Home→Forums→Relationships→how to mend my broken heart??
- This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by D.
-
AuthorPosts
-
May 26, 2016 at 11:49 am #105704SusannahParticipant
6 months have passed and I am still heartbroken.
Hello TinyBuddha friends,
I’m here again to vent a little and see if anyone can bring some light to my current situation.
I had previously posted here (http://dev.tinybuddha.com/topic/should-i-move-on-2/). Short recap: My ex-fiancé broke up with me 6 months ago.After his final words I’ve never heard from him again, not even a “hey, are you ok?”.
Last time I contacted him I sent a message asking if he had sent my stuff. Thatwas 4.5 months ago. It took him forever to simply say: “yes”.
He broke up with me out of the blue, one month before me moving to his country (we were long distance), 2 weeks after my visa grant, 1 week after we bought plane tickets to travel together, payed for an engagement party for my family, etc…Through all these months I have cried, suffered and have being unhappy for most of the time.
I don’t think I have ever been through something like this before and I hope this is the one and only.
No one can/could possible understand how heartbroken, shattered and hurt I was (and still am).
For someone listening from the outside I must sound like an immature kid whose heart is broken. But I don’t consider this the case. I’ve had many struggles in life, that was not my first long term relationship ending, I’m 26 years old, I am responsible and mature. He was the love of my life and he’s gone.I tried everything I could during this time to keep myself from loving this man, but it seems impossible to move on.
I tried to hate him, I remembered how badly he treated me, how inconsiderate he was, I wrote lists of everything I hated about him and us as a couple, I wrote down all the times he failed me and all the positive things in a life without him. I go to therapy every week, I take medication for anxiety, I kept a journal to write my feelings and vent, I prayed, I went to church (several religions) trying to find comfort, I’ve read self books, I meditate and practice yoga regularly, I allowed my feelings to surface whenever they had to.
I keep myself busy: I bought a golden retriever one month after so we play and walk every single day, I do pilates 3 times a week, I swim, I work 44 hours a week, I travel on weekends and go to every single social event I am invited or obliged to….
Name it, and I’ve done it. All the tips outs there to help someone heal, I honestly tried because I’d do anything to feel happy again.Still, it seems like I can’t move on. This love seems endless, immortal and I am honestly reaching my limit. I know this pain comes in waves. I had good and bad days, weeks and months. I had strong suicidal thoughts many times and now they are back.
We were supposed to get married next saturday (june 4th), my visa expires in July if we don’t apply for the new one… So I know it’s over. I know I should let go and move on. I’m pretty sure he has someone else… still here I am: suffering, with this agony in my chest and I don’t want to live like this anymore. I look at pictures of myself as a girl and I want so badly to time travel and change everything. If I could unmeet him I would, if only I could go back and tell my young self: RUN, as fast as you can… That seems to be the problem, I don’t want to go ahead any further. The only possible life is in the past or no life at all…
It’s been six months, people say I’ll meet a new love, a greater love, time heals everythings and blah blah blah…
No one understands my pain, how strongly I felt for him or why I’m not over yet.May 26, 2016 at 12:14 pm #105705HannahParticipantHi Susannah,
No one will be able to understand what you are feeling.
No one’s hurting is the same as another’s.
Don’t be angry at yourself for still loving your ex-fiance. You can’t change how you feel for someone and you shouldn’t try to block out your emotions. Distractions are just that; distractions. They won’t take away your feelings.
What it sounds as though you are looking for, is love. We all need love and compassion. But we don’t need to look to others for this.
You need to accept your feelings and you need to give yourself some of the love that you are missing in your life.
You’re dealing with an incredibly difficult set of circumstances and you are doing well. Carrying on with life when you feel like your world has stopped spinning is no easy task and you should remind yourself how proud you feel about that.
Take pride in the things you are doing, and praise yourself for your own achievements. Remind yourself what your personal goals and wants are or at least were, and seek them out. Remember to take note with every small step you take.
Let go of the anger you have towards yourself for choosing to be with this man. You haven’t done anything wrong and you have no reason to resent yourself for feeling love. Redirect that love to yourself.
Remember that if you start to hate yourself, then you won’t be able to accept love from anyone.
