HomeโForumsโEmotional MasteryโSenior in college and I can't stop making giant mistakes. How to cope better?
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skybarr.
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July 6, 2016 at 8:46 am #108957
Anonymous
GuestDear Robert Malecki:
To understand you further I am asking the following: what do your parents say to you about your “giant mistakes”? And while you were growing up, what did they communicate to you about making mistakes? Was it okay with them when you made mistakes or did they expect you to be perfect? Did they communicate to you that you are goofy from birth, unable to do things right?
anita
July 6, 2016 at 9:20 am #108966Robert M
ParticipantThat’s sort of a tricky question to be honest. I’d just like to clear up that in no way was it physical/verbal abuse or anything particularly close to it, and they aren’t particularly negative people at all, it’s just a tendency of theirs to constantly want to correct little things about my behavior in any way that parents as loving as they have always been should but so often and so bluntly that it comes off as slightly insulting when I’m trying to have an unrelated conversation. Related to the massive things that I’ve messed up recently like having to drop out of the one class I was trying to take over the summer, they’ve been really understanding that sometimes one can be so disorganized that it’s hard to manage trying to pull one’s life together and tackle a really hard class at the same time, so those aren’t really so much a concern with them as they are with me having trouble not ruminating on them. My parents haven’t really explicitly been treating me like I’m ‘goofy’, but that’s really just been more of a general consensus of most of the things I’ve been involved with like when I was on the rowing team last year (being the slowest rower that didn’t eventually quit and ultimately not making the team the following year despite being ridiculously close), and a ton of recurring jokes and nicknames about me from the summer camp that I’ve worked at for the last several years. I know this is something about myself that I should just try to embrace and enjoy who I am, but for some reason I just can’t stop being negative about the fact that this has been a recurring theme throughout most of the numerous things I’ve been involved with in my life. My parents have always told me that I’m the best and very capable, and that I put myself under too much pressure actually. It’s just most other people that communicate the other things.
July 6, 2016 at 9:57 am #108975Anonymous
GuestDear Robert Malecki:
Regarding your last post, you wrote about your parents: ” itโs just a tendency of theirs to constantly want to correct little things about my behavior…but so often and so bluntly that it comes off as slightly insulting when Iโm trying to have an unrelated conversation.”
Can you give me a few examples of this tendency of theirs? One or two examples from as long ago as you can remember, when you were the youngest? And a couple or more examples that are strongest in your memory?
anita
July 7, 2016 at 7:43 am #109072skybarr
ParticipantThis is not hard — I’m going to tell you how to solve this in a practical way. Your past doesn’t matter and no psychoanalysis is necessary. You don’t need to cope — you just need to fix this in a down-to-earth way.
First, go to the store and buy yourself some Post-It notes. You know, those little squares of paper that have a strip of adhesive on the back that you can stick anywhere.
Whenever something comes up that you need to remember, write it down on the post-it note and put it on your bathroom mirror. This means you will see it at least twice a day. Write something like “SUBMIT HOURS FOR JOB BY 9:00 AM FRIDAY!” and stick it on your mirror right smack-dab in your line of vision while you’re shaving or brushing your teeth. Put these notes on the dash of your car if this is a better place. Or in both places if needed.
Next — buy an actual calendar with squares that you can write in, even if it’s a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles calendar. Put it on the wall by the mirror in your bathroom. Keep a sharpie in a bathroom drawer. Write your reminders on the calendar as well, and check it every morning as you’re getting ready for the day.
Next — when your phone is working again, calendar your deadlines and set pop-up reminders and / or alarms.
Next — carry a small pad of paper and a pen in your backpack. If something comes up you need to remember or want to make note of, write it on the pad and review it every evening. You could, of course, also write yourself a note on your phone, but I believe actually handwriting on the pad might help you to remember better.
Next — if you can see a disaster potentially happening down the road if you don’t do such-and -such, take action to prevent it NOW. Don’t say, “Oh I’ll remember to fix that later.” Nope, prevent it now. For instance, when my children were small and there was a glass of water that was too close to them on the dining table, there was always the possibility that they would knock the glass over. But you don’t let it happen — you move the glass out of their reach NOW to avert disaster. You don’t just hope they won’t knock the glass over and you don’t hope you remember to do it later — you prevent disaster before it has a chance to happen.
Next — realize that things like a malfunctioning phone happen to everybody, and you just have to FIGURE IT OUT. Keep at it until you do.
The thing is, in life everything falls apart if you don’t keep on top of things. The people who don’t actively prevent their lives from falling apart become the failures. You’re obviously too smart for that, and I don’t want it to happen to you. I’m no organizational expert, but I guarantee you that if you’ll use the tools above your life will start to run much more smoothly.
Said with love, and with a sincere wish to help ๐
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