Done with the negative engery - I HOPE

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This topic has 17 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by VJ.

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September 3, 2016 at 1:05 pm #114132

Sue
Participant

Hello. I’m new here so ended up posting the below in someone else’s thread but it was suggested that I give it a thread of its own.
I have a toxic sister who I have pretty much decided that I need to avoid as much as possible, but to completely avoid her would also mean not seeing my nieces, nephews, their children, etc. And with major life event celebrations (and deaths) there are times we all must get together. I have tried therapy, I have tried being nice to her bullying and put-downs, I have tried ignoring, I have tried having prepared come-back lines…. nothing works – she still has a way to get to the small inner child of mine that she bullied from the day I was born (and is still doing it 60 years later). She will never change and it’s not my job to change her, but I still struggle with the affect she has on me, the comments she makes that cut to my core, and the embarrassment she tries to cause me every time we are in the same place.

I no longer care that she may be doing it out of her own insecurities or unhappiness… that is her problem, not mine, but the way she STILL can affect me, and so powerfully, is mind boggling. I’m here looking for help on not letting her do this for the rest of my life. There are some happy events coming up in the family and I am already stressed and anxious over her not only ruining them for me, but causing me to take major steps backwards in my personal growth.

Thanks for listening.
Sue

September 3, 2016 at 1:38 pm #114135

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sue:

From my own experience with my own bully (my mother) during my childhood, this is my input:

Having gained in depth understanding on how it happens, this is not mind boggling to me (” the way she STILL can affect me, and so powerfully, is mind boggling.”)-

She bullied you since the day you were born, you wrote. Childhood years are called “Formative Years because our brains are formed during those years, in many ways: one way is the millions of connections between nerve cells done in the brain. Learning to talk involves millions of connections, beginning with a few, connecting words together in a short sentence and going on from there. Other connections are made as well, in your case, there is a connection between the image of your sister and pain/ distress (being bullied). There are connections between how she looked at you when bullying you and distress; how she phrased her put downs, etc.

These are permanent connections. They can be weakened over time but we don’t live long enough to get rid of them. This is why at 60, once you see her (certain brain cells register her sight) or when you hear her (other brain cells register her voice), you experience distress.

If other people look at you like she does or sound like her, that also brings about distress, doesn’t it?

This is why you are still distressed seeing her, hearing her. There is nothing you can do about it other than avoid seeing her and hearing her or about her.

After I cut all contact with my mother, I kept feeling distressed as I projected her into other people, believing they are going to attack me like she did. It took more healing for my fear to diminish. And still, I am afraid.

No point in trying yet again all the things you tried- not seeing her is the only thing you can do. But I understand your concerns about not seeing other family members as a result. The thing is, it is possible for you to really, completely cut all contact with her and not attend the big family events and instead have private visits with family, visits where she is not present. This is an option and your choice, of course.

Thing to remember: cutting all contact with her will help, but it will take more post contact work to not be distressed by automatic memories of her bullying triggered by current events like someone looking like her or anyone randomly (for not apparent discernable reason) triggering an emotional memory of being bullied.

If you choose to see her in the context of other people being there- well, there is no way to avoid being triggered, as I see it. It is really not within your control- your brain has been formed, many years ago, this way: you see her- and there is distress.

Side note: there were times I saw my mother and didn’t feel distress; those were rare. I think my brain, being overly distressed, simply took a break from the distress.

What do you think?

anita

September 3, 2016 at 6:21 pm #114152

Sue
Participant

Wow. Just . . . wow. Your response was incredibly insightful, clear and gave me such a great sense of relief! Your comments about how and why this still keeps happening to me not only helps me understand why I can’t beat this, but it makes me feel like less of a failure for NOT being able to “get over it”. I wish just one of my therapists had been able to pinpoint it for me that quickly and clearly – it would have saved me years of effort and frustration and, ultimately, feelings of failure and defeat.

This is NOT my fault, and there isn’t much I CAN do to change the situation, but now I maybe I can accept that and stop wasting energy trying to beat it or conquer it.

For a little more background (which will just solidify what you so accurately summarized) my sister has LITERALLY been this way towards me since the day I was born: I was born on her 10th birthday and she resented now having to SHARE her birthday with someone else every year. And the fact that she and my other sister are 10 and 9 years older than me just made the feelings of isolation, abandonment, and inferiority even stronger – they bonded together and I was always just the pesky little sister who had nothing in common with them. My mother was of no help, as a matter of fact she contributed to my problems: when I started developing tics and OCD and nervous habits, she would scream at me to stop because I was embarrassing her and that someone might think I was crazy and lock me away. I also heard during my early years that she thought she was too old to be having me and that she cried through the entire pregnancy because she didn’t want another child. Gee, thanks, Mom.

