I wanted to share my story, it’s a long one and it will not be done in this post. We are still together and after counseling and working with each other, I feel that we actually have a better relationship then before the affair. Again this is a long story, I start from when I discovered the affair and what transpired the following 7 or so months. This post does not have the conclusion details but it gets the ball rolling.

So this is how this all started, it has taken me almost a year to come to terms with what happened. My wife’s affair with one of my best friends both destroyed my marriage and my perception of life and my friends in general. Now to set the premise for this story, our marriage was not the best before this all happened. We were drifting apart, but I lost control the relationship and did not know how to take it back and thus, we just drifted. From a relationship standpoint, I take responsibility for it deteriorating, but as far as the affair goes, I take NO responsibility what so ever! That is all on her. Keep in mind that for the past few years I did have friends and family approach me and were not happy with the way she talked and treated me, but I just acknowledged it and moved on. I put her up on a pedestal because that is what a good husband does, and in essence I created the ‘perfect storm’

It all started with the stupid text messages, little sexual innuendo there, little sexual innuendo here. I saw the messages and they were getting a little out of hand. I then confronted her on them and she got all nasty and I was told that I was over-reacting, and of course an argument ensued. The messages continued, and I got angrier, but kept it all in. Then I put things in place to protect myself. The day I was driven to the dealership to pick my car up from service was the day, I felt there was something going on and he was acting all weird. So after he dropped me off at my house, I waited a bit and drover over to my wife office, and there they were in her office, bam! caught. I was infuriated, my anger was taking over. Those that know me, know that I can just snap when the situation calls for it, but somehow I held my control.

Now also keep in mind that this person and his family were like family, we knew each other for some 7-8 years and referred to me as his brother to his family and friends. So the ties were extremely close, daughters, sons, son-in laws, grandkids, you get the picture, and he was married. So back to catching them in the act, I immediately started yelling, I went to go hit him, but my wife was screaming to not hit him and was constantly saying “you are never around, you were never there” over and over. I put my fist through the door twice instead of hitting him. I think I had a flash of clarity in my head for that brief second and figured I would hit him and not stop and would go to jail and lose seeing my daughter (we have a 13 year old). So in this moment of anger and clarity I hit the door, which looking back was probably the smart thing. So after things simmer down a bit, I am still all wound up and torn up inside, he runs out of the office and calls his wife (I know, moron) and tells her that I caught him and my wife kissing and I was very upset. I was like you did fucking what!?!?! So, also keep in mind that my wife was short handed at her office, and he is retired and 10 years older than her, so he was helping her our around the office. Yeh, I know prime scenario for something to happen. So it is pouring rain outside, I am beside myself and somehow I get coerced into making sure his wife does not find out. Looking back, I must have been out of my fucking mind or in a state of shock. So, we all bullshit for a bit, and calm down. I send my wife home to our house and I drive him home. First my wife said he was taking him home, and I nearly lit up again and said not fucking way. So I drove the coward home, wanting to stop and beat the ever loving shit out him, but I didn’t. That drive home from his house to my house had to have been the longest 15 minute drive of my life. My entire 15 year marriage just went up in smoke, what I thought was real, was not real anymore.

So I get home and my wife is crying on the deck, I am crying, my daughter is home and we are both a mess. This around end of May 2015 time frame. We talk and talk, we agree to go to counseling and try and work things out. That night, I am a mess, fucking losing it and can’t get my shit together. This goes on for a few more days, and keep in mind that when she goes to work, he is still helping her out at the office and in three days I have to fly to Indiana for work. So I put things in place, I figured I am leaving for a week and these two assholes just got caught having an affair and I don’t think they are going to stop. So I hire a PI and bug my house and her office, and I am and have been tracking all text messages to and from her phone and I am also tracking her phone via remote gps.

