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Does he just need time or am I in denial?

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  • This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • October 10, 2016 at 10:06 pm #117756
    Deleted due to privacy infringment
    Participant

    Firstly, I want to say thank you to the users in this forum… I have posted in other forums and usually they are very judgmental and hurtful… The users in tiny buddha have heart, so thank you all…

    My situation is messy.. very…. remained friends with an ex after reconciling with my bf now of 7 years…. dated my ex when my bf and I were broken up for an extended period of time after he left me very cruel….. my ex was a very good support system for me to get a grip on myself and he was more a friend when we dated, hence why we remained such good friends…. My bf never really understood why we were still friends, but he never asked much about it.. Especially over the last several years…. My ex would come in and out of my life, generally leaving my life because he still felt he was in love with me and I couldn’t give him what he wanted… Every time he returned to my life, he was good as a friend….

    My ex didn’t realize my bf and I had reconciled and have been together for the last few years…. When he discovered, he was very upset, angry, and I cannot blame him… I knew he was in love with me still and did not want to hurt him by telling him… Shame on me…. Same token my bf wasn’t aware that my ex and I were so friendly ( so many mutual friends, hung out from time to time very platonic )….

    I had a pretty hard time dealing with the guilt of hurting such a nice guy who was there when I needed a friend…. I turned to a few friends and family asking how to handle this situation… How do I help my ex who was hurting understand he was important to me, but not in the way he felt…. How do I explain to my boyfriend that all these years we remained friends although I was aware how he felt about me…

    I believe I spoke to the wrong friend ( childhood best friend non the less ) who felt that what I did was similar to the affair her husband had on her.. She was very very angry with me and that night my bf received an “anonymous Facebook email ” telling him he’s been cheated on for years…. My boyfriend went unhinged… Didn’t come over, didn’t go home, finally talked he asked for his keys and space… My ex was so angry at this situation that he confirmed with my boyfriend that we were dating all these years ( obviously we weren’t, but my ex as sweet as he can be, has a temper as large as a mountain … unfortunately ) … My boyfriend refused to talk to me.. told me if he will ever talk to me again he will let me know…

    It has been 3 weeks since this went down… 2 weeks since he’s last spoken to me and I have even reached out to him.. I ended the friendship with my ex after discovering his dishonesty to my boyfriend… I understand my ex was hurt, but my boyfriend didn’t hurt him, I did….Although I always told him we were only going to remain friends….

    My boyfriend went around doing the usual, adding girls on social media, telling everyone we are over….. Then over the last week, he stopped…. He stopped adding girls, deleted the ones he did add, even told our mutual guy friend that ” I am obviously hurt. I love her, she’s my best friend. But I am so blindsided by this situation I need to prepare myself for when I talk to her again” …..

    I do love him… We planned on getting married and were looking at houses…. We had an amazing relationship… Never a night apart and even have a dog together for all these years ( who I now have still … )

    I understand his pain and because of that, I am respecting him enough to give him the space he asked for….. He knows he hasn’t heard my side of the story and I feel that he does need to hear what I have to say, but it isn’t about me right now…

    Should I give up hope for us or keep respecting his space like I have been doing? I am scared I am in denial…..

    Thanks in advance!

    October 11, 2016 at 8:07 pm #117866
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear jess:

    Indeed a messy situation over seven years. When you ask if you are in denial, do you mean in denial of the situation with your more recent boyfriend being hopeless?

    If so, I don’t know if it is hopeless but the mess is still messy: the ex, the recent ex boyfriend, the childhood friend… you were not honest enough through the years, not with the ex and not with the recent boyfriend.

    If I was you, I would become very honest, with myself, first and then with the others, if you have the chance. But first with yourself: why did you hide the ex from your bf? Why did you hide your bf from your ex?

    Hiding: what is hidden needs to come out and see the light, I say.

    anita (same person who answered your first thread, different account)

    October 12, 2016 at 5:58 am #117889
    Kath
    Participant

    I think you still might have a shot with your bf. But as anita said, you need to be very honest with yourself.
    I think it’s important you don’t blame anyone else, but try to figure out how you contributed to this mess.

    I’m wondering why you clung (?) to a person who was not a good enough boyfriend to stay with you, nor a good enough friend to actually stay in your life and be a real friend? You seem to have known that you weren’t “just friends”…
    And how can you keep a relationship of 7 years from a “friend”??

    I can understand that your bf has lost trust, even without your ex saying to him what he said. So you need to build that trust up again by being very honest about your mistakes, about what happened and about what you feel towards him. If your bf is not a total asshole he will give you the chance to tell your part of the story after he has worked through his initial anger.
    You can’t know if being honest and open is enough to get back together and try again, but it is the first step, and necessary for clearing up this mess and forgiving/not fostering any more regrets.

