Dear Rainbowmystica,

Wow, I can relate so much to your post and the title.
In the title you write that you hate yourself for being happy, and when I read your post, I wonder, are you happy? Because you are hiding so much to others, it seems that you have difficulty accepting yourself as you are, or you are doing a lot of effort to make a good impression on others, to gain their approval or acceptance. Do you feel that you are happy? Sorry if I ask this very directly, it is a question that came up in my mind, so I was wondering how you feel about that.

You are hiding yourself, or parts of yourself, like you say yourself, to seem more relatable to others. But you don’t become more relatable to others, because you are not fully there in the contact, and you are always focussing at least a part of your attention on how you come across, how they might perceive you, what they might think of you. And you get more distanced from yourself over time, because you focus so much on how to come across on others. I don’t know if you relate to that, that is how I feel anyway.

Do you accept yourself, that you are a lesbian, or with the things that you are still hiding? Do you really feel that you are ok, just the way you are, no matter what it is, even if some things are different than the ‘norm’, or the ‘average population’? Or is there some feeling in you, that you need the approval of others in order to feel good about yourself? That it is risky to show yourself as you are because they might reject you?

You say you are angry with your mum, but maybe more angry with yourself.
Could it help to start looking at it in a different way. Why being angry? Why not look at yourself, and your mum, with understanding. There were reasons why you were hiding until now. Could you look at yourself, with compassion, and be nice to yourself. First of all, you did come out now, and it was obvious a difficult thing, so that is really brave, you can be proud of yourself for that. You could still be waiting now to come out, but you did. The fact that you waited until now, meant that you were only ready now, for whatever reason. Being angry with yourself is not going to help you to accept yourself, and to feel better inside of yourself. Looking at yourself with kindness, is, in my opinion (but who am I to know anything 😉 ) the only way to come to real authenticity and honesty.

Take care, and well done for writing your first forumpost about it. That was a good step in opening up towards other people, probably in an easier way than in real life with people you know.

Dear Rainbowmystica:

Maybe it is your anger at your mother that is blocking you. Maybe you are afraid of losing her if you explore this anger further. Share more about it here, if you’d like. If you do and if you, as a result, feel some sense of being unblocked, some release, that would indicate that it’s the right thing for you to do and to process further.

anita

Dear rainbowmystica:

You were most likely rejected by your mother many, many times when you were a child and growing up. And all through that time, she probably fed you well and bought you things and sometimes was loving-like. So you got mixed messages that confused you then and confuse you now.

This is how I can tell if a child (of any age)is loved by the parent: if the child/ adult child is mentally well. I look at the results of the parenthood.

If you look back you can probably come up with example after example of how your mother rejected you, before and independently (having nothing to do with) your sexual orientation. Can you come up with examples and share them here?

anita

Dear rainbowmystica:

Double posting. And what are her very high standards…?

anita

Dear Rainbowmystica:

Your mother said she holds herself to high standards and you worry she holds you to the same standards, but you don’t know what those standards are. I assure you that if she told me what her standards were, that you would have done your best to meet those standards. I assure you of that because there is nothing a child wants more than to be approved of by the parent/s.

Her standards are not getting up before the middle of the day; not working and brining in money; not cleaning the home; not allowing you to pick up your clothes – as an adult, not being a good mother… so I too don’t know what her high standards can possibly be.

Your mother abused you as a young child and otherwise she has been a very lacking mother. The lack was not who you were or are, but who she has been.

The two year therapy you attended so far, was that just you and the therapist or does your mother have knowledge from the therapist about what is happening during therapy? Did you discuss your mother in therapy and what became of it?

anita

The two

Dear rainbowmystica:

Maybe your father can help you move out and live on your own. Maybe he can manage the bills involved, nothing fancy, just a place comfortable enough for you, so that you can get better.

There is no doubt in my mind that your mother has been … well, bad news for you. It is too bad. But she made it so, not you. You did all you could to be a good daughter, so much so that you sacrifice yourself so to not hurt her feelings, keeping yourself blocked and unwell so to not hurt her feelings. On the other hand, she hurt your feelings plenty of times, again and again for years.

You did nothing wrong to her. She did plenty of wrong to you. You do deserve to heal and be as happy as you can be, and not to hate yourself (title of your thread). Your therapy cannot be helpful to you unless you express your anger at your mother and the hurt underneath. What you say to your therapist about your mother should be confidential. It has to be so that you will feel safe telling it like it is to your therapist.

No wonder you don’t feel real, if you don’t express your true feelings even to your therapist. I am glad you posted here and please do post for as long as you want and I will reply very time.

The psychiatric diagnosis you mentioned, you were not born with it. You were born as healthy as any other baby. But then, a baby and a young child has to have a good-enough mother to develop healthily, to not get sick. You were injured by your mother and so, there it is possible for you to heal from those injuries.

But little healing can be done while you live with her. I sure hope your father (since you said there is money in the family) can pay for you to move out before you get a job and independently of you getting a job, for the purpose of you having confidential (!) therapy, maybe with a new therapist, if you can’t trust this one to be confidential. What you say in therapy has to stay in therapy. Therapists will lose their jobs if they don’t keep the confidentiality of their patients.

anita

Dear Rainbowmystica:

You are welcome, and please do post here, on your own thread, anytime and I will be glad to respond.

I am glad you trust your therapist, who is obligated by law to keep what you tell her confidential. It is not going to be easy, healing and it wasn’t easy for me. But nature heals itself all the time and it is part of us, this natural ability to heal. Only we need help and must be patient with the process, gentle with ourselves.

Please remind yourself when you forget (and I am here to remind you, post when you need a reminder)- that your mother injured you, not the other way around. Remind yourself that it is your job to attend to your healing and to no longer sacrifice yourself in fear of hurting your mother’s feelings.

Be faithful to yourself, to your right and responsibility to attend to your own healing. Be your number one, please!

anita