Home→Forums→Tough Times→Depressed and suicidal
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September 17, 2016 at 9:53 am #115412
NoneParticipantHi!
I am a new member here. I found this side seeking through the net for some help because I really need it and I have never felt so lost. Recently I have been really under the weather and had a lot of misfortunate sequent of events in my life that really got me down. To start from the near present and the experience that made everything bad from my past reoccur to me and make thinks worse. Some months ago I felt really happy for no reason and I really enjoyed my own company. Probably it has always been the problem with me that after such times everything crashes on the ground tremendously. So it all began with the fact that I started using drugs just out of curiosity and my first experience of it was the turning point. After I have not used in my life stuff like this and I have always aimed at staying clean from it. So it was my first time using drugs with a fellow student from uni. During the use we got closer to each other other and I knew it was’t right cuz he has a gf and that fact really made me both angry and in some way happy because I really liked that guy. He started getting closer to me and I really felt like crap cuz I had the feeling that he was only using me. After spending a manth and a half enjoying our times together he had to spend times with his gf on a summer holiday. To make things worse, during this period I had to to pretend like nothing ever happened while he was posting photoes with his gf on his fb account and I had to endure and watch all of this nad remain silent. So I deactivated my account not to see any of those photoes. I tried to connect him after their holiday and he seemed like nothing ever happend and now he is hardly even writing or talking to me whenever I try to. I got some things in my mind and I reallt think he is mad at me for not answering back but I cannot get through him anymore. Even worse- he wants to borrow him money so that he could go on a trip with his gf next time.
Due to the use of the drug substances I really can’t stand all of this and I think this stuff is playing some bad game with my mind and I get more and more depressed with the time passing. I don’t know whom to turn to cuz nobody knew about this twisted realatinship. All I can do is go back in my rough times when my first bf started dating a close friend of mine(and my sister was close to them too and was with them when they made my world smashed to the ground) and now they are together and are probably happy. That makes me think I will never get a normal relationship with a boy. I can’t share y sorrow with anyone cuz nobody seems to care and I have been walking with my eyes red from crying and everybody even my family seems to neglect that. I have been thinking of suicide but I just can’t make my mind and I am thinking of painless methods for doing this as trying to cut my wrist three times doesn’t work for me unless I got the courage to do this after taking the same damn drugs that made me see everything around me black. Plus, I am trying to kill myself slowly smoking and I smoke like a package a day despite the fact that a year ago everybody though I will either be diagnosed with tuberculosis or worse. Back then I was thinking (and feeling) that i am going to die cuz the pain that the illness got me through was like nothing I had ever felt before. Now after smoking so much I am thinking that after months of smoking and some poor diet I will get lung cancer and I somehow want it so bad cuz I feel that this cruel world is not for me. I know I sound like a wimp, yet I really wished I had someone to talk to that could understand me. I have recently thought of visitinc so psychologist but I think I will just broke down in tears and he/she will see what a piece of shit I am. I wished I could share some of my worries with my friends but I have few and they are busy doing their own things and in times I really don’t want to make them worry about me cuz they got their problems too and that would come too much for them. I hopelessly need some soulmate and I don’t know how to find it cuz I screw everything up any time I got that perfect chance I want. I just need someone too talk to and to care for because that is what makes me happy more than everything. I turn to close people of mine and hope they will understand me, but that doesn’t seem to work out cuz everybody is playing blind and deaf. There hasn’t been a day in which I will google what poison kills you 100%, searching for a suitable gun for a suicide or a rope I a rope I can hang myself.
Please help.
September 17, 2016 at 10:14 am #115415
AnonymousGuestDear None:
I am so sorry you are in such pain.
You wrote that “everybody is playing blind and deaf”- well, here on your thread, I will not play blind and deaf. I will see and hear you best I can. Every time you post here, I will reply.
I am a member here on this website just like you. I am not a professional and even if I was- I couldn’t be here as a professional. This is not a suicide prevention hotline and I am not in any way equipped with handling a person considering suicide. Therefore, please contact a suicide prevention hotline, any available resources to help you with these considerations. Probably there is something under “Free Resources” on this very website.
Post here anytime but please, not about your suicide considerations. Reason, again: I am not equipped to deal with such. On the other hand, do share as much as you’d like about the pain and struggles that you are experiencing.
Did I understand correctly: you are still taking the drug or drugs you are referring to? What drug/s is it, how often do you use it?
