Home→Forums→Relationships→I just need to be honest
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Eris.
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March 29, 2016 at 12:57 pm #100404
SaraParticipantI learned about Tiny Buddha about five years ago, but I really started reading the website in depth last week Wednesday. There are so many things I’m feeling and learning about myself because of this website in just a few short days.
I need to be honest about my relationship. I don’t feel that I can tell the truth to any of my friends or family. And I know that any advice won’t really help because I know that I am not going to do anything to get out of my relationship. I am messed up in so many ways and am looking forward to healing through this website and community.
My boyfriend relies on me for a place to live and my car for work. He barely even likes to work. He accuses me of being overly critical and negative, which I admit I was. I give him credit for helping me become more self aware and proactive about my happiness. But he is actually guilty of everything he criticizes about me. When I try to point out his behavior he becomes extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. His arguments become circular and unproductive but blames me. He only accepts blame in extreme cases and always blames me for his outburst. He has become physically abusive in the past as well. Here’s the thing. I really do love him and have hope that he is changing. I see that he is changing. If he ever hits me again, I have made a promise to myself to absolutely leave him.
I’m not really sure what I expect from sharing this, but I feel like I needed to be honest to someone. Even if no one reads this all the way through. My story is so complicated and messed up. But I’m just trying to make positive steps towards my life. I feel like suicide for me is just a real option. But I know that it’s not, so I’m becoming proactive about moving away from that option. There is so much more to my story and I know no one can fix me or my situation but myself.
I feel that I deserve the way he treats me because it was the exact same way I treated my ex-husband. I didn’t treat him badly on purpose, it was just uncontrollable. I felt so guilt ridden that I felt he deserved better than me. I used to think that he didn’t love me, but now I see that he did. Unconditionally and that he tried to help me heal. But I wouldn’t accept his help. I don’t want to get back with him, but I understand why he put up me. It’s the same reason I deal with my boyfriend. Unconditional love for a damaged soul that was treated unfairly in life.
March 29, 2016 at 1:17 pm #100405
jsj32ParticipantMyotherme,
First off, you NEVER deserve to be treated poorly. Don’t let yourself believe that. You are worthy of love and respect, everyone is. Be kind to yourself, recognize your worth. You will find it is easier to love others once you can do that.
I have been in the position where I’ve felt like suicide is the right choice. The truth is, it isn’t. You can cater your lifestyle to your own needs and desires. This website has helped me a bunch in realizing that.
Another thing, you are NOT alone. Seek the help of others. Whether thats a trusted friend, a family member, a coworker, a psychiatrist. You don’t have to tackle your problems alone and keep them repressed even if it seems terrifying. The more you repress a problem, the more it will push back at you and overwhelm you. Writing on this blog is a huge step in the right direction.
“Respect yourself enough to let go of anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy”
Once you respect yourself, breathe deep before you speak or act out, and try to make changes in a positive direction, I think you are going to be okay my friend.March 29, 2016 at 1:30 pm #100406SaraParticipantThank you for your post. I know I stated I wouldn’t take any advice, but I needed yours. Hugs. Thank you.
It’s hard to see that everything is going to be okay when I’m just coming out of the pit. The day to day journey… well I really don’t know how to describe it. I’m simply learning to accept it and finds ways to follow a positive path. I think I found a good foundation on this website.
March 29, 2016 at 1:33 pm #100407jsj32ParticipantThe path to healing emotional damage is never short & straight- its often long & winding. Progress is a slow transition that requires a lot of conscious effort, and there will be days where you’ll feel like you’re in the pit again. Don’t give up when that happens! Better days are ahead. I’ve been on the road to recovery for years now, there have been the highest and highs and the lowest of lows. Trust yourself and find your inner peace 🙂
March 29, 2016 at 1:50 pm #100409
VesperParticipantmyotherme,
I felt I needed to respond just to tell you I did read your post all the way through, and while we don’t know each other personally, I care about you as another human being who is hurting and who was brave enough to post something completely honest and vulnerable. You’ve come to the right place for empathy and understanding. No matter how complicated and messed up you THINK your life is, it has value. You have value. Don’t give up on yourself or this life. It’s never too late to learn and grow and heal and be happy. Hugs to you!
March 29, 2016 at 2:23 pm #100414SaraParticipantI cannot express enough the gratitude I feel for your responses. It feels inviting, compassionate, and cared for. I look forward to your and everyone’s support. Reading through other posts is giving me strength and a sense of unity. I know that we’re strangers, but I don’t feel like a stranger on this website. We are all connected and thank you for welcoming me. I just felt/feel disconnected to the world and there’s where my thoughts of suicide come in. I’ve been in recovery from severe depression for a couple years now and I am just tired of feeling hopeless and aimless. This website in just a few days has given me a hope and filled a void I have been looking to fill for years. You guys are giving me strength that I don’t have right now and I need. Love
March 29, 2016 at 2:40 pm #100416
AnonymousGuestDear myotherme:
Can you share how you came up with the name “my other me”- who is the other you?