So I fly to Indiana, that Monday I call her and ask her where she is, she tells me she is shopping at target or something. While I am talking to her, I can see that she is at his house. So I start to lose it, I am hundreds of miles away, she is lying to me and I know she is at his house. So I ask her again, and she lies to me. I then hack into his house cameras, since I put them in for him, I know the passwords so it was not technically hacking. I then see him in his kitchen and her at the table, he has no shirt on and they are drinking wine in the afternoon. Well, I start to lose it again, crying, shaking, felt like a nervous breakdown coming on. I confront her and tell her I know where she is, she tries to lie and I tell her I see her on camera, that I logged into his camera and that I can see them both. So now she is caught twice!! Well, that somehow backfires on me, she is losing it, crying, saying she hates me and how can I do such a thing by tracking her. He has the fucking balls to text her, I found out later on that he was a little upset that I hacked into his cameras because he trusted me when I put them in for him. (Wow, see, fucking crazy man he is). So this is Monday, I am in Indiana, she is home and I am trying to work. I call that night or Tues, can’t quite remember and try and talk. Well another day goes by, and I am even more miserable, I haven’t eaten in days, just drinking water and I think pretzels at the time. I call her on Thursday, I just had a bad feeling, she was cold and calloused to me on the phone. After the phone call, I felt like something was wrong, well a few hours later I get the recordings from the bugs in the house. I hear a conversation between the two of them where she is causing me of fooling around with someone, she is yelling “I know he fucked around, I know he did”, and this idiot is saying to her, define fucked around, what do you mean?!? really..next audio stream is them having sex in my bedroom.

I am at work, I hear this recording and fall off my chair, co workers ask if I am ok, I am thinking I need to hold it together and get out of the office and to the corp apartment where I am staying before I fucking go crazy and lose it. On the drive to the apartment, I almost hit like three cars, I am crying, hyperventilating, and fucking just losing it. I call his cell phone, and left a scathing threatening message, that I was going to fucking kill him when I get back home, that I knew exactly what they were doing at that exact moment. I finally get to the apartment and go upstairs to the bedroom and collapse on the floor, I think I passed out, can’t quite remember. On the drive back to the apartment, I called my good friend that I work with and briefly told him what is going on and that I am in bad shape, his wife talks with me all the way to the apartment. Now at this point, I feel like my entire life is shit, and I am away from home, I lost my wife of 15 years and I may lose my job because I can’t get it together. So while laying on the floor, I proceed to put my belt around my neck and start to pull it tight while I have his wife not the phone. All she hears is coughing and gagging, I am crying and she is trying to calm me down. Her husband was in Indiana with me, and he was trying to get to the apartment from downtown. We were on the phone for quite a while, I ended up removing the belt from my neck while I was talking to her. My other good friend John showed up, and my other friend Jim shortly followed. Now while this was going on, they hear my message, they are in shock on how I could know, and my wife starts to call my phone looking for me, she is checking credit cards. At this point she thinks something is very wrong and something bad is happening. She proceeds to call my co-workers asking if they seen me, most of them said no. Well this went on for a while, and my friend finally told her that he knew where I was and that I was ok. They stayed with me for a while in that apartment and helped me get my head straight. I was supposed to stay the weekend for training, but I knew I needed to go home, there was no way I could stay away from home any longer, it was just too painful. So I booked a flight for the next day and flew home Friday morning, telling my manager that there was a death in the family and that I had to go.

When I was flying home that friday, my wife was actually scared to see me, she was that afraid. I guess I must have sounded pretty angry on the phone. Now keep in mind, that in the 15 years of marriage I have never once raised a hand to her or anyone in my family. So I was not sure where this was coming from. I talked to her when I landed and I said I would meet her in a public place if she wanted. She had my daughter over at the neighbors playing with her friends and she had no idea that I was home early. We talked some more and we agreed I would meet her at home, she said she felt safe. When I got home it was surreal, I felt like I was in a strangers’ house. I unpacked my bags and sat in the bedroom and just balled my eyes out, knowing that they were in there the night before, just tore me up. I was putting dirty clothes in the hamper from my luggage and I noticed her black lacey underwear and bra I like her to wear laying there right on top of the clothes, which pretty much indicates what she wore the night before. My knees became weak and I just buckled to the floor, again sobbing like a fool. When she got home, we talked, and talked. I cannot lie, it was surreal and awkward. I asked her about the night before and she denied it, said they weren’t together. At this time, I was not ready to admin how I knew they were together, I needed some time. But the fact that the outright denied it killed me even more.

Now what ensued for the next seven months (June-December) is basically what I describe as living in hell and purgatory at the same time and being poked with a stick to push you back and forth. After some additional conversations, we, I mean she felt is was in our best interest for me to learn to forgive and try and remain friends with them so his wife does not find out and all goes to shit. I honestly did not know how I was going to do it, but at that time, in my head if I did not do this she was going to leave, and I just could not handle that at the moment. I was basically numb and on autopilot with brief bouts of fits of rage throughout those seven months. We fought and fought through out this time period like we never did in our 15 years of marriage. She kept bringing up when we had a foursome with another guy friend of ours and a girl that was also close to the family but was single. We experimented that one time, but she through the fact that I slept with her in my face and that it was fair what she did. I tried to see her point of view, but I just couldn’t, the four of agreed on that scenario, it was known, no secrets, it happened and it was over, nothing ever was pursued. Either way, she through that in my face for a while and after the first couple of months I fucking had and would argue my point and we were done.