And will you share more about “”everybody is playing blind and deaf”- how long has it been your experience? Were you ever seen and heard?
anita
September 17, 2016 at 10:51 am #115418NoneParticipantThe guy that I have mentioned about gave it to me for a first time and I took it two times since then I have been clean, but the situation with the depression is getting worse(i am talking about ecstasy). I find myself thinking about all the bad scenarios that were and are about to happen and this ends with me in tears and I could just tear up every day and hate myself for everything that is going and been in my life. I can’t stop crying after taking that stuff and one day I am thinking how I never want to take it again , yet the other I want it so badly. Yet this guy that gave it to me won’t do it again probably till next time when he wants company when he is feeling lonely.
I wrote that everybody is playing blind and deaf because even when my mother sees me with tears i my eyes she says “Stop crying and go eat something”(cuz there are times I don’t wanna put anything in mouth and I just stay and stare at one point). She is hardly talking to me, yet when she does talk she is always complaining what a naive fool I am and how people use me being such. I really am naive and sometimes too good to people that are making fun with me being there to help them and I hate myself for that.
It has not been this way for just a year- I feel it’s been all my life. Wheneever I try to talk to my closest for something that is bothering me everybody is turning their back on me. I am not that open and don’t share for that reason. I think I mess things up and i sometimes deserve the pain that I go through. But this time I just feel used and been mocked.
That is not the end of the story. recently I have been thinking more and more that I have been doing things in my life just to please someone else’s ambitions and wants and I got pretty used to it and now it is har for me to break the habit. I find myself not even applying for a uni course that have always wanted. I really wanted to pursue a carrer that has to do with arts and yet I am losing my nerves on some economic course that I have never pictured myself in. Everything turns that way always. And I am afraid that if I choose something to do that I really want to my family is always discouraging me and talking me out of it and my parents are saying that I am not worth a pennie which makes me feel like a piece of crap.
Plus, whenever I find some guy my sister is constantly trying to make me open my eyes and see how whoever is he is using me like i don’t deserve the right to be with someone except with her. Anyway, she feels free to spend her time with whoever she want without me messing up with her relationships and it is somehow unfair to me.
I know the things are really chaotic up here , but that is how they come to my mind. And if I ever find a living being with whom i can share it all i will feel like i got the burden out of me.
September 17, 2016 at 10:54 am #115419NoneParticipantSorry for the terrifying words I have mentioned in my first post I just feel that whenever I share such thing everybody is making fun of me and thinks I am only joking and looking for attention but that is the last thing I want.
September 17, 2016 at 11:14 am #115420AnonymousGuestDear None:
I don’t think you are “only joking and looking for attention.” I believe your pain is real and understandable. You wrote: “parents are saying that I am not worth a pennie” how can it not make any child (of any age) not “feel like a piece of crap.” After all, as children we look up to our parents, wanting nothing but for them to value us. And when a parent says you are “not worth a pennie”- that hurts a whole lot!
When your mother “sees me with tears i my eyes she says ‘Stop crying and go eat something'”- that is cruel of her. When she says that, in effect she is saying: don’t bother me; I have more important things in my day.
When she “is always complaining what a naive fool I am and how people use me being such”- she is hurting you. In fact so far in your sharing, your mother keeps hurting you and your sister follows in your mother’s footsteps, criticizing you the same way. Both are mistreating you, bullying you.
If your mother cared that you will not be mistreated by others, she should stop mistreating you herself.
How old are you? Did you think of moving out of your home, living away from your mother? Away from the people who mistreat you?
anita
September 17, 2016 at 11:27 am #115421
VJParticipantDear None,
To tell you something from the spiritual dimension, suicide is not going to be the answer. If you find out a way for your soul to leave this body of yours, the suicidal pattern is going to remain with you even when your soul enters another body (irrespective of whether you believe in multiple lifetimes of the soul or not) and its going to continue on and on (as the lifetime of the soul is eternal) until you “heal” or “resolve” your suicidal pattern issues. And your “healing” journey has begun by landing on websites such as this. Hope going forward you will change your search keywords on Google to something productive.
Have you taken a look at the free resources section of this website? If not please take time to visit the last section of this page.
(http://dev.tinybuddha.com/helpful-free-resources)Take Care.
VJSeptember 17, 2016 at 11:47 am #115423NoneParticipantTo anita :
I am a university student and I am in my third year now. I still consider my home wheere my parents live cuz uni life got me living in a dorm. However, I am dying to go home and spend some time where I belong, yet sometimes it is pretty scary to be at home cuz i feel that my mother doesn’t want that and enjoys having some time off without me and my sister. I could undestrand her sometimes and it really hurt me when i read that post of yours cuz my mother was not that lucky when she was my age as she lost her own mother really early and that’s why I tolerate her behaviour cuz I thought of the reason why she is acting this whay and I came up with that and I really feel sorry for her and despite of mistreating me I love her as she is my mum, after all.
