Dear Trevor:

I don’t think you are selfish or creepy for being attracted to teenage girls while you are 23. I don’t think anyone is creepy for anything at all that they feel. It is certain behaviors, not feelings, but behaviors that are creepy.

It is understandable you are attracted to teenage girls because your very last relationship was with a teenage girl while you yourself was a teenager. This relationship you had for 2.5 years was very intense for you, as you pointed out. You were very attached to your then girlfriend and depressed when the relationship was over. You were also very hurt that the Commitment aspect of the triangular way you view relationships wasn’t there on her part.

You are still hurting about her lack of commitment to you. so when you see (older) girls who are now serious but weren’t serious when they were younger, that triggers that hurt in you.

Your ex girlfriend, your very last girlfriend, was extremely meaningful in your life and left an intense imprint in your brain. And you didn’t have a relationship after high school. This is why you are on one hand still attracted to teenage girls and on the other hand, you are still hurting.

It all makes sense; nothing creepy, weird, or anything like that.

Did you attend psychotherapy to process this very meaningful relationship you had? Processing your feelings of that relationship ending can be very helpful to you.

anita

Dear Trevor:

Unfortunately most therapists are not competent. I didn’t come across a competent, caring, hard working therapist until I was 50 years old!

Reading your last post about how you see sex as a beautiful things intertwined with love makes me think how indeed attached you were to your high school girlfriend. Did you pay attention to what I wrote to you, about how your attraction to teenage girls, like any other feeling you have at any time, is not a weird thing, is not disapprovable?

We can’t help how we feel, it is automatic. We are responsible for your behavior, not for our feelings.

anita

Dear Trevor:

Will it help you to share about that relationship you had with your high school girlfriend? Obviously it was very intense and most meaningful in your life. Maybe if you share, and I read and show you that I understand (if I do, you will tell me…), maybe that will help you process some of these feelings?

Will be back to the computer in a few hours.

anita

Dear Trevor:

I will do my best to understand, and the way to make sure I understand is to ask you: did I understand correctly? Then you tell me what I understood correctly and what I did not. This is what communication is about.

You wrote just that one three line paragraph about your relationship with her and I am preparing for my daily walk. Can you write more? Will be back in more than two hours.

anita

Dear Trevor:

I need to get away from the computer. I will write to you in ten hours or so, Wed morning, my time. Be well-
anita

Hi Trevor,

Although certain therapies do look at parent-child relationships as a way to explain current feelings etc, I´m not sure it is useful at all to spend too much time thinking about it. Even if you do come up with a rational explanation for your feelings, it won´t actually change anything. All the real answers are in yourself, that´s what I´ve found, and it can take years to find those answers, but if you don´t start looking then you won´t find them. I can tell you it´s more than worth it to look, you just have to be patient and persistent.

I think many men can probably relate to you to some degree. Younger Women tend to be more fun and carefree which is very attractive. But, don´t be saddened, there are more mature women who still carry that youthful zest, they are just rarer. The thing is these younger women would likely not really satisfy you once you really got to know them because of the maturity gap, i.e. lacking substance maybe.

The other thing I´ve noticed in myself and others is that our first proper romantic experience can leave in it´s wake a whole load of attachment. You may find that you are drawn to a woman who looks similar (body/face/race/age). At some level you have it in your system that this sort of woman would satisfy you. It´s nothing to be guilty at all about. It´s perfectly natural to develop strong attachment in this area. I´m afraid that most people (e.g. parents) don´t understand themselves well enough and the nature of the mind to empathise or give good advice.

The only way from my experience to free yourself from this sort of thing is to go after what you want. Go and date a woman a few years younger than you, there´s nothing wrong with that. Once you get it you´ll realise it´s no big deal. In fact, your desire for a relationship will not even be satisfied by having a relationship. That´s the way of all external desires. You desire it, then get it, then realise you´re still not really satisfied. Then you desire the next thing. But until you come to really know that, you have to keep chasing the desires, it´s not enough to just believe this though. The way to free yourself from any desire is to see that it will not actually satisfy you, but you have to see it very clearly indeed/have experienced it, you can´t pretend. Desire is an incredible illusion that promises satisfaction, but it´s a false promise.

All the best,

Ben.