I was emotionally abusive and he cheated. Should we separate or stay together?

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This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 9 months ago by Nina Sakura.

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June 22, 2016 at 9:33 am #107945

Anonymous
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Dear soupydroopy:

Definitely better that the two of you separate completely. Reading your post, it seems that your relationship with him, once living together, went downhill and fast following your ongoing abuse of him. Since then the two of you created such a storm, that now it is too messy to fix it; too difficult and none of you is emotionally well enough to make it happen. Better to exit the storm.

My advice: complete separation. If you keep contact as anything, acquaintances, friends, boyfriend-girlfriend, you will continue to hurt each other and your individual healing will not be possible.

Since the storm started with your abuse of him, I would consider, if I was you, to forgive any financial debts you feel he has, any money he owes you and maybe help him a bit more to get on his feet in a life completely separate from yours- maybe a couple of months rent elsewhere- you figure it out, if you so choose.

But complete separation- that is my strong advice. And then, take on healing personally: therapy for the hurt you experienced as a child, the hurt that keeps coming up, needing to be acknowledged and processed. That, I believe, is the valid message behind the anger you described.

anita

June 24, 2016 at 11:40 am #108122

Soupy
Participant

Thank you Anita. However, I offered to pay for a place for him but he says he would not be able to afford groceries or anything.

I am lost on what to do. I really cannot afford my own place or another place, I offered to see what he would say but in reality it is great deal of money that I do not have.

Yesterday I got mad and blew at him because he wanted to go to the gym with me and my roommate but the night before I had said we should do a 30-day no contact and he made it sound like he had agreed. He ended up walking back home, and when I came home I discovered that he made dinner for us earlier. He said he did it because he was trying to re-establish our friendship.

He wrote me a letter and talked about how he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. But he’s said that before. I do not think he is capable of doing no contact with me. I tried before a few weeks ago and he just got upset I was ignoring him.

I just can’t handle the unfairness. This morning I cried about him being with another and having her photos on the wall in his room. I know he would not tolerate that with me. I think it’s very unfair he expects me to want to be his friend while he sees another, but said he wouldn’t want to be my friend if I dated someone else (even though I don’t want to).

What can I do? Do I try to be friendly, try ignoring him? This is so emotionally draining. I know I need to get help with my anger, I have a very bad temper and I, always trying to control things.

Thank you for your help.

June 24, 2016 at 4:06 pm #108150

Anonymous
Guest

Dear soupydroopy:

You wrote in your last post that you can’t afford your own place, did I understand correctly? But I thought he is not contributing financially to rent and such… so if you/ your family are paying the rent, why can’t you live without him? Maybe in a smaller place without him?

I read your last post and I am still very clear that this relationship is destructive for the two of you and should be terminated, each one of you going your separate way. This relationship is too broken and too messy to be repaired.

For one, the two of you will need individual and couple therapy for a long time. He will need to terminate his relationship with the other woman. This is to start. And why bother? The two of you do not have a child together (good!). The two of you are not married, never have been (good!). You do not have common property that ties you together.

My strong advice: Separate, either he moves out or you move out and the two of you live separately, cut contact and you move on with your life as he moves on with his life.

anita

June 24, 2016 at 6:18 pm #108158

Bethany Rosselit
Participant

Hi Soupydroopy,

What really got me was how much you attacked yourself in your original post. When you judge your actions like that, you lose out on the opportunity to really discover what is going on. You did what you did for a REASON. You were trying to get a need met. So ask yourself why you did and said those things. You are a good person. Let me repeat that: You are a good person. So your actions are not because you are inherently “bad.” Your mind needed something.

Whatever you decide to do with your relationship, you need to look inwardly first. Give your mind a chance to be heard–by you!–without judgment. Discover your reasons and patterns, and it might help your path to become more clear. This article that I wrote might actually help: http://www.onlinelifecoaching.info/blog/2015/7/8/overcome-your-fear-by-redefining-your-assumptions .

If you stay together, you need to open up communication. I could write a novel on strategies here, but the bottom line is that you need to have a frank discussion on WHY he cheated. I second Anita’s recommendation that you get some professional help to improve your communication styles and to break away from destructive patterns.

And, okay, his self-harm and suicidal tendencies need to be addressed. This is something that he NEEDS to get help with if you stay together, and you need to set some boundaries. For example, absolutely NO threats of suicide or self-harming during a fight. I know I’ve already put a link in here, but this might help as well (and rewriting it would be a novel!): http://archive.aweber.com/awlist3899232/M1Ra1/h/World_Suicide_Prevention_Day.htm

Well, hope that helps, and keep us posted! Most importantly, take care of yourself!

Bethany

June 24, 2016 at 8:28 pm #108164
Soupy
Participant
Anita: My family owns the home we live in. I do not think we would be able to sell it right away, and finding a new place would take time.

He cannot afford to pay for anything (he’s currently looking for a job) and he would probably be homeless if he moved out.

He is not willing to leave her.

I wrote him a letter tonight and left it in his room to see when he comes home. I said I cannot do this anymore and even though I don’t want to I can’t keep holding onto hope that he will want to be with me again when he keeps seeing her, so I said please do not contact me and that I wish we could separate from one another but neither of us have the finances to do so.

I expect that he will be upset about the letter. Last time I asked for no contact he came home and cut himself. 🙁

I have asked him to consider couples therapy, and offered to pay for individual therapy for him too, but he won’t do it.

Bethany:
One thing that upsets him a lot is when he asked why I did those things (inappropriate conversations with others) I say I don’t know. And the answer is truthfully I don’t know, I don’t understand why I did those things. He said if I actually had a reason he would probably feel a little better about it.

He’s already told me why he cheated. He felt like I was not emotionally supportive. He wanted affection from me that I wasn’t giving him. He didn’t feel like I loved him.

I cannot force him to get help. I’ve offered to pay for therapy for him but he refuses to go. He usually blames me when he cuts himself and says it’s my fault…

I really don’t know what to do anymore but we can’t keep going on like this.

Thank you both for your input.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Soupy.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Soupy.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Soupy.
June 24, 2016 at 8:42 pm #108170

Anonymous
Guest

Dear soupydroopy:

Since it is your family’s home where you live with him, then have him move out, evict him legally if needed. At this point your abuse of him is in the past and he may very well be manipulating you to take care of him while he is dating another woman and that may be the purpose of his cutting himself- cause you to feel guilty for your past abuse of him and make it work for him now.

Have him move out and end this painful situation for you. Be done with this.
anita

June 25, 2016 at 5:35 am #108177

Nina Sakura
Participant

Hi, I really think Anita is right about the whole him moving out thing – this relationship is not helping you at all, is it? You are unhappy, he needs to pick up his act and unfortunately that’s not your job. When it is required, people fight their way through circumstances and it’s time he did that too. I know you are guilty about what you did but letting him stay just because you cant let him go isnt healthy for both of you. He is responsible for his life and emotions like you are for yours. Work on healing yourself – this negativity in your life, is it really worth it?
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