Looking back, I’m amazed that I turned out as well as I did. But while you’re living your life, you have no idea that there are valid reasons for what you’re feeling and that this isn’t how everyone grew up. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Finally, all these years later, I have a slight clue.

Thanks for giving me the peace and comfort to realize there’s not much I can do to change it, that I should continue to avoid wherever possible, and that I should just put up my wall to protect my heart and head when I’m going to be around her. I may print your reply and carry it around with me, not only as a reminder to myself, but to show to my well-meaning friends when they tell me to just not take it personally and not let it bother me. If only it were that easy.

Sue

September 3, 2016 at 7:07 pm #114155

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sue:

My goodness, you too had tics and OCD? I had heavy duty OCD and Tourette Syndrome since I was five or six.

I am glad I was able to be of help. I’ve been on what I call my Healing Path/ journey/ process for over five years, hours of work per day, starting with my first therapy with a competent, empathetic and hard working therapist (at 50), two years, and then, using the skills I learned I kept going for three more years and going. I learned and am learning a lot and will be glad to share more with you. So anytime, please post here and I will be glad to reply.

Those connections between brain cells (neuropathways) were formed and got reinforced with every bullying incident by your sister. Every time you see her, these pathways are reinforced. If you stopped seeing her altogether, those pathways, over time, will weaken. If you stopped seeing her and took on healing, as I have, you could accelerate the weakening of these pathways, but it will take a whole lot of time.

I was criticized a lot in the past for … not “getting over” the past and not “moving on”- those criticisms and disapproval hurt me further, added injury to injury. The past is imprinted in the brain via those pathways. There is no way to undo those pathways by an act of will. We are formed- during those Formative Years- with the past as part of our physiology.

I read more of your story, in the last post and it is regrettable. Your mother did not protect you from your bullying sister, didn’t notice your isolation and distress and on top of it, added her cruel words. What a shame.

As I wrote, do post anytime.

anita

September 3, 2016 at 8:52 pm #114161
VJ
Participant
Dear Sue,

“in life event celebrations (and deaths) there are times we all must get together.
There are some happy events coming up in the family
I should just put up my wall to protect my heart and head when I’m going to be around her
…If only it were that easy…”

“to completely avoid her would also mean not seeing my nieces, nephews, their children, etc”
What have these people done to you……especially the kids? And how many more such people are going to be avoided? You are blocking the flow of energy in the Universe that are coming from people (other than your sister) which may be coming to you in the form of love, peace happiness, joy, caring and sharing. You may now not need to restrict this flow and open up yourself to the love, beauty and grace of the Divine at least that may be coming to you from these “other than your sister” people.

Here is a simple and practical energy healing technique based on your title of the post “negative energy” and if you understand ‘Energy is all there is’…

When you are feeling vulnerable, the central meridian, one of the two energy pathways that govern your central nervous system, can be like a radio receiver that channels other people’s negative thoughts and energies into you. If the central meridian is off, you are open and exposed. The central meridian runs like a zipper from your pubic bone up to your bottom lip. You can use the energies of your hands to “zip it up”. Pulling your hands up the central meridian draws energy along the meridian line.

If you feel like you need more protection from a toxic environment or toxic people, Donna Eden’s Zip Up Technique is for you!
The Zip Up technique will help you to:
– feel more confident and positive about yourself
– think more clearly
– protect yourself from negative energies that may be around you (energy vampires)

You will begin to feel more centered, in control and in your own power. Zipping up helps you to be present with another person in a conflictual situation with lowest chances of other’s negative attitude dragging down your energies. This process has enabled people to speak up with their boss, a difficult parent, an angry child, or an ex-lover and stay centered in their own truth and self-validation.

Here is a visual image and a textual list of steps on how to do it. (Please go through the entire text)
http://www.tapintoheaven.com/2stuff/stufprotec.shtml

Here is a video straight from Donna Eden explaining about the process.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zefjc9kYPRE
(What Donna did before and after the Zip up technique was the energy testing of the candidate. You can skip that part and just do only the actual technique portion)

Here are other links if you want to have more clarity on how to do the actual process. I recommend you to go through these.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-it0QZr79U)
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lq1Dfh-qgrA)

Do the technique along with the breathing and affirmation explained in the above textual link.
Do as many times as you want and as and when you want. You can start doing it from today itself and especially you may want to do it when your event is coming up and on that day too. Starting this now and doing the technique well before the event is itself going to help a lot. Also when you feel you want to do this in a social situation and cannot do it in front of others you can simply visualize doing the actual procedure of the technique or casually look using your eyes from the pubic bone to the lip along with the affirmation mentally.

