I read an earlier thread from a person who feels fraudulent and stressful as an artist. They described a condition in which they wish to be creative when doing mundane things, but feel scared/stressed/etc when wanting to be creative. This ‘wrong no matter what you do’ feeling is truly maddening and pervasive. Another user named Anita commented and noticed how the voice of his inner bully was causing lots of friction. I realized that my similar experiences point to an inner-critic and felt like reaching out to finally get help with this. I understand that being open and curious to our inner critic is the very way they lose their power, However, when I try to be mindful of my thoughts I find that they aren’t sentences or easy to observe. My thoughts are entirely vague, moving quickly in implications and pictures. It feels like a storm of nothingness, if that could possibly make sense. Like when you hear music leaking through the wall, you can tell the tune is upbeat but can’t make out the words or any instruments, or the melody even. But you can still hear it, it’s still there keeping you from being able to sleep, but not there enough for you to enjoy it.

So I did a test after reading Anita’s response and decided to do a writing exercise where I write down a statement that I would like to make about myself in black, and then in red tried to articulate all the reactions my inner critic responded with. I found that writing makes the thoughts less nebulous (though I fear, and this could just be my critic, that ‘writing my thoughts’ is really just me trying to make up what I THINK is going on, and not what is actually going on, and therefore a useless activity….but maybe that’s the inner critic trying to survive and convincing me to not write because it knows it can’t survive when I write? how can I be aware of so many layers of conflicting thoughts at once? am I just crazy?). Well anyway, here are two of my statements and two groups of reactions from my brain/inner critic.

1)
Statement: I am a designer/artist/creative
Response: You didn’t finish school; you don’t submit your work to be criticized and so it is untested. It’s untested because you already know they wouldn’t like it, you wouldn’t be able to handle the criticism, and even if you could, you wouldn’t be able to implement their feedback. Designers have forward thinking and challenging ideas, you just like things to look cute, which by the way, is only based off of what you see at Target. You have no actual personal style. You ride trend waves but don’t quite get it. You have no point of view. You’re another blond girl who thinks owning photoshop constitutes a design career. Design is real and you are just another one of the masses muddying the water. Your ideas and designs are surface level, as are your finished pieces. You can’t work through the creative process, and don’t even understand how to print the right color. If people were to test you on your knowledge they would see how little you know and how much you are in denial. You would lose your job for sure.

2)
Statement: I am okay as I am
Response: Spoken like a true born-white-supremacist who had the privilege to grow up in an environment that told you “IT’S OKAY TO BE ME!” while other cultures went on being heavily oppressed and degraded. No one cares about what another white girl is doing, and they certainly don’t care about what you think your ‘struggles’ are. What about all of the writing on this page? If you were okay would you always be trying so hard to fix yourself? Even when you’re trying to just “be in the moment” it’s just so you can escape the lack-of-happiness you feel every day. You’re selfish, cold, and don’t actually enjoy anything! You’ve identified with your mind for so long now that I don’t think anything could pull you out. You don’t know what’s real and will be trapped inside your head forever. You will not know what it’s like to be in the moment, you can’t understand your thoughts because they move in blurry images, it’s hopeless! Give it up, or rather, don’t, because this is what it is to be you. Not sad or broken enough to hit rock bottom, and just shy of being strong or smart enough to figure me out. You will always either feel superior and guilty, or inferior and shameful.

So let me hear what you all have to say on this inner critic stuff. I read another article on this site with a list of 40 things to help knock out your inner critic, but they all seem so surface level and ineffective. Is that my inner critic just keeping me away from healthy habits? The war wages on…