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Friendship problems

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  • September 5, 2016 at 10:40 am #114297
    H
    Participant

    Hi all. Hoping that you’ll give me your opinion on the situation I find myself in.
    I’ve known my friend for about four years. She’s almost 40 (I’m 30) and her father recently passed away. He had an awful death and she was very close to her father.
    She has been seeing this man for a couple of years. He is divorced and has two children (they’re about 7-8 and 10/11). He’s in his late forties.
    When her father was dying, she wanted his suffering to be over and she said this to her manfriend. He said he couldn’t support her because of what she was saying and abandoned her as it was ‘too much for him.’
    In essence because she wasn’t reacting in a way he could support, he did a runner – that was the way he explained it. This left my friend extremely desperate and in a complete state. She was barely getting through each day. It was very worrying.

    When she returned to the UK, we arranged for me to stay at hers for a night. At the last minute, she bailed on me and I ended up having to book a hotel room in London. She didn’t make any effort to try and find another way forward. She kept saying she was tired, and then on the Saturday (the day before I was due to stay with her) she sent me a happy families photo on a bridge in London with her, this man and the children!

    It isn’t the money that has upset me so much…it’s that I have been ditched for far less in previous friendships, and her manfriend can abandon someone when a parent is dying and get away with it. It’s hard to describe.

    I’m an only child and my family are not close at all, so friendships are very important. I feel that I am the one has made all the effort and done all the giving. I want to make it clear that my friend has never asked for any presents or anything – its something I do to show love/affection. But at the same time I now feel like a complete fool.
    She wants to meet up in a couple of weeks and although this happened about a month ago now, I’m not sure whether its a good idea.
    I have barely messaged her as I’m too upset and when I tried the other day, she only went and mentioned him again! And sent another happy families photo! I commute for about four hours a day and her continually saying she is tired when she is travelling hundreds of miles to see him all the time is also making me very annoyed.

    I don’t know how to handle the situation at all. I know this anger is no good for me but I can’t seem to get rid of it….
    Has anyone got any thoughts?

    September 5, 2016 at 11:16 am #114301
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Hey Ablanura,

    All i can say is that i understand its annoying to get ditched at the last minute. I understand she’s had a terrible loss but there are other people in her life who can support her too in their own way. Her equation with this guy is not that of a “just friends” one – she priorities him as a result. In your case, all i can say is Instead of commuting 4 hours a day for her, try calling her instead on a regular basis. Support her but don’t bend backwards like last time to do so.

    If she wants to meet, ask her to come over instead as its not possible for you to commute so much currently – you did show up to London before for her and spent a night in a hotel instead. Its time she did her bit too. However, as she is grieving right now, better not to bring up the irritation with her behavior. Let the dust settle by itself.

    This is a small example I will give you: A friend of mine made plans twice and cancelled. The first time she cancelled the moment i was ready and about to leave the house. The second time she just forgot and messaged much later to cancel. Both times were pretty annoying but I decided to drop it, say that its okay – the rule though was i prefer not to initiate until the next time she does. Then a week later, she herself shows up at my place and we hang out. I drop the whole “aww man, you’re pretty busy these days, right? you had to cancel the last two times” while laughing with her over some jokes and the message is received…albeit indirectly and gently. This approach works best with people we are relatively close to but not super close either.

    The others will surely have more sensible advice/ideas to offer but this is my version of the situation.

    Let this anger go – you did your bit, she is anyway not in her best state now.

    Regards,
    Nina

    September 5, 2016 at 11:32 am #114305
    H
    Participant

    Hi Nina Sakura, thank you for your input. It’s appreciated. I just need to make it clear that the four hour commute is for my job, not to see her. Which is crazy in itself so I’m looking for another job. She used to live in the same area of England as me and moved to London with her brother to escape a very bad relationship.

    September 5, 2016 at 11:37 am #114306
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Ahh good to know that it’s for the job only, phew! And yep, thats an insane commute on a daily basis. You must be tired often and more the reason why she needs to make an effort too, atleast once if she wants to meet, especially after the last stint related to the hotel.

    September 5, 2016 at 1:32 pm #114323
    H
    Participant

    Hi Nina Sakura, I think the commute I do is partly why I’m getting really irritated by her saying she’s tired, because if you really were that tired you’d be struggling to function like I am…when I’m not at work I’m too tired to do anything else.

    September 5, 2016 at 8:17 pm #114341
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ablanura:

    A friendship, any relationship, should be a Win-Win relationship. If you are doing all the giving, then it is Lose for you and it is not a good idea for you to engage in.

    anita

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