Simply, I over think.

Everyone who knows me, knows it.

Its okay. Until it gives me such severe anxiety that I cannot enjoy the present moment.
I’m fairly young in the grand scheme of things. 21, 22 in December.

I’m the oldest child, totally fit the description of perfectionist and overachiever.
I left home 2 days before I turned 18 in order to simply my mom’s life. She recently remarried and I was too emotionally unstable to really support the new relationship. I knew this, and moved into a pool house in a friend’s backyard. Unfortunately, this put me in a very awkward position of abuse and a forced familiarity with my ego and pride, as well as duty and desire to be something more.

I was in a 5 year long relationship, it encouraged “Survivor” complexes, he put me in high stress situations and I never got to enjoy relaxing. I supported both of us for a year, attending school and working two jobs. I was severely dependent on his approval and his happiness as it made me feel important. After my savings was killed off, things turned a bit sour… and it went overboard when his brother passed under awful circumstances. He exploded and blamed me for his life being ruined and awful. I couldn’t apologize enough, he left.

I rebuilt. Made close friends, reconnected with my mom and brother. Got an awesome dog. Got promoted. Rebuilt my savings from nothing.

Now. With a brief summary of things I feel affect me.

I’m in a relationship with a man I knew in high school. He was my best friend. He left for Korea in the army. I haven’t heard from him in 2 years ’til he returned in January. We finally went on our first date, and we’ve been together for 9 months now.

He’s incredibly independent. Financially intelligent. A fantastic listener. Physically attentive. Creative. Funny. God, just everything I needed. I know it. I just can’t manage to stop sabotaging myself of this relationship. I feel as though I am consistently feeling down or complicated when we are together. He will notice, and let me try to manage it (as I’ve asked, it’s mine to fix). He does, very well. When it’s too much he’ll ask me what I’m overthinking and not once has he made me feel bad for it. He’s never shamed me.

I love him. Though, I’m incapable of being balanced in my independence or dependence. Often I teeter on one or the other. We are long distance currently, and it doesn’t help that he hates texting. (He’s super bad at it, sometimes we only manage 8 texts a day.) He’ll call every once in a while, and by then I’ve struggled through days in not having anyone to confide in. Friends distract me for the moment, and I’ve hopelessly buried myself in work. I started this semester with 40 hours between two jobs and 15 hours as a science student. So by the time he calls, I’m a wreck and its been lowering my self esteem. I’m really comfortable with unloading with him, but I feel like that’s all I’m able to do now. I’m fine until he reappears then my overly emotional self kicks in. I am really off balance. Though, people at work, parties, friends, family, all witness me as fine just maybe a bit overworked. Otherwise I can joke, be goofy and funny, and have fun. It bothers me, how this one person who knew me before I got stuck, doesn’t get to witness my good.

Though he sounds committed, he’s told me several times how excited he is to get out of the army and spend more time with me. How we could build a really awesome life together. It upsets me, because some days I get overwhelmingly excited about it, but the long distance really builds up some anxiety about it. I over think everything, what he says, does, thinks, how it could change, how I’m too dependent, how a man shouldn’t provide me with happiness, how I should just be happy without him. He has mentioned how he doesn’t “need” me, but that’s “not a bad thing” I know this strikes a chord in me. Like I’ve a desire to be needed and irreplaceable. I can’t argue with his self confidence though, how understanding and strong he is. I’m really lost, in what I’ve lost in myself.

– Sam