Take good care of yourself.

VJ.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by VJ.
September 3, 2016 at 8:58 pm #114163

Sue
Participant

Hi there.
My tics started when I was 6, and of course they confused the heck out of me, scared me, and then I quickly realized I needed to be ashamed and embarrassed by them and try to subdue them and hide them. Great start to life. I had absolutely no “safe place” or safe person. My parents and both sisters came here from overseas “on the boat” so I never knew any grandparents or aunts or uncles.

I’ve tried to figure out if I had/have Tourette’s or OCD or tics, but I believe they are all connected and related so I guess it doesn’t matter what I call them. Anti-depressants helped make my OCD tolerable – it totally took over my life for a while there.

I’d love to hear more about the things you’ve learned through your healing path. It’s nice to chat with someone who “gets it”.
Sue

September 3, 2016 at 9:14 pm #114165

Sue
Participant

“When you are feeling vulnerable, the central meridian, one of the two energy pathways that govern your central nervous system, can be like a radio receiver that channels other people’s negative thoughts and energies into you. If the central meridian is off, you are open and exposed.”

Thank you for the feedback and the links – I will read and watch all of it – lucky for me it’s a 3-day weekend. I am a little confused by your above comment: So should I think of the zipper as an On/Off switch? You say when it’s “off”, I am open and exposed, so I should zip up to turn it on?

Thanks again for sharing.
Sue

September 3, 2016 at 9:32 pm #114167
VJ
Participant
Hi Sue,

“so I should zip up to turn it on?”
Exactly.

You won’t have much of any doubts when you go through the links and the videos. But if you still have any please feel free to write back.

“I will read and watch all of it – lucky for me it’s a 3-day weekend”
Use the long weekend to also DO the technique along with reading and watching 🙂

Warm Regards,
VJ.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by VJ.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by VJ.
September 4, 2016 at 6:06 am #114181

Anonymous
Inactive

Anger is never stilled by anger. Only non-anger can stop anger from raging within you and hurting you. If you want to be done with the ‘negative energy’, stop sending her your negative energy.

Sounds like you’re in a terrible situation, and I wish you strength for dealing with it. But if you can’t escape her, and you can block her darted words, the only solution is to love her.

September 4, 2016 at 7:47 am #114186

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sue:

The tics and OCD symptoms are symptoms of the root cause: anxiety. I define anxiety as excessive, ongoing fear. When I was attacked by my mother (and you by your bullying sister) again and again, that created fear. There was no one to comfort me- and how can the person attacking me- comfort me? In your case, your mother did not comfort you. Instead she scared you further, saying you will be locked away. She blamed you for displaying the consequences of the injury done to you. It is like blaming a person who was stabbed for bleeding.

And so that anxiety, not comforted, over time, creates havoc in the body, here in the form of tics, and OCD rituals aimed at releasing that excess, ongoing anxiety.

I discovered over time that my empathy for my mother (I loved her a whole lot, was focused on her pain; all I wanted was for her to be happy) was in my way of healing. My mother deserves empathy and love, only not from me. Can you imagine, in nature, if a prey animal is attacked by a predator, and the prey decides to be loving to the predator, then the prey will be dead. It is not natural for an animal that is attacked to be loving of the attacker. What is natural for the prey animal is to feel either fear and run away or anger and fight. It is natural to either run or fight danger.

We are animals and so, loving the one who attacked you your whole life, never regretted it, truly asked for your forgiveness and offered to make it up to you, over time… to love such a person is to offer yourself yet again to be prey.

Your title has “negative energy” in it. Anger doesn’t feel good and often people express it abusively. But when not expressed abusively, it has a valid purpose- to protect you from danger, from another attack, and in so doing- it is positive…positive energy.

anita

September 4, 2016 at 8:57 am #114196

Sue
Participant

Hi Guys…. thanks for contributing and sharing. So many emotions and feelings arise when reading these posts but I guess that’s a good thing – once they are on the surface where I can feel them and acknowledge them, then I can try to deal with them. I had a therapist tell me that my way of dealing was to shove everything deep down inside, deny it, and not acknowledge it, and she was right about that. When people ask how I am or how I’m doing, or even when “I” myself do a self check on how I’m doing, I only focus on my blessings and tend to not see or acknowledge the struggles that are going on in my life. I tend to say that the the major things going on are “no big deal” but others look at me with dropped jaws and say “Oh my God – how are you possibly dealing with that and looking so calm!?!?!” I guess shoving it all down and denying it’s negativity was my way of coping. And I think it probably still is.