To VJ
The thing that you mentioned is one of the few reasons that keep me away from doing that as I believe that if you got a problem and you try to skip it or swept it under the mat it will come back later… anyway, what shall somebody do if the problems are constrantly reoccurring and you can hadle none of them?
September 17, 2016 at 12:01 pm #115424NoneParticipantTo anita again”:
I start to believe that if I got the background in which I was treated this way and I tolerated it I will keep my mouth shut and bite my tongue if others are doing the same to me because as you said your parents are the ones you look up to. I got that feeling that I am in a vicious cycle of people mistreating me and I will never get out of it because whenever someone makes something nice for me I feel strange and I think they are setting things up just for their favour later- which happened with that boy I have already wrtitten for and don’t know how to treat him anymore cuz I will feel bad if I make him understand what a piece of crap he made me feel and if I do him good he will continue making fun of me in the worst way ever and only use me as I let him do that.
So that is where I am- giving my back to my background concrete wall that I can hardly destroy and in front of the same wall of my future as a naive fool whose voice I can’t just stop raising in me.
September 17, 2016 at 12:28 pm #115427AnonymousGuestDear None:
Of course you love your mother. I don’t think there is a child in the world that doesn’t. It doesn’t matter what kind of a mother a child has, the child will love her. It can be the cruelest mother of all mothers, and she will be loved by her child. Loving your mother is automatic.
Loving your mother does not mean she is good for you and that you should seek her company.
You wrote that you feel sorry for your mother because she grew up without a mother. But… why doesn’t she feel sorry for you; why doesn’t she have empathy for you? You are greatly suffering.
Children often feel sorry, having empathy for the parent while the parent does not have empathy for the child.
You wrote: “I am- giving my back to my background concrete wall that I can hardly destroy and in front of the same wall of my future” –
The lack of empathy by your mother, her mistreatment of you is the first concrete wall. For as long as you are not fully aware that she is your concrete wall (for as long as you keep waiting for her to love you), you are most likely to come across the second concrete wall.
Once you see her abuse of you for what it is, you will also be able to see abuse from others and avoid it and/ or assert yourself against it.
anita
September 17, 2016 at 12:44 pm #115428NoneParticipantThe thing is when I am away from her for quite a time everything is fine, but then with or without her people start playing with me again. I could just spend less time home or stay where I live now without my parents, yet I can’t thing of a way of neglecting some 20 years of my life and in some point it;s like part of me wants to be fooled and mistreated and there is always somebody by my side suitable for that job- maybe I got a talent for that, I don’t know. I can’t even explain to myself why I tend to believe that poeple have some good seeds in them and always give chance to them and they always prove me wrong. I could move out , I could see her or talk less with her seeking understanding and love somewhere else, but why instead of those good seeds I am expecting to nourish in people there come only the bad ones.
September 17, 2016 at 1:42 pm #115430AnonymousGuestDear None:
What you are saying is that you meet people that mistreat you again and again, maybe always, and so even if you had nothing to do with your mother, it is your… fate to be mistreated by everyone else that you meet. Am I correct?
Couple of truths that I have learned following being mistreated by my own mother and going out into the world without healing:
There are lots of people who want to be in control of other people so to satisfy their aims. For plenty of men, it is the aim of using women for sexual pleasure without any investment on their part or consequence. There is a weak woman who thinks there is something wrong with her… who thinks she is unworthy, so all it takes on the part of the man is to show any kind of interest and the woman is in his disposal. He can have sex with her and she will not ask for anything at all, not even a “please” or “thank you.”
For plenty of women, it is the weak man (or woman in same sex relationships) who feels unworthy… and will take her abuse without objection.
There are, indeed, plenty of people out there on the prowl of a woman like you.
And what does “a woman like you” mean? A woman who feels unworthy.
The thing is, None, you are worthy. I know it because you were born that way and I know it because you are suffering. If you were truly without value, you wouldn’t suffer over it. You are not a… (an example) penguin, but it doesn’t bother you- you don’t suffer for not being a penguin because you are, in reality, not a penguin.
But you suffer for bring treated as unworthy because you are, in reality, worthy.
