see him make something out of his life. I can’t just walk away if it were nothing!!!

    I realise I don’t know what is love, because I have always been put in second place, next to the addiction. I don’t know how to love someone else because the people I ever really loved are addicts and supposedly I’m very familiar with the caretaker role but never really what’s it like to be in a loving relationship without addictions standing in the way.

    And it’s very frustrating because alcohol is available everywhere, and I live in the Netherlands so weed is also extremely easy accesable.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Alavos.
    October 18, 2016 at 10:31 am #118425
    Adam P
    Participant

    Alavos,
    Hey Netherlands, cool. I spent a few hours on a layover in Amsterdam from Schiplol airport almost ten years ago, beautiful city.
    Anyway aside from that it looks as if you are on your own when it comes to dealing with your past. If the two doors from your past won’t open back up for you then the responsibility lies on yourself. The first person you need to start loving is yourself, plain and simple. Afterwards then you can occupy yourself with going to law school and babysitting this guy in your life. Yeah, exactly what I said you are his babysitter not girlfriend, not lover, there is a chance for friendship, but as of right now nope. I surprised law school has not given you the confidence and high self esteem to better improve your life, but I guess it’s true what they say, you can have a top job in society such as doctor, lawyer or engineer and still be sad.
    Thank you and take care
    -AP85

    October 18, 2016 at 10:54 am #118427
    Alavos
    Participant

    Adam, thank you for your input.

    October 18, 2016 at 11:04 am #118428
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear avalos:

    In your original post you wrote: “My parents hate him because he’s ‘a loser’ and think I deserve better and don’t mind telling me this every time I see them. =”

    But your mother, she is not a valid source to correctly evaluate your boyfriend as a loser, being who she is from your description.

    Any relationship should be a Win-Win proposition. If you find yourself on the losing end of a relationship, repeatedly, on an ongoing basis, it is time to either change it, if possible, or abandon it.

    I hope you make the right choice for you.

    anita

    October 18, 2016 at 11:39 am #118432
    Alavos
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I know it sounds very stupid. But my mom is exactly like that. According to herself she’s perfect. And a guy like my boyfriend is a loser. And perhaps I should not care about her opinion, because she is a drunk who wasted her life. But you have to understand I’m extremely loyal to my mom. I don’t have any other relatives living in my country. They all live in my birth country, 2500 km away. I grew up with just my mom, her boyfriends would come and go, just the one guy – my ‘dad’ – with whom I still have a relationship with.

    My boyfriend is smarter than my mom in the way that he understands he has a problem – his addiction. He acknowledges it. But that’s it. He doesn’t move forward from it. He’s a very sweet guy to me. Really loyal guy, not only to me as his girlfriend, but also to his close friends and family, even though they don’t talk anymore. I see a lot of great stuff, but this addiction is like a dark cloud holding him back. He has childhood traumas. I don’t want to label him, but to make it more understandable he shows symptoms of PTSS. And he finds comfort and safety in his weed use. I just want him to realise that it’s not a way to deal with problems!

    I keep praying for him everyday for him to realise it and quit his habits. I don’t want him to give up on life like my mom did.

    October 18, 2016 at 12:08 pm #118435
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Avalos:

    You mentioned loyalty to your mother and your boyfriend being a loyal person. Loyalty is something you value highly and so do I. Except that I value seeing reality for what it is the most. I will no longer make-believe reality is something it is not, so to be loyal to any person.

    See your mother as she is and see your boyfriend as he is. With accurate viewing of reality, you are best equipped to make the right decisions, for yourself and for others. What is a Win for you, will also be, on the long run, a Win for someone else.

    I learned that being loyal to another by accommodating their delusions, their distorted thinking, does nothing to help them and does everything to hurt me.

    anita

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