anita
March 29, 2016 at 3:01 pm #100419SaraParticipantMy other me is someone I want to transform from being. I constantly feel anxious, scared, overwhelmed, frozen, tearful, chaotic, weak, helpless. It’s a person that has led me to make detrimental choices in my life. I had a nervous breakdown in the fall of 2012 and have been recovering since. I must add that during that time I was diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder, ADD, and generalized anxiety. I spent years working putting myself through college to obtain as Masters degree in teaching, only to feel that it I couldn’t be successful in that career. I let myself down and failed. I hated myself for all the sacrifice and work I put myself through, only to discover I couldn’t live up to my expectations or overcome my challenges. I sought professional therapy, anti-depressants, and began (very slowly) implementing mindfulness. I’m tired of making excuses and placing blame on myself, others, or situations. I want/desire to find peace, love, genuine happiness. Because the other me just wants to die and doesn’t feel like they can keep fighting to stay alive. I am smart and very aware of my abilities and what it feels like to be happy with my life. But the mental struggle and proactive decision making to confront my obstacles feels at times too much for me. But I am tired of thinking and feeling that way. I want to be surrounded with positivity. I want to be successful in a meaningful way. I have been working towards that goal, but I need more fuel and support. I have finally found it here. I struggle mentally and emotionally with my bad vs good thoughts. I want to transform from the other me. I realize that there will always be parts of that inside of me. But I don’t want that ME to be most of me anymore.
March 29, 2016 at 3:14 pm #100421VesperParticipantmyotherme,
I understand this: “I don’t feel that I can tell the truth to any of my friends or family.” I often feel the same. I tend to keep my darkest thoughts to myself for fear that: A: No one else will understand; B: Everyone else has struggles of their own, so why should I burden them with mine; and C: I spend WAY too much time in my own head and I’m probably making a mountain out of a molehill. I’ve also made a couple poor choices when confiding in “friends” in the past and found they took a little too much delight in hearing my life was not perfect, if for no other reason than it brought me down a notch and thus, elevated them.
I too am new here, but from what I’ve seen so far (in the Tiny Buddha community), I don’t believe you’ll find any of the above to be true on this site. We may be strangers, but in that anonymity is a certain openness, acceptance and lack of judgement. I for one am in complete awe of Anita and the fact she is never, never, at a loss for something meaningful and helpful to say. I’m better at empathizing than giving great advice, but I think we are all here for the same reason – we care about our fellow humans. You included! 🙂 <3March 29, 2016 at 3:37 pm #100425AnonymousGuestDear myotherme:
I am glad you posted here and hope you continue to find the website and the forums helpful to you.
You have been scared for too long and you want to live without that fear.
My life was ruled with fear, fear expressing itself in all kinds of symptoms, diagnoses, from OCD to … well, so many, I don’t want anyone to envy my collection of diagnoses.
There is a way. As I am typing this to you, it is my other me, in a way, typing this. The healing process, or the Healing Path as I call it, is five years old for me (March 2011- today). No way I can type it in a post. There is so much to it and so much that will apply to you simply because we are two of the same human species.
Please apply lots and lots of patience to the process of transforming yourself to the other you. Focus, if you will, on simple acts of assertiveness at this point. Take every opportunity possible for you to practice being assertive, no opportunity too small or insignificant- practice this necessary skill. And please do post again and again and yet again.
anita
* Vesper, thank you so much for your comment above about me!
March 29, 2016 at 3:58 pm #100428SaraParticipantVesper,
Yes to A, B, and C. And everything else you write. I don’t want to be the person who complains but is not proactive to make my situation better. But I do want a compassionate ear. And I do seek validation in my feelings. Thank your empathy.
Anita,
Thank you for your support. Your words are encouraging. And the short description of your journey is inspiring. I look forward to learning more from you and this community. From everyone here.
PEACE
March 29, 2016 at 4:00 pm #100429AnonymousGuestDear myotherme:
You are welcome. Peace to you and to all of us!
anita
March 29, 2016 at 4:48 pm #100434VesperParticipantmyotherme and anita,
I thank you, and you’re welcome. And thank YOU for allowing me to express myself here and share with you. I hope you both have a wonderful evening.
March 29, 2016 at 7:38 pm #100449AnonymousGuestDear myotherme”
Please do post again.
* Dear Vesper: I read your few replies on other threads and enjoyed them, especially your story!!! Look forward to read more.
anita
March 29, 2016 at 10:40 pm #100457
sandstormParticipantmyotherme
i truly understand what you are going through and because i have also been to situation where only option u see is to end everything .
i feel every single emotion of what you are going through.
always remember that u are brave and thinking of solution in bad time thats what we are suppose to do . m glad that u put post here.
good stand strong fight with whatever you have and whatever you can .and use this point of life that you were standing strong and in future you will tell yourself yes it was difficult i made it through .
myotherme be brave give it time stand strong fight hard .my love and best wishes to you ,myotherme
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 