I too used to believe very much that I was unworthy and I suffered a whole lot. But now, after enough healing I know I am worthy and always was. And so are you.
anita
September 17, 2016 at 8:41 pm #115486VJParticipantHi None,
Due to the unforeseen situations in your life perhaps your state of mind has become more of asking for questions rather than looking for answers.
I have already pointed out to you to look for the free resources giving you the link, but in turn you have again asked me what should you be doing. I didn’t find anything from your post to me that you “will look” or “have looked” at those 9 free resources that the website already has.http://i.imgsafe.org/e0c1624339.jpg
Also, you are already having “healing” and “releasing” conversations on this thread which is a good thing for you and so as I mentioned you are already on your journey towards the healing process. It’s not going to be as simple as “I am feeling hungry, I’ll have something to eat and then my hunger will go away”. This is applicable to your life problems as well as mine. The cleansing process of the soul is not so easy and at times one has to “go through” the suffering and painful situations in order to be truly healed. To minimise the emotional pain to “pass through” your karma there are lot many healing techniques and modalities all over the web and are easily searchable and reachable.
Wherever you go people are going to “point” you to a direction but “going there and coming” is going to be your job. This is where the quest of your soul is going to come into play.Best Regards,
VJ-
This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by
VJ.
September 18, 2016 at 1:12 am #115489NoneParticipantTo VJ:
Yes, I am at the point of asking a lot of questions but that does not mean I don’t have numerous answers(most of them controversial-which is not helping me at all) in my head. I searched through the resource you send above and I found some usefull stuff and others’ experiences which makes me look to my problem as a minor one compared to others’. But I know that when it comes to having a awful things happening in your life it seems that they can prolong so much that the person experiencing it will start to think that it will last forever and to make things worse they will remind the good times that happened before and then it really gets tough.
I get that no one cannot achieve any progress if you sit there and murmur about the bad in life and they should be getting down to working out their problems. Maybe I just need a stronger push in my life so that I can start doing that… maybe te things that happen to me are for a reson and every time I think of that I get scared of myself and ask myself “am I really that bad person so that bad things happen to me”.
I understand and appreciate my time here and having this conversation with you as I don’t share a lot of things in my life because of the fear that people will think I am either crazy or making things up just for some time to get “famous”(and I don’t undesrand what kind of person will think that others want the attention of their close ones and friends by doing this). That is why I am here and I prefer to stay anonymous and share things with people I have never known so that I can hear their clear point of view and start looking things through clear glassess let’s say(I know it sound strange). What is more, I found this site googling for ways to stay positive and positive thinking therapy and I will get stuck on every single chance to make my problems not problems anymore, yet now I just feel like I am standing at the bottom of a trap and can’t see the light out there.
September 18, 2016 at 1:24 am #115490NoneParticipantTo anita:
How after such experiences in life a person can recognize the ones that are using people and the ones that have true intentions without getting “scratched”. How many times does a person have to be mistreated and lied to so that they can find happiness and is ti the bad ones in our lives that are not letting the good ones to be with us?
To the words you said about the worthiness- i had times that i did tiny things that I loved and I was really good at doing them. However, everybody around me was jealous that I can can things done at least once and it come down to them trying to stay away from me… how to I preoceed inn such situations without coming to them and begging to be with you…or either standing alone?
September 18, 2016 at 9:04 am #115516AnonymousGuestDear None:
You asked: “How after such experiences in life a person can recognize the ones that are using people and the ones that have true intentions without getting “’scratched’?”
My answer: you evaluate a person before you get involved with that person, before you let that person in. Even on this very forum right here. There are people replying to your posts: I am one. Pay attention to any particular reply you receive: does it make sense? Does it follow logic? If you believe in science (I do!)- is the reply congruent with science?
If a reply is not logical, it means the person replying does not follow logic.
Pay attention to any particular reply: does the person show patience there or impatience? Is it negatively critical of you or kind and accepting? If the reply is impatience and negatively critical, well it means that the person replying is impatience and critical.
Maybe that person is only.. temporarily impatient. So you look at the next reply and the next. You keep evaluating. Always look at WHO is saying what and determine a person’s motivation.
Same thing with life outside the internet. Evaluate BEFORE becoming involved, this is how you avoid being hurt. Only when, over time you observe, learn and evaluate a person to be honest, fair, kind… then you get involved.
Things shouldn’t be … happening to us if we have a say in their happening to us- or not. Better not be passive participants.
There is no entity that makes things happen to us for a reason. Things happen, yes and you can learn from them or not. But no predetermined reason.
anita
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