Dear Tessa:

If you give an example or two of something you said or did that your friend evaluated as “Too intense, too overwhelming”- that would help me understand what these mean (too intense/ overwhelming/too much) to your friend.

Also: did your friend herself explain to you what she meant by too intense etc.?

anita

Dear Tessa:

What your friend says about you does not make it so. When anyone says something about you, be it a best friend or a parent, it doesn’t mean it is true. People often inaccurately project into people. For example, your friend’s mother (a wild example) is divorced and dating. Then she tells your friend the details of her dating experience and your friend hates it! She wishes her mother was still living with her father and not dating other men! So when you tell her about your dating, it triggers her anger at her own mother. She may not express her anger at her mother but she is more comfortable expressing her disapproval, hurt, anger at you.

Like I wrote, this is an example, but the principle of it is very often what happens in real life. So you have to consider this every time someone tells you about who you are. It is often who… someone else in their life is (how crazy it sounds, doesn’t it… yet true).

Regarding your example of dating multiple guys then obsessing about whether the new guy is dating multiple girls, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with your feelings. Each of your feelings has a valid message. If you find out the valid message, it will cut off a whole lot from your overthinking.

Do you feel guilty or shameful for having dated multiple guys? I am asking in effort to identify your feelings in the account of your last post.

anita

Dear Tessa,
It hurts our feelings when a close friend says we’re “too” anything! I don’t even like being called “too nice” because I feel like a sucker.
You’re probably not too intense. However, it would be best for you if you find a way not to obsess or put the cart before the horse, so to speak.

Try not to project what you hope the relationship will be and just try to enjoy it one day at a time.

When you talk with your friend, are you allowing adequate pauses between thoughts? If you sound frantic and are rambling it can come across as too intense. Be sure you are also asking her about her life.

Imagining the worst is nearly as bad as if it happened. It isn’t helping you.
I have a close friend who is terribly stressed about work and money. I love her. But I can’t call her anymore. I check in via email.
She starts a frantic stream of thoughts “I have to keep this job. If I lose this job I’ll lose my house. My boss hates me and I don’t feel good at what I do and I think they’ll figure it out and fire me….”

Read that and tell me how it makes you feel? It’s intense and it stresses me because there’s never a break from it with her. She needs therapy because our friends are not our therapists.

It may help you to talk to someone professionally if your thoughts run rampant. Or start by saying in your head “Stop. Is there proof? Is it helping to think that way?” And go out and have fun with your friend!

Remember to take some deep breaths. Maybe journal. When you write how you feel it truly helps. You can look back at it, reread and if you still feel the same anxiety, then confide in a friend…make sure it’s in a relaxed environment. Don’t bring it up at the end of a long work day (for her). Spend some quiet fun time with her. Then later in the day ask her if she thinks whatever you are concerned about is truly a concern.

Good luck.

Dear Tessa,

All the things that you mentioned (too intense, too overwhelming) all sound like personal opinions rather than facts. You mentioned that there are people in your life that make you feel that your intensity is your power; those are the people that you need in your life. It sounds like they are the ones that truly understand you and like being around you. As for your best friend, I’m not saying to write her off, but keep being you. Maybe she will learn to love your passionate and friendly personality as your other friends have, or maybe things will change and you both will drift apart. If the latter happens, be kind to yourself and remember that “everything is as it should be.”

Floridajeanne did have a good point though that I could take for myself: sometimes when we are feeling anxious and have a million thoughts in our head and want to share those thoughts with someone we’re close to, it can come out as a little frantic and stressful. Journaling and mindfulness will help this.

All in all, continue being you. Don’t focus on not being something. Shift your focus more on the positive qualities about yourself and everything will fall into place.

Love and Light,
Chi <3