Stay strong x
May 26, 2016 at 1:49 pm #105715AnonymousGuestDear Susan:
I read all your posts from the Jan/Feb thread as well as this one. You wrote in the other thread that for a while while he was in Australia, you were obsessed with him cheating on you. You wrote you suffered from OCD like obsession about him cheating and you scanned his social online activity, trying to control him. You mentioned nothing wrong that he has done and that your suspicions were unfounded. You wrote that he repeated to you that he loved you, that you were the love of his life. Then suddenly, he broke up with you.
On the other thread you came up with possibilities for his reasoning: your obsessive jealousy/ controlling behavior, his previous marriage to a woman also from another country, his friends giving him advice that this will not work, the long distance factor, and all this got too real for him, your visa granted and plans very close to become reality.
You tried everything so to move on, you wrote on this thread. So indeed there is nothing more you can do, is there, but let the pain enter fully into your awareness. This may be the thing you didn’t try yet, not enough.
The Gypsy you mentioned and all other future tellers told you (other thread) that you and him will get together again because they knew that is what you wanted to hear, part of you still wants to hear the same. Part of you is still waiting, I am guessing, and so you have not completely accepted that indeed it is over.
Working as many hours as you do, doing Pilates, attending every social event possible, therapy, you may be doing all these things AND still waiting for him to be back into your life. The waiting has to stop.
“How to mend my broken heart”? By relaxing into the pain of the ending of this relationship.
How, I don’t know yet. Maybe you can learn how to do this, maybe in good enough therapy. What do you think?
anita
May 26, 2016 at 2:40 pm #105718ErisParticipantHoney its only been 6 months. That’s not a lot of time at all for something like this. This is a BIG thing.
I broke my wrist and it took longer than 6 months to heal it completely and get it back to working properly and that took hours of painful physio, hours of time where i had to sit with the pain, accept the pain because it was by working with the pain that I was going to get full movement back.
In a way it was the same when I had my heart broken by the person I thought was the love of my life, I had to sit with the pain and not resist it when it kept coming up for it to slowly resolve its self. Keeping busy is good and a dog is awesome for bring joy back into your life but be patient with yourself and your heart.
Big wounds take time to heal. I know what it can be like, the pain is so bad sometime you literally want to crawl out of your own body, your own life, you’d do anything to just get this part of it over with but the more you resist feeling the pain and processing it the longer it will take.
Even now 2 years later I still feel a dull throb occasionally but it will get better I promise just be kind to yourself and as Anita says make sure you really face the fact it is over. any hope that its not really over is like ripping out the stitches in the wound every time it starts to heal….
There are some good books out there that i found helpful – ‘its called a break up because its broken’ was one i liked.
x
Eris
May 26, 2016 at 2:56 pm #105719EvanParticipantHi Susannah,
I say accept it!
Accept you love him, that you long for his return, that he is the love of your life. This is how you feel, so accept it. You love him and thats ok! No need to run away from this fact.
However…..
Dont confuse your wants, desires, dreams, fantasies or demands for these are imaginary, and not your truth. Your actual truth is you love him.
Start there because this is present within your heart. Also know that true love is freedom…… Free from restraint……
Best
Evan
May 26, 2016 at 4:09 pm #105722DParticipantHi Susannah,
Thank you for you post! I’m living and feeling very similar emotions. Every minute of the day I think about him, and it has been over 3 months since he left me. My anxiety is destroying my life. During the week, I’m only able to sleep for a few hours a night and during the weekend I take sleeping pills to waste away my free time. Most days I’m filled with an overwhelming feeling of dread and thoughts of death are actually soothing. I’m unsure how I’ll survive my broken heart. I feel intensely lonely and I’m very fearful of my future. I’m seeing a therapist, but those sessions seem quite useless. Like you, I still try to exercise and socialize, but even then he’s always on my mind. Every day I think about contacting him, hoping that he’s missing me and regretting his decision to leave. But, somehow I have the sanity to realize that he’s probably moved on and wouldn’t respond to me anyway. So Susannah, I have no words of wisdom, or strategies to cope. Just know that you are definitely not alone in your struggles. I feel insanely lost and the pain can be debilitating. Please post back.
-
AuthorPosts