The next few months were going out to dinner with them, while I was hopped up on xanax and would drink as much alcohol where ever we were to try and stay calm. To this day I don’t know what stopped me from reaching over the table and ripping his throat out and beating the ever loving shit out of him. It had to be the drugs and drinking. I was even forced to go over their house on fathers day, it was fucking hell. I began sneaking the xanax and night to try and help me sleep, and calm my nerves so I could eat. I had a hard time eating, did not want to go to the gym anymore (I love working out usually), I quit the band I was playing, stopped calling my friends, stopped going out and doing things for myself, I basically shutdown. This was going to be the rest of my life if I wanted to keep m family together, I had to deal with this and learn to live with this person and his family in my life. It was truly painful, I can’t express into words the amount of torment I was going through every time we would all get together.

I eventually sat down with him at a starbucks and talked some thing out with him, I think at that time I wanted the fighting to stop between my wife and I and the only way was to reconcile and pretend that this shit never happened. After talking to this asshole, I tricked him into admitting they were together that thursday in my house. I then talked to my wife later on that day and asked her about it, and she denied it again. I then asked her again and told her that he told me what happened. She finally admitted it and asked how I knew, and I told her I hired a PI and bugged the house before I went to Indiana. Man, she was pissed and I told her you gave me no other alternative, I told her flat out that I don’t trust her anymore. Time went on, we still fought and argued, we were in counseling, but it was fucking useless. We were in there to try and help me reconcile and be friends with them so his wife won’t find out. This went on throughout the summer and all the way through thanksgiving. Not too mention there were still innuendo like text message going back and forth between them. When I confronted her on them, she denied it, even showed me her phone, but I already had the messages and was able to see she deleted the other ones I was referring to, but I did not let on that I was tracking these.

One night, I couldn’t take the pain and anguish any more and I wrote a long letter pleading with her to let them go and not have them in our lives anymore that this was killing me and I could not do this anymore. It was a long letter, I will attach it to this. I dropped the letter off at her office so she can read it before she got home. When she got home that evening, I asked her if she read it and she was a raging bitch from hell, calling me a liar that I said I would make this work and I was not trying, and a bunch of other shit. She was basically in major major denial and I was slowly getting myself back and getting more and more intolerant of the current situation. She turned around and told me that she was not good for me and that I should not be with her, this tore me up that night. I was hoping for sure that the letter would make her see what was going on and how much this was hurting me, but no. She was only concerned with covering it up and protected her and him.

So now December is coming around and we were planning on throwing a big 13th birthday party for my daughter. We were renting a big tent to attach to the side of the garage, I was having a live band, my friends band play the party. I was starting to have major anxiety attacks as the date got closer because they were going to come over the house, and the last time that piece of shit was in my house was when they fucked in my bedroom and I could not have it and did not want them in my house. So I pleaded with her one afternoon after she asked me what was wrong, I said flat out, I don’t want him in the house, I don’t want him to come to the party. If you need to hide it, then tell him to play sick and not come and if their kids and wife wants to come that is fine, but I did not want him in this house. Well that prompted a huge fight, I mean huge. I had to take my daughter to a party and she is on the phone calling her girlfriends looking for a place to stay for a while, she wanted to move out. I see what is going on via text messages and I rush home all distraught and she is gone. So now here I am at home with my daughter, I am losing it again, in front of her, she has no idea what is going on and I am trying to keep it all together. I send her over to the neighbors house, and the neighbors wife comes over to console and help me out. Kris comes back that evening and is all angry and pissy and I pleaded my case and asked her to tell him not to come. I told her that I would call and tell him, but she snapped right back at me and said no, don’t he will think that you hate him and we can’t be friends anymore. I snapped back and said I do hate him, I wish he was dead at this moment.

