Dear kaner55:

You can make your wish come true, that is to re-wire your brain. It can be done but it takes much time and perseverance. Every time you learn something new, there is a new wiring in the brain, a new connection between neurons that wasn’t there before. If you learn something new that makes you doubt things you thought you knew as true, and then you evaluate those beliefs, forming – over time- new beliefs, that is a whole lot of re-wiring.

The trouble in your marriage is the shared responsibility of you and your wife. You are both contributing to it: she by criticizing you and at times looking down at you; and you by trying to avoid her criticism by maneuvering around possible landmines, like the landmine of having watched that movie already.

If any one of you takes all the responsibility for the trouble or gives the other all of it- then the trouble will not be resolved. Each one of you has to look at oneself, become honest with oneself and the other, learn new skills and communicate with each other using EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect.

Couple psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist can help the two of you learn better interpersonal skills: simply how to talk to each other. The therapist, like a teacher, can guide the two of you in effective communication right there as you practice it in her/ his office.

Would you like to share more about your relationship with the most influential woman in your life, your mother? It will be interesting for me to read about your wife’s relationship/ opinions about your mother and about your relationship with your mother.

anita