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unsettled post therapy

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • July 20, 2016 at 12:49 pm #110155
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey all 🙂
    I started therapy last week and thought I’d share the experience here since I feel the need to talk about it (therapy for my therapy?) and also since I would really appreciate you guys’ perspective.
    I felt very raw after my session today, and very sensitive but not in a bad way. I allowed myself to feel disappointed when something small I was looking forward to looked like it wouldn’t happen, and then got my reward by being able to feel excited when it did happen (it has been a while since I have been able to feel excited about anything).
    But right now I am so disoriented. I met up with friends I had been considering my support system for a while and ended up questioning the basis of my attachment to these (wonderful) people. One of them clearly has been using me as an emotional crutch for a while, and the other I am drawn to because I feel like he can “fix me”. Yikes. So now I feel like I have two groups of very different people in my life : 1) the group who have their life figured out but are not emotionally open (2) the group who are emotionally open but very very unhappy and almost universally in a worse place than I am. Group 2 is who I had been considering my support system.
    So now, I am in therapy, feeling very very vulnerable and without feeling like I have a support system that I can lean on.
    Help advice and wisdom would be appreciated <3

    July 20, 2016 at 6:16 pm #110181
    Seaisland
    Participant

    Key phrases that make me concerned–you are BEGINNING therapy. Therapy may take a while–definitely if you are pouring your heart out you are going to feel raw. I just had my first therapy without shedding any tears within last month–after 2 years. I felt better and better I learned more and more but for me crying and hurting in a safe place was so healing. I have empathy for what you are going thru. Please be patient with yourself and your journey

    You are just learning how to communicate with a trained therapist–your FRIENDS are not trained–telling them what is going on with you and your therapist may be a big mistake, not surprising they aren’t telling you or acting in a way that is positive for your growth.

    Maybe next therapy appointment you could tell your therapist what you said here and see what she/he says. Maybe a support group would be suggested…Or maybe not. You and your friends cant fix each other right now. You need to take care of you. Your friends who have it together but don’t support you, may not be able to extend the time and energy you need and still “keep it together”. Your unhappy friends sure cant be sounding boards and give you good advice.

    You are not going to figure it all out yet– this site may help you, but take away what helps not what doesn’t. I have gotten great advice. I have also applied advice given to others to myself–other times I have totally known it wasn’t good advice for me. There are some nice people here–there are some confused people here. (I can be both–but my intent is sincere LOL )
    Be kind to yourself–give it time

    Hugs
    Seaisland

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Seaisland.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Seaisland.
    July 21, 2016 at 2:59 am #110213
    greenshade
    Participant

    Thank you for such a well drawn out and sensitive reply seaisland! I am not used to uncertainty and I like quick answers so I think I’m panicking slightly before allowing myself to settle in the experience. I will bring this up with my therapist.
    “You are just learning how to communicate with a trained therapist” this sentence really put things into perspective. I think I’m trying to apply everything we talked about constantly when I need to be okay with baby steps.
    Lov,
    m

    July 21, 2016 at 7:18 am #110227
    Seaisland
    Participant

    You are absolutely welcome….I identified with how you felt. I am on a journey and can share the alternating confusion, then having aha knowing moments. then being discouraged when I try to apply it to situation/ people who I deal with in daily living.

    I have a notepad just for inspiration.I find it helpful to write down quotes–from wise philosophers, friends, and lines in corny songs. Sometimes I need deep thoughts- sometimes I just need to grin.

    Singing purposely off key/torturing myself with the old standby song “I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden” makes me laugh at myself and get a reality check. I have to sing it-reading it doesn’t do the trick. I am sure my family is grateful I do this alone in my car.

    A million smiles and hugs

    Seaisland

    July 21, 2016 at 9:17 am #110243
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear greenshade:

    I like Seaisland’s replies to you very much.

    My comment is regarding this part of your post: “…without feeling like I have a support system that I can lean on.” My comment is about the verb “lean on”- lean on selectively, in great moderation. Most people are struggling and it is dangerous to lean on anyone … too much. Take it easy, be gentle and patient with yourself and with the therapeutic process.

    anita

    July 22, 2016 at 7:09 am #110298
    greenshade
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thanks for your reply and for pointing this out! I am struggling finding a happy medium between opening up emotionally to my friends which I have never really done and leaning on them too much. I guess I have to keep telling myself baby steps here too and give myself time to figure this out.

    July 22, 2016 at 10:13 am #110306
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear greenshade:

    you are welcome. I agree: baby steps. Let’s say you open up a bit (baby size) to friend X- do so and wait. Did she (or he) respond, said something to indicate she listened? Did she said something that invalidates or something that validates what you said? Did she ask questions, wanting to know more about the topic of your share?

    If you shared and she keeps talking about her stuff, as if you had your turn and now it is her turn, then future sharing is not wise, unless you just want to vent (you vent/ she vents and that is all)

    If you shared and her response is to suggest to you that you are wrong to feel what you do- then sharing in the future is very unwise.

    If her response is a cliché of some sort, like: “Your parents did their best” or “Everyone has issues” – that is the same as invalidating. What you need is a response that is personal to your sharing, not a cliché, and therefore future sharing with that person is also unwise.

    If her response is validating and personal to your share, then you have the go for another bit of sharing, then wait, same thing. Bit by bit so you don’t overwhelm a decent friend. And then when such a friend shares with you, reciprocate with attentiveness (best you can, never perfectly), validity, ask questions to understand better and tell her when you had too much and need a break. Goes both ways.

    anita

    July 24, 2016 at 10:45 am #110419
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey Anita, thanks for your this. It seems so strange to have to relearn how to form close bonds/friendships at my age, but I seem to have taken a few wrong turns along the way. I realized I can not turn to this friend for support. I was able to view our friendship from an outside lens and it is basically me gratifying her need for approval. I am also sorry for the late reply, I had a minor surgery day before and have been a little groggy and unable to focus due to pain meds (better now! 🙂 )

    July 24, 2016 at 2:45 pm #110430
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear greenshade:

    I am glad you are doing better following your minor surgery. Hope you fully recover. Regarding relearning- I am relearning too, and I am 55. I expect to continue to relearn and hope to continue to do so. This is why I am here on tiny Buddha, to learn/ relearn.

    No wonder we have to relearn: how can it be otherwise, I mean: what we were taught is often wrong, so what choice do we have but to … relearn?

    anita

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