    (You could maybe let him know that you want him to know your part of the story which is very different from the version he has been told, but that you understand his anger/confusion and respect his space, so that he should let you know when he feels ok to talk about things…)

    I wish you the very best!

    October 12, 2016 at 6:26 am #117896
    Deleted due to privacy infringment
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I hid my ex from my boyfriend because I knew my boyfriend wouldn’t understand…. I didn’t hide my boyfriend, we were together for 3 years.. broke up with me and left me.. dated new guy… broke up with him and eventually got back together with the first ( 7 year boyfriend) …. My ex and i remained friends, but not friends that talked everyday or often…. It was a subject that was never brought up… I guess by omission I was hiding it… I also knew he HATED my bf for what he did to me ( he abandoned me ) so I just never felt comfortable enough telling him…

    I want to be honest, honest with my love…. But its so hard when we aren’t speaking…. And denial in terms of – denial that its over, or that we can still work this out?

    Thanks Anita!

    October 12, 2016 at 6:31 am #117897
    Deleted due to privacy infringment
    Participant

    Hi Kath,

    Yeah it is very messy indeed and I caused this mess… I clung to my ex as a friend because I have really bad attachment issues… I lost both parents before I was 10 and then every relative that cared for me after I lost as well… I’ve been to therapy over this and when I have someone in my life that is there for me through anything, I get very anxious about the friendship ending… I do this with my female friends too…. It’s a problem I am still actively working on..

    And my ex and I weren’t on a daily, weekly speaking basis.. We would talk, then not, then talk, then not through the last 3 years… He was the guy I dated for a few months in-between my boyfriend of 7 years and I breaking up …. He helped me through a lot of darkness during this time and I didn’t want to hurt him by showing all he did for me was in vein….

    As screwed up as this situation is, my heart is broken for hurting people… I genuinely do not like doing this AT ALL…. I’ve never hurt or broken up with anyone in my life and I’m 30…. I’m devastated over how badly I hurt my bf..

    Thanks!

    October 12, 2016 at 8:33 am #117907
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Jess:

    This is my understanding: you hid your on-again off again friendship with your ex from your (now ex as well) bf because you knew your bf will disapprove. When you reconciled with your bf, you hid the reconciliation from your ex because you knew he will disapprove of the reconciliation.

    Basically you were afraid of either one’s disapproval. You were afraid either one will abandon you as a result of disapproving of you. Because of your fear of abandonment, and having already been abandoned by your bf, you needed your ex in your life as a backup to future abandonment. Am I correct?

    If I am correct, this would sum up your honest motivations in the mess. And maybe you can communicate it via a message to your more recent ex bf?

    Back to checking: let me know if my understanding is correct, partially correct; then correct it and add to it?

    anita

    October 12, 2016 at 9:44 am #117918
    Kath
    Participant

    Dear Jess,

    Ok, now I got it 😀

    I just broke up with my bf after 6 years of a rollercoaster relationship, and it’s the first time I have to face being alone after about 10 years. Plus I had a very lonesome childhood and my first boyfriend died when i was 17. So I can really relate to your attachment issues and your fear of losing either of them.

    But since the breakup I also learned a lot about healthy boundaries, and about making healthy decisions for myself.

    I wonder whether you hid your rekindled relationship only because you didn’t want to hurt the guys feelings (which I get now, as you broke up with him although he was there for you when you got abandoned…?), or also because you couldn’t really justify getting back together with someone who has abandoned you… Did that ever get resolved, and can you be sure of that relationship now? Is there enough trust? I wonder whether you are neglecting your own truth somewhere in here.
    Why does your (ex)-bf believe someone else more than you?

    I think you should figure out what is actually good for you, what you want, and then stand up for it… you have the right to have your own preferences and choices, and no honest friend will leave you for that.

    Btw do you know about CoDA? (Codependents Anonymous?)

    October 12, 2016 at 1:36 pm #117953
    Deleted due to privacy infringment
    Participant

    Anita,

    You are correct on every single aspect… yes!!

    October 12, 2016 at 7:18 pm #117978
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jess:

    Well, I feel empathy for you because I know fear and how powerful it is. If you explain this to your more recent boyfriend, he may feel empathy for you too.

    If you explain this to him, and he is willing to help you with your abandonment anxiety; if you and him communicate about it regularly, then it can be a good, healthy relationship. I am sure he has his own anxieties, issues, challenges. And so you can help each other.

    So potentially, it may work. I think in its core, this is not an issue of lack of character on your part, hiding each from another, but a matter of fear.

    If you bring your issue to the light with him (opposite of hiding!) and ask for his help, and if he does help you and you express appreciation for his attention and help, that can give him a very good feeling, of being helpful, of making a difference (to you).

    anita

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