Dear Community,

lately the thought that I may have been abused in my childhood is crossing my mind over and over again. I often heard about cases of abuse, where the victim forgot about it to protect itself.
(If you don’t like to read about sexual stuff, you should stop reading now)
It may sound weird, but I started to masturbate when I was really young, like 3 or 4. Maybe it was just because I discovered my body very early and discovered what makes me feel good and it was never with any link to sexuality, because I was so young I didn’t even know about that topic. But sometimes I think that may be a sign that I was abused, because there are more weird things I think of, when I think of my childhood.
I had these fears, where nobody knew why or where they came from. I would be afraid to die, afraid of strangers because the might kidnap me, I was afraid of medication lying around because it might poison me if I just looked at it, I felt like I was never alone in my room and I always have been afraid of stranger, especially guys.
Even today I feel uncomfortable when a guy or a man is around and I don’t know why that is.
Also i feel like I have a mental sexual disorder or something that is linked to my OCD?
Like, I get these threatening thoughts of sexual encounters I would never ever want to have or have and it is driving me crazy because it’s gross and I don’t want that.
I remember a time in my childhood where I would lie awake at night and feel very ashamed and very weird, just a very negative feeling I cannot describe and I can’t remember why I felt that way, just that I did lie awake.
Also hearing about abuse makes me very uncomfortable in a very weird way, I don’t know how to explain.
I’m incredibly afraid of listening to the news, because bad news about anything bad will make me feel bad for weeks and I always have to remember the bad things that happened.
I’m also always afraid of being raped while I sleep and that fear started really early and I don’t know why I have that fear.

If I think about all of this it seems that there are a lot of uncommon, unexplained fears and things where I don’t know what the trigger was.
If I got abused and can’t remember it, what do I do?
I can’t go to a psychologist.
Do you think it’s better for me just to forget about it than to know the truth?
But somehow I can’t imagine that I was abused because I don’t remember anyone who would do such things to me and I just can’t remember any thing bad being done to me, but something must be the trigger to all my unexplained fears and feelings and behaviors that lasted until this day.

What do you think?