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toxic inlaws help

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  • #107759
    Learning
    Participant

    This is in response to my earlier post about being bothered by someones judgement. I’ve been with my bf for over 10 years now, we are high school sweethearts and we have a little one together. My bfs family’s first grandchild. From the beginning I always felt disliked by his family. In particular his mom she would say things like to me like why doesn’t my son like this girl or this person, what does he see in you. Or when they moved she said to me I thought my son would find someone else but he stayed with you. All these comments she makes in stayed quiet because in didn’t know what to say and I didn’t want to be rude. When I became pregnant and I told them she said I feel sick to my stomach and she’s dissapointed that I’m having a boy and not a girl. When I was 6 to seven months along she said you know I feel a connection with my grandchild but i don’t feel one with you. We had several disagreements but these two stands out to me my bfs mom said only my son and my grandson is my blood you are another’s man’s daughter which is true. But those words cut deep because I felt like she was letting me know exactly where I stand. The other was when my son was about 4 months her daughter went to pick him up and she accidentally bumped his end on the end of the couch he started to cry I was in the other room I heard the bump but didn’t see what happend so I asked them and they said it was an accident which is fine shit happens. So later that day I noticed the daughter avoiding my son like what happened earlier scared her so she stayed away from him. I spoke to her and gave her a hug and said it’s ok what happend earlier it’s an accident and no one is upset at you so don’t feel any kind of way. A few weeks passed and she still was avoiding him so finally the mom said i don’t want her holding him and she said it was based on what happened and I told the mom I told her it was an accident and its ok. She asked her daughter if this was true and her daughter said no I never spoke to her. I was crushed. So in return she said she will be the judge as to when her daughter will hold my son again I said ok. She also holds me accountable in which words i choose when I speak to her. So i have to be very careful when I’m expressing my opinions and the words that I use. She looks down on me because my teeth is not straight she asked me why my parents never got that taken care of. Im not confrontation and i would rather just not and stay quiet. Now when it comes to my son I have no problem with him spending time by grandma or her treating him to whatever when he goes there I ask no questions, I trust her and I know it’s important for her to have that bond with him. I’m also lucky them in my life as they love and accept my son. Im jumping all over the place here im sorry. Granted I was very young when I met him I was 14 and he was 17. I’ve only been with him he was my first everything. So at 14 I didn’t know who I was I’m still learning about myself and o felt judged and still do. We have some bad blood between us. I understand now that we may never have a close relationship and I accept that, but even when I try to distance myself from them I still end up being like the bad guy. When my son was born we lived with my in laws for a while and they helped tremendously which I’m so greatful I repeatedly told them thank you for everything they did. But I feel like she doesn’t see me as capable of raising my son with comments like I need to live near by grandson to be sure he’s raised right. Or her saying that I’ll keep him away from them which I one thing I will never do and hurts that she thinks I’m like that. I’ve never denied my son from seeing them or speaking to them over the phone so why would she feel that way? When I call them because my son askes to speak to them they won’t answer the phone or call back. And when they do call back days later I’ll say to them hey I called a few days ago they’ll say I dunno what happened. I feel uncomfortable like she’s pretending to like me just to put up with me because her son chose me. Till this day she says to me she doesnt see her son staying with me. When we first met she said this 10 years later shes still saying it. I do not discuss this with my bf and im not going to i do not want to cause problems between them. This is her only son and she has 3 daughters. Before I use to share things with her I would open up to her just so we can form some sort of connection but it didn’t work so I stopped sharing things with her and I choose to stay to myself. Im not close with my family i dont have a close realtionship with my mom and it was something i seeked in my bfs mom because i found her to be so loving and caring. I admire her dispite our misunderstanding. And I want her to have a relationship with her son and grandson even if we don’t a bond I have accept that. I never know what to expect from her or what are the right words to say when she askes me questions. I feel so alone. Help how do I deal with her?

    #107762
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear learningeveryday:

    You wrote above: ” I admire her (mother in law) dispite our misunderstanding.”

