Dear Nina Sakura:

I believe you are seeing things accurately, and this is why you feel oddly liberated, at least at times. If you pursue this honest examination of the reality of your childhood, your forming years, you will be more and more liberated to choose how you want to be instead of automatically reacting to how you were formed to be.

It is the freedom to form, to actively choose instead of be the same-old-same-old, replay the same, like an automation.

In a July thread you wrote this simple sentence: ” Frankly, they are only people i trust fully” you were referring to your parents.

Every young child trusts his or her parents. No matter who they are. From your shares, your parents are good people. But even if they were bad, you would have trusted them fully, as a young child.

The child is not born with an independent identity. There is no “I’ Vs “They” (Parent/s). It is all one unit. The liberating part you mentioned above is liberating yourself from that unit.

It is a mind boggling process- because your parents, your mother, is a psychic identity in your brain. She is such because she was never just “a person” in your life- she was you, one unit. What she said to you was not someone else telling you this or that- it was The Unit telling you that.

Obviously it doesn’t take drawing blood to hurt a child- it “only” takes … mild criticism. Mild, I write- doesn’t feel like mild for a child. It is later, when you read about Other parents that you figure out your situation was mild.

If the consequences in your present life, of your mother’s criticism are mild then her criticism was mild. If the consequences are significant, then her criticism was significant. This is how you know…

Also, I noticed lately: when a parent criticize others for what you know exists in you too- then the criticism becomes personal. Or when a parent criticizes others for anything, you get scared: am I like that person who is criticized. For example, when a parent criticizes a stranger for … walking funny (just an example), you start wondering: am I walking funny?

Your thoughts?

anita

Dear Nina Sakura:

“this one I need to tackle”- you mean you need to change your weight? To lose weight?

If so, you can post about it here or in a new thread- as part of your goal setting and process achieving it.

anita

Nina

You seem like a really nice person, and you seem to have a lot of insight about yourself. It sounds to me like your parents are basically good people, and maybe they have made some mistakes along the way (who hasn’t). I’m in my forties and I remember being twenty-something and having self doubt and questioning the way my parents brought me up. It’s ok to do a little of that, but be very careful not to let it become a cloud over your head, or an obsession. Try and find ways to work on improving your self confidence without over over analyzing the reasons behind it.

I hope that doesn’t come off as insensitive, as that is not my intention. I’m not trying to minimize your feelings in any way. I truly hope you find peace and self acceptance.

Dear Nina:

I am glad we are communicating about losing weight because I have a comment about you running (“I still don’t have the courage to run in public”)- running is not a good way to lose weight. It is unsafe, especially for an overweight person. Injuries running are frequent resulting in you not being able to even walk and so it defeats the purpose. When you run, both legs are in the air often and when you hit the ground, the weight of the whole body lands on your joints, frequently causing injury. And… the more weight, the more stress on your joints, knees in particular.

Walking, fast walking is the best way to go!

I am glad you went for a walk. And yes, people cancel, so got to go by yourself.

Regarding the relatives coming over for lunch and you dreading their questions: you can prepare for those questions, right here, if you’d like. Come up with the questions and figure out what answers would be best for you to say. I can help with that!

anita

Dear Nina:

I like your attitude and resolution. When you are in their presence, especially your uncle’s, expect a likely automatic anxious physical response. Resolutions don’t prevent those. When you notice, calm yourself, repeat this resolution to yourself. Do say to yourself that you survived his words in the past, that you are okay and will be okay regardless of what he says. See him as just another person, so the words he says are not from an entity other than a .. person.

anita

Dear Nina:

Similar experience on a roller coaster myself- went on one not looking up to see what the roller coaster was about. I was terrified. I didn’t understand how people survive such terror. But people do. Fear is so uncomfortable and yet, so survivable.

anita