As an example of how there’s no winning with my sister, I always prepare myself, give myself pep talks, and enter her house with a very upbeat, positive, smile and hugs hoping it will be contagious and spread to her. Last week when I walked into her home and greeted her with a hug and smile, she said “What the hell are you so happy about!?!? Oh, that’s right – you’re on Prozac – of course you’re happy!” This, in front of approximately 20 people, some family and some strangers. Not the first time she’s done that. The next time I had to attend an event at her house, I tried to walk in neutral, thinking maybe being pleasant and happy annoyed her, so I gave a less enthusiastic hug and smile. She said “what the hell is wrong with you?!?” Shrug. Can’t win – she has something negative to say about everything I say or do. A few days later, I attended her granddaughter’s baptism. Me and my husband showed up early (didn’t want to get yelled at for being late) and she was sitting in the pew. We went and greeted her and then said that we were going to go walk around outside as the grounds and weather were beautiful and there was still an hour before the mass even begun. She went off on me about why bother coming early if you’re not going to sit down and why are you so antsy and why can’t you just sit here quietly for an hour instead of walking around? I’m not exaggerating – there is ALWAYS something she complains about – I can do no right. And I’ve spent years trying to find a way to NOT get berated whenever I see her, but I’m thinking the best thing is to ACCEPT it will always be this way and just stop seeing her as much as possible.

The dilemma there is she is the one that hosts all the holiday dinners for family so in my decades-long quest to “fit in” I attend them hoping for a different outcome and because I want to see the rest of the family. Lately I’ve been turning down invitations and I’m avoiding the anxiety and stress she causes me, but then I feel depressed about not being involved in the family events and being left out of the loop by not attending.

I guess I need to let go. I have always preferred to keep to myself (gee, I wonder why) so my job, husband, dogs and hobbies are enough for me – I need to stop fantasizing about a family relationship that can never be.
Sue

September 4, 2016 at 9:27 am #114198

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sue:

Your sister is obviously still, present tense, abusive to you.

I have a question to you, Sue: having read the responses you received so far on this thread, what of the suggestions and input (without mentioning names of respondents) do you accept as reasonable and helpful and what do you reject as unreasonable and unhelpful?

I am asking this because your last post was addressed to All, and I need to know how I, personally, proceed with my posts to you on this thread.

anita

September 4, 2016 at 9:34 am #114199

Anonymous
Inactive

Is there not a way for you to see the other members of your family while avoiding her and her big get togethers?

September 4, 2016 at 10:05 am #114209

Sue
Participant

Hi, Anita.
I’m not sure how to answer your question and am a little confused as to why an answer would help you decide how to proceed with posts to me. I would hope you would express your feelings and beliefs honestly and openly regardless of how much of it I agree with. Isn’t a forum about getting, evaluating, and pondering ALL inputs and all different perspectives? I think I can learn a little bit from everyone as there is no one simple, cut and dry solution to my problem. It will most likely be a combination of suggestions, feedback and input from various approaches.

My initial reaction is that trying to approach her with love and forgiveness gets me nowhere – been there, done that. It’s basically what I’ve been trying to do for years – win her approval by killing her with kindness. I am at the stage of life where I’m leaning towards “If you’re a miserable, unhappy person, there is nothing I can do to help you with that so I must now protect myself from you and learn to fully enjoy the life I have left.”

In reply to Monklet, most of the “family” is hers. She had three children, and they all now have spouses and children, so she hosts all the get-togethers and holidays. For me to try and see my nieces and nephews without her would unleash a wrath that would punish not only me but her children as well. Actually, her daughter is a drama queen that drinks too much and one of her sons is a heroin-addict and not someone I enjoy seeing. My two adult children don’t really go to her events because they distanced themselves long ago. So I am going to focus more on spending time with my children and seeing less of her family. My daughter, however, got married and moved to Oregon a few years ago so seeing her is difficult but we keep in touch electronically.
Sue

September 4, 2016 at 10:57 am #114212

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sue:

You wrote in your last post: “I can learn a little bit from everyone as there is no one simple, cut and dry solution to my problem”

True, I do learn from everyone, but often what I learn is not what the person is trying to teach me.

Critical thinking is crucial for our human life in this complex world. With all the information and misinformation, opinions and facts, beliefs and bare reality- we have to accept some and reject some.

You wrote that there is no “one simple, cut and dry solution” to your problem. That depends on how you define the problem. If the problem is: Sue has been bullied by her older sister for sixty years and is still being bullied. Then there is, says I, one simple, cut and dry solution: you no longer expose yourself to her bullying and abuse. Zero contact with abusive person.

If the problem is: I want contact with abusive sister’s grandchildren (which seems to be what stands in your way to accepting the simple, cut and dry solution?), then there may be a solution to that which does not negate the above solution, the zero contact.

anita
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