Anita,

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and ideas about my problem. It’s funny, I was just giving advice to someone on another thread and I feel like I’m wise (sometimes) when helping others, but not so wise when trying to help myself. I guess it’s because I’m too often trying to distract myself and not think about my anxiety and problems. Therefore, I never really work on them or fix them fully.

I like your ideas –

1 – looking at the anxiety to understand it

and

2 – skills for reducing it

I like that idea about observing the anxiety from outside of it. It’s similar to what I said to a therapist friend of mine who has a lot of troubles – I said – what would you tell a client if she was in your situation and feeling all of the stress, guilt, obligation, etc.? She said it helped her to see more clearly what she was doing to herself. I think that is similar to what you were suggesting. Sort of act as if I’m someone else giving advice to myself or else just looking at the anxiety as a separate entity. Maybe I’m interpreting it differently than how you meant it, but it still works for me either way.

Also, when you say neutral or healthy distractions, I suppose that could be like exercise, drawing, working on my writing, etc. You’re right, I tend to not devote enough time to the good things. I get through necessary chores and not much more. I have to make time for the things that either calm me (exercise, meditation) or give me a positive focus (drawing, writing).

I will print out what you wrote, so I can think about and understand it more. For some reason I often can think more clearly when reading things on paper. Wasteful, I know, but necessary for me sometimes.

Thank you so much, Anita, for your advice about this.

Christine

Anita, thank you for all of the suggestions. The big toe thing is interesting. I will try that when I feel particularly anxious and see if I can learn it.

I wish I knew some of these things while my sister was still alive. She suffered from anxiety worse than mine. Hers often went into the extreme panic type, which I’m very grateful to not have. Of course, losing my sister and several other important people, and other things we’ve gone through lately, certainly are contributing to all of my anxiety. I’m trying to focus on the positive, while missing everyone and worrying about other things. I know, everyone has problems. I just feel very weak sometimes.

It’s interesting that you mentioned the anti-anxiety medication, because I’m currently very, very slowly tapering off of Xanax. I didn’t know how harmful it could be, to me at least, until I kept having daily withdrawals during the time period each day when it left my body (I was taking it before my two daily sleeping times). I kept feeling really nuts at about the same time each day, did some research online (mostly message boards), and then found out how I needed to very carefully spread it out and then cut down very slowly in order to not feel so crazy. I’m glad to know that you’ve been able to use that separation/toe technique to help with anxiety, in a drug-free way. That’s so good!

Thank you again for all of your help!

Christine

Dear Anita,

I’m sorry that you are worrying about your sister right now, and also that she has panic and anxiety, too. It’s hard to deal with that kind of anxiety and keep it in control. I’m glad, though, that her things are only pre-cancerous. It’s a good chance for her to try to keep healthier.

Thank you for your sympathy regarding my sister. She passed away at only 43 and left behind a young son (5 at the time, 8 now). First she had serious Lyme disease for years (still had it when she passed), then got a type of cancer that she suspected but they couldn’t detect until it was too late (it was in thin layers so they couldn’t see it on scans until it spread and got worse – very weird). She did have skin cancer things removed in previous years (actual cancer, not pre-cancerous), so maybe that led to the other cancers (neck, liver, and ??). Sorry, I know this is depressing, but you asked about it, so I’m answering.

It’s scary and hard, for all of us who have anxiety, to deal with anything like this. My sister was doubted by so many (not me, but others close to her) when she knew something was wrong with herself. That’s why anxiety is tough sometimes, because you say ‘is it real, or is it my anxiety?’ I know that many people with anxiety can relate to that. I think the only solution is being really in tune with your body and your mind, to see if it can tell you the truth sometimes. It’s hard to know the difference. Even my sister didn’t know for sure, because of her anxiety and her Lyme pains and things interfering with her knowing for sure.

I don’t know if I’m making sense. I’m always so tired. I didn’t even handle it well when my sister was dying, and was so scared and that made me act too distant (even when I was there with her). So, of course I have guilt about that, too.

Oh, the Xanax thing was like, I was taking it two times a day for my sleep (have to split up my sleep because of health problems that won’t let me sleep well) and during that other part of the day when the Xanax would leave my system, that’s when I would feel super-anxious. Then I read about how it leaves your body after 12 hours, so if you don’t keep the doses steady (now I keep them about 8 hours apart), you have a big drop in GABA and feel very anxious, so that’s what was happening to me. I also read about how slowly your body re-learns to make your own GABA, so you have to cut down so, so slowly, which is what I’m doing, but I can still get a bit “off” sometimes. I guess it’s just my usual anxiety coming out.

Sorry for the overly-long explanation to your questions, but I’m not good at editing.

Christine

Dear Anita,

I’m sorry for taking so long to respond. I’ve been trying to get back here every day, but keep running out of time and energy.

Thank you so much for your caring and understanding about my guilt regarding my sister’s death. I’m crying right now thinking about it all. You’re right that my sister probably did understand about my reaction to her dying. She was very kind and wise and would’ve surely understood, even throughout her medicated haze. She knew we all loved her so much and were freaked out about what was going on.

Like you, I had a lot of issues during my childhood. I guess some of us spend a lifetime recovering from some of that stuff.

I really can relate to what you said about exhaustion, a foggy brain, and also feeling ashamed. For me, ashamed about being depressed, anxious, and all of my other problems. Luckily, my mother is now understanding and kind (not so much when I was a child – she was a mess herself) and I’ve been blessed to have a really great husband for 30 years. Both of these people, plus my best friend, love me despite my many flaws. It’s of course me who is hard on me now.

I keep wanting to change, to “fix” myself, and I end up even more confused and anxious and overwhelmed by just wanting to be a better version of myself. I do try to acknowledge the good things about myself and love myself, but I do tend to obsess about all of my worries, my problems, my flaws, our health, etc. It is so draining, wanting to fix energy, health, sleep, and other issues and trying to figure out how to do it.

Wow, I feel like I’ve gotten way off topic, but it’s helping me to get more of an overall perspective on things.

Thank you, Anita, for all of your help and advice.

Christine

Dear Anita,

You wrote:

“Maybe it’s time to stop trying to fix yourself. Maybe you are fine as you are…

…I say to myself: it is okay. I am anxious. It’s okay to feel this. What I otherwise did my whole life is feel anxious about feeling anxious and so I got double anxious and then triple anxious…

…I had OCD for decades…”

Me, too. OCD things since I was a kid. It’s better now, but obviously not gone. Also, anxious about being anxious, and worrying about fixing it.

You’re right about how I should stop trying to fix myself. Or if I do need to fix some things, I’m realizing that it needs to be a more gentle change, one that doesn’t increase my anxiety. All of the things I tried have always failed anyway, so I’m really trying to find a new way.

Actually, thinking about trying to STOP fixing myself seems to promote anxiety, too, because I think, “What, I’m supposed to be like THIS?!” Ha ha. I mean, when you feel like a mess, the idea of accepting it is frightening, but I guess it’s also liberating, in a way.

Wow, this stuff seems complicated to my confused mind, but I know that if I can wrap my head around it, it will really make my life more SIMPLE, like I want it to be.

I do think I understand what you are saying, and I will try to work on following your suggestions.

Thank you,

Christine