This is something that has been bothering me since a while, and it seems difficult to change it. Even though, I already have the feeling that it is silly to write it here, that it sounds ridiculous, I guess that is what I always think: whatever I say is silly. I think it would be good to write anyway, even though people might think that I am a complete idiot or whiner (if you think that, i would appreciate if you say so actually).

I would like to be much more informed about the world, about what is going on, in differenth areas, in different places, and also understand it more in depth. So, I need to read more newspapers, or magazines, or watch it on the internet, or on TV (which I don’t have, so that’s harder). I find it quite important to know and to understand what’s going on in the world. Now I feel like I’m living on a tiny island, cut off from many things around me. And also, to be able to have more conversations with people. Now I feel like a stupid, not knowing what is going on around me. First of all, just to say, I know there are more people who don’t read newspapers because they don’t want to or find it too stressful or whatever reason, and I don’t want to critisize them or comment on them in anyway. For me, I find it a problem, because I actually would like to know more.

But, I don’t do that. I don’t read newspapers, when I buy them, they usually end up being unread, piling up in my room (or tent, at the moment 😉 ) taking up space, waiting for the Magical Day that I will have loads of time to read them all. until I decide that I need to clean up, and throw many of them away. Never bee read.

So I actually don’t even know much about what’s going on in the world. Which I find really embarassing. When people try to talk to me, I don’t know what to say. When I try to make conversations with people, I tend to be very careful, not to let the conversation come onto any subject that might show how ignorant I am. I often am very silent, because there is so much that I can’t talk about. Today I said to an other guest in the hostel, that I want to read the news more but don’t get around to do it. We were having a short conversation, where Trump entered briefly, and then he told me that we have much bigger problems in Europa, so I had to ask him ‘like what’, and he told me something briefly about Erdogan in Turkey. I have no idea, so I could just listen and ask a few silly questions.
But I find it really difficult to engage in conversations, because I don’t know what to say, and I feel I always look like a very ignorant person.
I don’t know how to deal with that. Conversations might actually be a good way to learn more about the world, but I tend to run away from them because of the shame. It feels a bit silly to say each time I talk with somebody, that I don’t read much newspapers and want to, but don’t get around to it.

I am discovering that I do a lot of self-sabotaging, in different way, and maybe quite deeply. I just mentioned in an other post, how I liked a guy at my previous job so much, and always ran away from him, always telling myself that I was not worth to talk to him, that he don’t want to talk to me and that he (like everyone else) just wants me out of the way.
And many other things.
This with the newspaper seems to me something like the voice inside that is telling me that I don’t have the right to be well-informed, because I would be too ‘mature’, too intelligent. A silly little thing like me, cannot be intelligent. I actually think I am a fairly intelligent person, and my mind is able to understand a lot, but if you don’t feed your mind, and keep telling yourself that you are stupid, you can actually make yourself stupid.

Because of not reading the newspapers for so long, working in a job that is very repetitive and doesn’t require much thinking, and because of emotional overload (also having been obsessed with a man for so long), I am finding it very hard to read newspapers, it takes me a long time to read even one article. I read a few sentences and i zone out. I read a sentence, and the next sentence I have already forgotten the name they were mentioning in the previous sentence. This worries me actually. About the capacity of my mind, if I am getting unable to even read a news article, let alone a book?
I should do more effort to read, and maybe train my mind back to more action. This might be one of the most important things to do right now, because the well-functioning of the mind is acutally important. Being able to deal with information, not only being able to observe my own thoughts, and replace the negative thoughts with more positive or kind ones.

It is not only about the newspapers, though. There are so many things that I don’t know how to talk about, because I don’t read much, or I haven’t done much, or haven’t seen much movies. I think that is a big factor to cause me being so shy, insecure and afraid of being around people. To get someone starting to talk with me, or me trying to say something, and look like a fool.
For so long, I have been putting up a big facade of a silly clown, to keep people away, maybe trying to get somebody laughing, to get a little bit of attention, to give myself the illusion that I am actually funny. I am quite used in saying silly things, in a silly tone, with a silly kind of body-language, acting like a child actually. I don’t take myself seriously.
And I think this is a big part in why I don’t dare to make friends, or to initiate contact with a man. Because there are so many things that I don’t know, and I guess that I have a big fear in me, that when we spend more time together, and they want to have more serious conversations, I can not hide anymore, and they will see very obvious how ignorant I am, and not wanting to spend time with me.

I have spend quite a lot of time, analysing myself, understanding myself, thinking about it… A lot of time. And therapists and similar people often tell me that they are impressed, that I have so many insights, and that I should give myself credit for that. Yes, that is good, I admit that, and it is important because it will help me, and is helping me, to change things about what I am struggling with. But, life is more than just staring at my own bellybutton, and my own mind.

Even though, if I do much more effort from now on, to read the newspaper, and even if (hopefully), after a while my mind will get used to reading again, and it will go easier and I will take on information easier again. Then there is still so many things that I don’t know, that I have missed, I am feeling a little bit desperate about it, how am I going to fill this gap, how am I ever going to ‘catch up’, going to be good enough to have a conversation.
It is all good to say ‘yes you are a beautiful person and you have a lot of good qualities and you are worth to be here and to be loved’, but I think you also need to have something to say, be able to talk about some things, or you get really boring.

I don’t know. It is bothering me a lot.
If anyone has any thoughts or ideas, would be very welcome.