- This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 4 months ago by Nekoshema.
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July 7, 2016 at 1:42 am #109057MonsterjulesParticipant
Hi everyone!
So this is the first time I write so please be patient as I pour my heart and my problem out there in the world and to your caring listening.So…
I have depression. I have been battling it for about 5 years now. And it is hard…I have come a long way since it strated. I am far away from spending weeks in my bed sleepoling and being drunk 80% of the time…
I have come a long way…
But here I am again. Everything started because I was really unhappy with the person I was becoming. I hated my university, the industry i was going to hand up in, the “friend” who undeminded me on a daily basis, my incapacity to have an intimate relationship with anyone…
So I decided to quit everything and start again… little did I know that was the beginning of my depression….
I have changed now. I am closer today of the person I want to be than 5 years ago… and it is hardwork… I moved of country. Came out. Construct a real circle of friends.
I have come a long way. It has been a just about 2 years that I got back to work. And that I am “functional”. Working full time.
But here I am again. I am not happy with the person I become. So I quit again. And I want to start again… but it is there again… the frustration, the pain, the depression. My emotion are taking over. Not letting me to work towards what I want.. it is like being paralised in place… dueling on everything… not having enough willpower to do what I need to do to move forward.
I want to start again.. but the task seems impossible. I want to start again but I dont know where to start.. how to start… how can I go back emotionally to a place where I can care for myself and not keep myself down?
July 7, 2016 at 5:27 am #109062NekoshemaParticipantsorry to hear about all of that. i had depression as a result of my anxiety [and 90% of my problems stemmed from hating my town, my job, and almost every aspect of my life] so i too moved [thankfully things are better with my depression, anxiety is still an occasional struggle] so i know the desire to just start over. thing is, why do you wish to hit the reset? while your first move sounds like a good one, this second move for you sounds more like running away. what do you hate about the person you feel you’re becoming? perhaps sit down with a pen and paper and write out everything you feel you’re becoming, why you don’t want to be like this, and ways you can turn it around. even if you move again, it’s a quick fix, you need to confront the pain.
if you’re not talking to a therapist i highly recommend doing so and they can help you work through your emotions [even if all you wish to do is vent and have someone quietly listen.] journalling, meditation, mindfulness and TinyBuddha all really helped for me. [you could also try affirmations and posting positive quotes around your home] also, healthy eating and exercise can be a great mood booster. the frustration and pain is a tough one to deal with alone, but i journalled and made lists, like what i want to do, where i want to go, who do i admire, what do i want to be, stuff like that along with random quotes, ideas and events. it might help you. good luck.
July 7, 2016 at 6:57 am #109068AnonymousGuestDear monsterjules:
Willpower alone will carry you only this far. What you learned in childhood, during those Formative Years, when your brain was forming, beliefs and emotions connected in the brain, these need to be examined, in psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist. These core beliefs, formed in childhood, are very powerful. The emotions carry valid messages that you need to hear, to become aware of.
Is it possible for you to attend competent therapy?
Would you like to share about your childhood, what you learned then, how you were treated then?
anita
July 7, 2016 at 11:42 am #109088MonsterjulesParticipantThank you for listening!
Yes it does feel like running away…
I am mostly unhappy about my work. And also by the lack of travel… I live to travel.
I also want to reset my emotional state… I am so overhelmed… and the frustation take over..
It is like I am putting myself in a not so great situation (almost bad..) and overwork myself to make it work until breaking point… and when I wake up I am purchasing a career and working, spending most of my time in something that does ressemble me at all…
And I am breaking so much that I feel like I need to restart… get myself out…
July 7, 2016 at 12:54 pm #109090AnonymousGuestDear monsterjules:
Unfortunately, there are no reset button in life followed by a perfect journey from that point on. You can reset yourself but there is a healing journey to take on, from that reset point to the next and then the next.
I think that what happened to you is that you Reset, Go and then when you encounter the same troubles as before, you want to Reset and Go again, thinking the next time after the Go will be trouble free.
Am I correct?
anita
July 7, 2016 at 3:18 pm #109095AuthorgirlParticipantI want to fast forward…just to see how it all turns out in the end. lol
July 8, 2016 at 2:06 am #109127MonsterjulesParticipantHi.
I dont think the new start will be trouble free .
But I do believe thatbit will be possible to start again in a job that I dont hate…
That the new job would at least not ask me 3h of commute a day. And pay me for all my hours. And where the first conversation in the morning is NOT how the sales were boosted bybthe death of a woman in her house… ( I work for a security/ alarm company…)I dont think those goals are unreachable…
I love my friend… but I have forgotten myself. As I gave up on my inner balance… balance soul-mind-body… I gave up on my hobbies that could make me happier.. I have let my health slipped on the bad side(food, activities) I stopped doing new thing… new gig… new night out… and stop meeting new people…
And I want to reset that. Change myself to the better…
July 8, 2016 at 8:01 am #109149AnonymousGuestDear monsterjules:
I would like to get to know you better. In your original post you wrote: “I have changed now. I am closer today of the person I want to be than 5 years ago…But here I am again. I am not happy with the person I become”
Can you tell me what about you have you been trying to change five years ago?
And who is this person you have become, the person you are not happy with?
In yet other words: what has it been all these years, and what is it about you that needs to be changed?
anita
July 15, 2016 at 3:06 am #109710AuthorgirlParticipant: ) It will get better
July 15, 2016 at 9:03 am #109737NekoshemaParticipantyou enjoy travel? perhaps look into a career that includes travel. writing for a travel magazine for example. i know how hard it is to pinpoint what you want to do when you’re stuck in something you hate, try making a list of things you like and dislike about the job you’re in. also research jobs that require travel [flight attendant, working on a cruise ship] see if any of them interest you, talk to people in that profession, see what types of requirements are needed and give it a try. to quote Up: adventure is out there! i would speak with a professional about your depression, but also try and figure out what work makes you happy.
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