The next night I asked her is she told him, she said no, I was done at that moment. I did not talk to her for the rest of the evening and slept upstairs which I have never done in the 15 years we were married. The next morning, I showered and got my coffee, did nothing for her, did not speak to her. She grabs her stuff and leaves the house 45 minutes earlier than she usually does. About 15 minutes later, I get a text from her that she checked herself in the hospital for chest pain, but not to worry she is fine. I am like you have to be fucking kidding me now with this shit. Now, I have an appt that morning with a new counselor because the first one that was helping me through all this was telling me to leave her and that this situation is not going to be healthy, little did I know then that she was 100% right. So I do not want to miss this appt, I need to so desperately talk to someone. I go to the hospital to check on her, she is down right nasty to me and saying I am only there because I feel sorry for her. I correct her, I state that I am still her husband, I still love her and I came there to make sure she was ok. I left her there to go to my counselor session, my neighbor said she would stay with her to make sure things are ok. I walked into the counselor office and started to regurgitate all this shit again and I just collapse on her floor shaking and crying, just losing it because of all this shit. She helped me allot that day. I took the day off from work and went home after the session. My wife was still with my neighbor and she texted me and told me she was ok that they were out getting a little food in her. When she came home, we both laid down in bed and just cried and cried.

So now its December, christmas time. She is shopping online for stuff and mentions that she was going to get their grandkids something. That’s when I lost it on her. I remember standing up in the living room and blasting her and telling her I fucking had it and we are not going their for christmas, we are not buying them presents, that this needs to end now. I explained to her how we are the ones suffering through all this while that piece of shit gets off scott free with no worries. See, he knew as long as I was in the state I was in, that my wife could keep me in check and not have his wife find out. So this blow up prompted her to call her family in PA and now we were driving up to PA for christmas. That was the avoidance, since we were not home that was a solid reason for not going over their for christmas, so nothing looked suspicious. We go up to PA, and I am having anxiety attacks there because back in May we had her parents 50th anniversary party and I realized now that they were screwing around back then with the way they were acting with each other and how he flew down the stairs when I was walking up them one afternoon. But my wife did not know that I knew that.

We come back home from PA and we are both at work. I was digging through some old files and found the text messages I was tracking. I then found all the texts that went between them back to march/april/may, which lead up the the end of may when she got caught. I read through all of them, which enraged me. I then printed out 124 pages of text messages and presented them to my wife at her office and told her we were over and I that I wanted a divorce. After that I was driving home, and lost it, and ended up at a very close friend’s (we call her Nanny, she is like my second mom) house and just broke down. I was so angry at her, not just for the messages but for pushing me to this breaking point, the point where I had to say I was going to leave her. Later on that evening I took my daughter to her guitar lesson and got some more texts from my wife, which were turning things around, it was bull shit. She was turning things around saying that this is what I wanted, I always wanted out, etc..Basically never taking responsibility for what she did.

She did not come home for a while that night, I was on phone with my mother, and then Nanny again. I then called her mom and told her she needs to talk to her daughter that shit was happening that she needs to be aware of. My wife ended up at Nanny’s house and she let her have it, told her flat out that she was wrong for what she did and what she is doing is also dead wrong. From what I heard she was pretty hard and honest with her. When she got home, she was a different person. She said that she was protecting herself and everyone else but not protecting the most important people in her life, which was me and our daughter. I truly felt she meant it, but still did not feel safe and trusting with her right at that time, but I was hoping in time, things would get better.

I then blocked all their (the asshole’s family) numbers on the cell phones, blocked all their numbers for the house phone. I then blocked the entire family off of Facebook, gone, deleted. Threw away all pictures around the house of them, deleted all digital pictures of them and any association with them, gone. My goal was to make it like they never existed in our lives. I sent him an email that he is to not come to this party and him and his family are to disappear from our lives, the charade is over. Felt good to finally take charge and put things in place the way I want them so I can heal and get better. The past 7 months have been fucking hell, just pure misery having them in our lives. I feel like a huge load was lifted from both our shoulders now that they were gone from our lives.
The email I sent him stated:
“change of plans, I want nothing to do with you or your family, ever. This charade is over and I am taking back my dignity and self respect! You are a coward, liar and an opportunistic worthless piece of shit. Do not contact anyone in my family at all, ever, this is over! If I find out that you have, I will tell your entire family what you have done. I have had it living with this bullshit, it’s your fucking problem now, so fucking deal with it! Merry christmas, happy new year and FUCK YOU!!”

He emailed me back and said he told his wife everything, but at that time I thought it was bullshit. He told her something, not sure what. I am not sure what he told her, but he did say they were getting divorced after Christmas, I call bullshit, he is was probably saying that to pacify me, but I really don’t care, my main goal was to gut him out of our lives permanently and it is finally done! My wife and I can finally move forward and work on us.