    What you have with the mother in law is not a misunderstanding but abuse: she has been and still is abusing you. She sends you the hurtful message again and again: I don’t like you. You are not good enough for my son. You are worthless, etc. When she gives you these messages in all the ways she is, she is meaning to hurt you. She wants you hurt. There is no misunderstanding on her part. The misunderstanding is on your part. Here it is: you have a woman, this mother in law, who wants to hurt you, this is her intent.

    So, what I would do if I was you is to have no contact with her. I would tell my husband that I must keep this woman, who WANTS to hurt me and uses every opportunity to do so, out of my life. If the mother in law wants to see her grandchild, maybe your husband can bring the grandchild to her for a visit so you never get to see the mother in law. Do not allow her in your home. If this leads to the grandmother not seeing your son at all- well be it. It is the consequence of her choice to abuse you.

    When you protect yourself from someone who is rude and cruel to you, it is not you being rude to her. It is you doing the right thing: protecting yourself from her rudeness, her cruelty, her abuse.

    Also: Your mother in law, acting this way toward you means she is a cruel person, this is who she is. No way can she be as positive in your son’s life as you think she is.

    anita

    #107798
    Decima
    Participant

    Hi there. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your MIL sounds exactly like mine, so I understand exactly how you are feeling. Wish I could tell you things will get better, but it is very unlikely. This woman is abusing you on purpose. She knows exactly what she is doing. Most likely it comes from deep rooted insecurity and a narcissistic personality.

    I’ve been through 8 years of this myself. I knew that my MIL was trying to hurt me on purpose and she succeeded on many occasions. I didn’t want to say anything because because I didn’t want to rock the boat and cause trouble. On the odd occasion that I did say something She would just use it to play the victim. I realize that there was no conversation or understanding that could be reached with her because she didn’t want to have a relationship with me. Everything I tried to do was in vain. I’m constantly amazed at just how horrible she could be.

    My husband didn’t want to deal with the situation for a long time…he just made excuses for her behavior, until one day her behavior was so bad even he couldn’t ignore it. I refused to see her for a long time, and my husband severely reduced his contact with her too. I allowed him to take our son to visit with her, but I only did this grudgingly. I do see her again now and then, but the dynamic has changed and she knows that she no longer has the power over me that she used to. A big reason for this is that my husband really stepped up and made it clear that me and our child are his priority. This has been a very difficult process for him as she really puts him through the grinder if he tries to stand up for himself. i don’t think I could have stayed in the marriage if he had not done this.

    Is there any chance your boyfriend will do the same for you? It is the only scenario in which you may be able to maintain a basic acquaintance with her. Understand this, she will never change. Even if she starts to be nice, don’t buy into it. People like this are truly toxic and only waiting to lull you into a false sense of security before going for the jugular again. You have to find a way to protect yourself from her. Start by seeing her for what she truly is, and giving yourself permission to protect yourself from her.

    You say that you don’t want to say anything to your boyfriend, but maybe it’s time to sit him down and explain how devastating his mother’s behavior is to you, and how much it is impacting you. Don’t be accusatory, stay calm and approach him in a living manner. If you feel the need to cry when talking to him, let the tears come, let him see how hurt you really are. Tell him that you love him and have tried for a long time to protect him but now you need his help. You might be surprised by the reaction you get. He might know deep inside what us happening isn’t right, but just doesn’t want to deal with it. On the other hand, he might just shut down and refuse to understand. Be prepared for this if you do choose to talk to him. If that happens, there is not much you can do. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

    Your priority has to be to protect yourself.

    I truly hope that things improve for you. You sound like such a sweet person. I’m sorry that you don’t have your own mom’s support, but know that there are women everywhere who understand and are rooting for you.

    #386608
    Soraia
    Participant

    So many have spoken on the circumstances that your in , so i wont go further except to say –

    Are you financially independent ?

    Do you have friends, and or people around you who can respect your privacy and offer Compassionate company and connection during this difficult time for you

    Have you spent some solo time thinking about your decisions moving forward

    Guilt is a big player here – but you are a Worthy woman and the Mother who gave birth to her son , no mother in law should be controlling or giving you Your value.

    Reach out for support with people around you you can trust

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