Dear anita, thank you for the response. You are much right in saying that a big mistake on my side was getting involved before having gotten a deeper insight into her personality. The thing is I was tired of being alone. Before her I had been turned down for years by people who seemed involved at first but always ended up asking me to just stay friends. So when I saw a chance I took it.
And what bothers me in an almost unbearable way is that we had our fair share of beautiful moments, moments in which I can’t but say we were almost one. In those moments I felt so happy, it was like finally getting a glimpse of true peace. And then she basically ran away from what could have been a beautiful relationship just out of fear of getting too involved. I know this is something I can’t do much about, but it just seems absurd since what she ran away with was, basically, being happy. Why would someone ever want to do that?
I get that the best I can do know is just let go, and trust me I want to do that. But I just feel anger towards her, towards this wasted chance and everything I put in it, my time, my emotional energy, even towards myself and towards the fact that I was never able, even in the past, to make someone stay.
This is anger is what I need to get rid of. Acknowledging this failure and aiming at new improved relationships is something that has already sprouted in me, but anger just doesn’t go away and keeps me stuck.

Well, as I previously stated, I’m not the kind of person that jumps from a partner to another. That’s not simply a trait of my personality, I highly value love, so when I am in a romantic relationship with someone it never happens by chance, it means I find this person important, interesting. And I would never just break up for minor issues and/or because I’m momentarily uncertain. I’ll try to talk things through and understand if there is an underlying problem. I highly prefer to work things out instead of just breaking up out of things that haven’t been explained. The result of all this is that I don’t get involved with many people. My first girlfriend left me after a few months because she felt she was not good for me. Nonetheless she spent the following year coming back and going away from me, unofficially we kept seeing each other. I was deeply in love with her, maybe even because she was my first real girlfriend, so I kept playing along, suffering since she didn’t really give me any certainty about her feelings for me. She just couldn’t get it together and commit to me. At some point I was just fed up with that, and we gradually began seeing each other less, so I overcame my feelings. We kept being friends, not close friends, but we even shared some good experiences together in the aftermath.
After that I was alone for quite a bit of time. More than a year later I got a massive crush over a schoolmate of mine and unsuccesfully tried to make contact, talk and share ideas. She was very fascinated, but at the time she wasn’t probably even aware that she liked girls so it didn’t go much further. The thing hurt me and I kept being in love with her for almost a year. I gradually overcame even this love. Then came more time alone. I met a few girls but didn’t feel like I wanted to be with any of them, so I didn’t get involved with anyone.
One year later I suddenly got involved with another girl from my school. It lasted for a very short time before it was clear that, however fascinating she found me, she wasn’t up for a relationship. I got angry and hurt about that and needed a month before I was able to speak to her again. I was angry because I was getting tired of people just being scared of not being adequate for me and/or not feeling like they could commit. We got close again, she oscillated between a friendly behaviour and a playful, flirting attitude. I was still quite infatuated with her but then just got more and more disappointed by her way of being towards me that I just let it go.
A few months after I had a brief and unsuccesful relationship with another girl. She too came back after some time trying to make contact and get involved again, but never crossed the line of really doing it. It was more teasing, playing, keeping it on a flirting level. But it ended quickly.
Then came the two I mentioned in the first post.
In all this I got increasingly tired of this commonly shared behavior (more or less every girl I’d been with showed it at some point) of being scared to commit, scared of feeling more than just infatuation and trying to maturely handle issues. Another thing that I began to stand progressively less is that they all came back after they’d broken up asking me to be friends and still showing signs of flirting. It bothers me especially because they never really complained about thing I’d done, they liked me all the way through and even made remarks about how a good, interesting person I was, but felt they weren’t “right” for me. They never treated me badly and offended me, they all said they were sorry to break up, they loved me anyway, wanted to stay friends and hoped I was fine about it because they didn’t want to end contact.
This is probably the best resume I can write. Maybe I also need to say that they were pretty different one from another, I didn’t just get involved with a particular kind of person with a distinct personality. Some were more shy and introverted, some were more exuberant and extroverted. Some had experience in life, some didn’t. But when involved with me they all proved to behave very similarly at some point.