Thanks Anita and Brievuong

Yes I think emotional and even cognitively I have a more well rounded understanding of the situation.
Now what i am missing is someone who cares for me when I am distressed, and someone who shares my life when I want to share.
She definitely is not able to connect to me in such a way now.
i went to an outing that supposedly the two of us would join together. We arranged it months ago.
I did tell her that I planned to go on the previous day, I think it’s just impolite to go without telling. and she did say ‘see you soon’, but late at night she txted me and said she wasn’t ready to see me, and she would quit if I wanted to go. Apparently she thought for some time before sending me the txt

We did talk a bit via txt, but apparently she was not wishing to share anything emotion-wise. she did reply, but they are mainly just very plain messages. She is no longer that person that I found caring and putting me in the first place, or important. She just wanted no connection with me.

It’s interesting that I brought some souvenir from the outing, and in the end i didn’t give her. During the outing I kept thinking it would be nice if she was around, I kept imagining she would respond well if i talk to her or give her nice gifts, but on second thought, I know she would just act cold or even reject me. I don’t want to look like a fool.

I still enjoyed the event, and i didn’t mean to kick her out because of me joining,I did however, thought of what would happen if I really see her, I did have expectation to see her. So it’s a bit disappointing that we can’t see each other and have talk.

Last night I also had a dream, that she was crying and coming back to me, saying that she was just lost and she was trying to do everything the cycle. I think I wanted her to say she regret? May be just want to win her over? probably that’s not even love.

@Brievuong , I think I am disappointed at the fact that I wasn’t able to treat her well when I was dating her, I had always been very reluctant to connect with her emotionally and that definitely has hurt her. I wasn’t able to do so until a later stage, but when I was more ready she cheated on me, because she said she was very vulnerable and desperately needed someone to care for.
I am also disappointed that she cheated on me and left me in the end, while she promised to make amends and made things better.
Now I can see a bit more clearer, that she really was quite selfish in that sense.

Thanks all, appreciate your responds and help = )

Hi Anita

Thanks for the encouraging words. I do feel much stronger after a month of no contact, and thus i took my courage to decide that I will no longer escape the event because of her, and I did mentally prepare myself for her coming as well as not coming.
I think deep down I still had hopes that she would turn soft and gentle to me,and thus i was very friendly and was playful when i txted her, hoping she would at least be friendly or gentle. but that just doesn’t make sense. i mean, that doesn’t make sense until she really acts like so. As long as she is just sending me plain messages and still acts cool, all the things that i thought were just fantasies.

I have always known that challenges arise in a relationship, and I think true love doesn’t only mean you have strong care or feelings for that person, but it means those who stay with you at times of challenges, like if that person comes back after a million arguments and still want to reconcile with you, that is your true love. It’s always is the one who stays at times of stress, instead of the one who celebrates with you at times of happiness.
Love is a choice for me, that you choose to be with a person no matter what, but not act out of pure emotions. I chose to stay and tried to work with the relationship even after the cheating, i did. I am not perfect and I was very emotional after that, i accused her and said bad things that have hurt her, but she chose to leave in the end, because her emotional well being is also jeopardized because of how I reacted.
From her cheating, and her leaving me behind, I can say she is quite selfish, she didn’t consider how hurtful these two events could be to me. and yes Anita you are quite right, because If I were the one who made a stupid mistake by kissing my gf’s best friend, I would absolutely stop it from further going on,and would sort out one relationship at a time. I know how horrendous it can be to my partner, however dismissive and carefree that person is, at least we were committed.
And when i thought about that, I can see it very clearly.

Well i guess if it’s her telling, she would say I am too emotional and dismissive as a person to stay long term with. But I seem to care much less about, it’s her own perspective and her own projection.

Chau

hi anita
since the day of the outing we supposedly should go together, emotions are stirred up and this sadness of the two of them together finally hit me. i checked their online status,i probed my fd abt them, basically, i was imagining things again.
it was my fd bday earlier and i realized they both went missing from online for the whole night, which was unusal.
i stopped imagining she still loves me . i think the major sadness came from them being together,i was dealing and grieving with the lost of her and someone i love, no i am sad about them being two person that close to me betrayed me.
it seems that i have never really accepted it, probably because i dont have any concrete evidence of it. but i think, everything points to them being very close amd this time i try yo let my heart feel it, its was like what u said, my head knew it, but my mind didnt, and so i let me mind feels it, and its incredibly, incredibly painful.

i have this pain in my chest that is unlike last time, it feels so painful and real.

i am taking a short trip on my own and i decided to take whatsapp out of sight, it seems too painful to see.

i dunno how to deal with this pain other than let time passes.

hi anita,

i have been very timid as a child. and i alwaya have a fear of interacting with people in general, like my heart pumped so fast when i needed to talk to any adult that i am not familiar with. sometime my uncle whom i didnt really liked hugged me hard,i guessed as a child u didnt or couldnt really resist or refuse. but i remember how much i hated ppl crossing my boundary, and how much i resented that my parents did nothing to save me from this .
my parents have problems setting boundaries as well, my mother is overly caring and didnt really guide me to see what is right or wrong, she did respond to my sadness and emotions, but i didnt recall her telling me whats right and whats wrong. my dad on the other hand was very strict and i would even called him obsessed over tiny details. for example he would say the table that we had dinner on was very oily while it was perfectly fine in my eyes, he hated it when i as a child dropped a spoon of soup on the floor, i remembered he as a very harsh person, he did hit my brother when he was young, and i remebered if i refused to go out to breakfast with him on weekends, he made a fuss and would bang the door.
i think the betrayal came as well from one time when i was showering, my mom still thought i was child and wouldnt mind, and went into the bathroom while i was taking a shower, i recalled i saw my uncle out there who saw me. i felt offended , i was indeed a child but was about to go into a teen. and i knew something was wrong, yet i didnt know how to voice out, how to ask for an apology, how to stand up for something, and was so timid to confront.
i recalled growing up in these conflicting parenting styles,and i remebered how my privacy was violated by the parents whom should protect them instead.
i dunno how they are related and i dunno how it can help me with my current situation, but one thing hit me when i recalled this, the obsession and the anger that channeled out on my ex, was so uncontrollable that reminded me of how my father reacted at that time.

thanks anita , the message this time is long

chau