fbpx
Menu

the pain after break up, feeling lonely, broken

Home→Forums→Relationships→the pain after break up, feeling lonely, broken

New Reply
  • This topic has 5 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • April 22, 2016 at 10:14 am #102452
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tochjejo:

    I re-read your first thread and this one. These are my understanding of your situation:

    You are a doctor, a medical doctor, I understand, in some country (in Europe, I am thinking). You enjoy your job very much.

    After six months or so of a long distance relationship with a man in Germany, you considered moving to Germany and looking for a job there as you live “happily ever after” with him. In your not-so-many or not-that-long times of being physically present with him, the two of you never fought and the time spent was all lovely.

    Your natural need to be attached to a man is very clear, strong and understandable (as it is after all natural). Your trust in him as the right one to be attached to was probably immature, placed without adequate evidence, time and experience. You had, as you called it. a “hypothetical life” that you imagined with him. Not much of a practical life. For example: did you have a significant conflict with him during the 6 months or so? If so, how was it resolved? If not- you don’t have the practical experience with him to know him well and to trust him to be the right man for you.

    The relevance of this to your current heartache is to determine whether your heartache is about Reality or is it mostly about Fantasy. These are two different animals that require different approaches to processing.

    anita

    April 23, 2016 at 1:26 am #102513
    Kasia
    Participant

    hey,good to hear from you back. you probably are right. well i miss him. him as a person,his smile,jokes the things we used to do together etc. i miss us. we did fight but just once and jt was no big deal. comparing to my other 8year llong relationshp with my ex this was heaven. but yes of course we didn’t spent so much time together to say it was the right one. and i was too hurried with my feelings (well not just me )and all the dreaming and planning it was probably too soon. i know it. but you know how it is at the beginning of every relationship all so shiny,lovely,awesome. and fact is,that i wish to have some fight or something really terrible to think about now,to say – well i don’t wanna live like this! but all i experienced was beautiful and i miss it. i miss the time we spent together i miss him as a person – i miss the reality. and i miss the fantasy at the same time…
    you seem you really know what you’re talking about,so any help how to get through this would be really very appreciated. thank you

    April 23, 2016 at 7:51 am #102524
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tochjedo:

    How to get through a heartache? How to get through pain… My answer is: feel it, feel the pain, let it be. And focus on learning, learning from what was and from your experience every day. Instead of focusing on the pain, get curious: what is there for me to see today that I didn’t see yesterday?

    Continue your education, the one outside medical school. There is so much to learn.

    You had an 8 year relationship with another man. What did you learn from that relationship?

    How could reality and fantasy come together for you in the future, in regard to a relationship?

    anita

    April 28, 2016 at 5:59 am #103018
    Kasia
    Participant

    hey:) been working nights, did not have time to answer:) well recently I feel like I’m learning, starting to see slowly what I did wrong in this relationship (which I actually did wrong last time too), i didn’t learn from that obviously. I think I did all things same – gave too much, wanted to please my partner, not exactly myself, doing everything to make him happy. I’m like this in normal life too, i give all myself just to see people around happy. friends, family, patients… so i actually think it’s hard for me to focus on my needs and love myself. and that is probably reason why I’m insecure and why I’m such crappy in being single… And mpre or less i can see that the way he treated me is not his fault, but i deserve somebody who wants to be with me and give me what I’m willing to give him. Which is good. But it’s still bitter sweet. I miss him. his smile, proximity, the way he treated me when all was right. nobody ever did.
    and i still don’t know how will this affect my future, still can’t proceed loosing that future fantasy.
    Kate

    April 28, 2016 at 8:52 am #103023
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kate:

    I think it is an excellent idea to see life as a school and focus on learning. Life as school is way more important for one’s well being than formal education.

    If in the context of a relationship you do things differently, placing your own needs as most important and aiming at a Win-Win relationship, then you can experience the kind of relationship that will do wonders for you. With your needs in the forefront and a Win-Win attitude you can wisely choose the right man to get involved with, evaluate him and your interactions with him over time, before you place your head over his chest and hear his heart (a precious memory you have of the last boyfriend). Once you hear his heart beating like that, you are already invested, before you know him, before you know if a Win-Win is likely.

    Please do post anytime!

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.