Hello Anita,

Thank you so much for responding. I understand what you are saying by it wasn’t over. I have been told this many times and I do understand that anything is possible and that anything can happen.

I am a very funny person when it comes to speaking or writing. I try my best to choose my words wisely, not to mention I try to think how I would feel if I were the one reading them. I have always been cautious of others feelings, at times more than my own.

To answer your questions:

I have been told I think to much and I have been called mentally unstable because of it. I understand things can be over thought. One thing life has taught me is that many don’t think enough and speak or write hastily. I expressed my feelings of thought to another person and that was one of the responses I received.

I have been cheated on in my past. I expressed after time with being with a person what took place, how it took place and what it did to me. One person I was with for 2 years I caught cheating on me and I went so far as to send her a picture of her car in his parking lot. I explained how in my relations before her which lasted 8 years how I finally caught her. After being with her for 8 years I tried to move past it. I am not one to quit so easily.
After I had sent the picture, got in to an argument etc she turned around and said. You must have really loved her because you caught her and gave her a chance. I was not alone with the person who you saw my car by but you won’t give me a chance… Long story short.. I did and it failed

There are many other examples I could give but I’m feeling a bit strange airing out my laundry out here. Perhaps in time I won’t feel as such but for now I hope you understand. It’s not only feelings but it is my words as well.

As far as retail is concerned… 20 years in management is a long time, especially in retail. I enjoyed my co workers below me. I was the one they always came to with any issues or problems. I guess in many ways it was because of them I lasted as long as I did.

I am glad to be out of it to be honest with you. I have grown very tired of trying to do the jobs of 10 people with 4 people and constantly be asked or expected to send one of the four home. I won’t pull the soap box out any more than that =)

Hope that answers the questions for you. I’m happy to be out of retail but I don’t have much else to fall back on to. I grew up in a inner city where a high school diploma was the dream… If you made it to college well you could own the world.

Unfortunately I do not have either. It has never been a problem but now things have changed so much. Lol there isn’t even a paper application any more these days like it was when we were growing up. Everything has become so faceless now. The other thing life has taught me is that a majority of the time it’s not what you know but who you know.

As far as your fear is concerned Anita. If you wish to converse I am here. It doesn’t have to be your feelings or demons if you will.

Good morning Anita,

I was not convicted or charged in the theft. However once you are fired for theft your name is placed in a database that is shared by retailers. Once your name is on that list it is save to say you are done in retail for the next 7 years regardless of circumstances.

It is a long story but prior to my being fired I actually resigned. I still have the letter of resignation that was sent to my district manager. My last day I was offered to go to another store. Prior to my finding out the offer is when I decided to take the item. I am not justifying my actions by any means with this next statement. I had done numerous transfers for the company which I was never paid for.

I could have been paid for the mileage but did not want to go through 4 forms of documentation, signatures, DNA samples and the rest only to have to wait 2 to 3 weeks if I was lucky to be reimbursed. It’s funny how they trust you to take the merchandise deliver it and so on but getting paid for it takes a few weeks to get it back. This was the first company I have ever had problems with for being reimbursed for mileage. In all honesty I could have taken a few more items and would have broke even.

Rage, anger, confusion, stress and aggravation took over and I got stupid plain and simple. I should have left when I sent the letter of resignation and been done with it not to mention not having to worry about my next line of work.

As far as to what I am thinking of doing? Honestly I have no idea. I have never felt so drained, embarrassed and empty in my life. There are things I can do I suppose but I have no want or desire to do so. In many ways I have come to a point where I no longer care. I have fallen pretty deep so far but I haven’t hit bottom yet… 2 weeks or less and I will have hit bottom.

I am a very proud person. I am staying with a friend now but hate every minute being there. I don’t feel it is right that some one should have to take care of me when I should be doing it myself. I have lost a couple of friends because of this for not accepting help from them. That is a whole other story though but before things went south I was reminded how I have done nothing but refuse the help that has been offered by them, how I refuse to help myself and how I should not blame others or circumstances surrounding others on my situation… That’s what honesty got me and speaking for the moment.

Living wise… Please don’t laugh but I am honestly thinking of just going my own way and see what happens. I guess you could say a bum of sorts but I assure you I am far to proud to beg, my stealing days are over and I honestly don’t wish to be around people any longer.

Though I am not properly educated I am smart enough to take care of myself and provide for myself. I have honestly been contemplating going down to Arizona and make a living for my self alone for a while. Maybe the time soul searching will help then again it might not. Won’t know unless I take that chance. We will see what happens.
If I suddenly disappear you know where I am and the choice I made.

Mike

If I suddenly disappear = I decided to go to Arizona… No electricity or Wifi in a backpack =)

Yes I resigned first but second guessed myself because of my financial situation. I am a responsible person and wanted to be able to continue providing for my way of life. Yes I was very frustrated with the job. I did mention that in my prior responses as well. I wanted to get out, took the steps to get out but thought about my financial situations and listened to others about how it was wrong to leave a job with out a job.

Yes there are jobs out there and minimal is a understatement. There is not much that I can’t do or won’t do.

It is a bit aggravating though when you have been in my line of work and you hear how poorly the company is doing, cut backs, set backs so on and so forth… Yet her is the CEO getting a 15 million bonus??? That’s not counting the others under him. It’s amazing how this happens yet the company is doing poorly.

Lol I’ll stop here.

Yes I agree. Sadly what was once right has now become wrong and the new right is wrong. I am sure we both could sit here for hours and days about this topic. Sadly it is nothing more than venting. It won’t change or fix the problem because as you said it has now become the norm now.

On another note I am glad that you have found a certain sense of understanding now with your life and feelings. I am sure it has not been a easy road to navigate and I admire you for persevering and continuing to try! I wish you nothing but the best and with each day that passes it becomes easier and clearer for you.

Mike

Lol okay Anita I will answer these questions but I’m going to be pulling out the soap box for these answers =)

1. My tolerance started at the age of 21 when my mother passed away from cancer. With her passing my family basically imploded in on its self. She was the glue that kept it all together and when she left there was nothing to keep it together. I was seeing someone at the time and she was part African American and Mexican. I come from a traditional Polish / Catholic family.

Racism is quite prevalent, You don’t mix blood. Long story short her illness took 4 years of fighting and battling before it took her life. It was hard on us all but even harder for her because she was no longer fighting for herself but for us and the family. On her death bed she had managed to write me a small letter just before she passed. In this letter she asked me to stay together as a family, to do my best to stick together and help each other. She also managed to write that she was happy that I was seeing someone but if I brought black blood into the family she would disown me forever.

I tried honoring her wish with the family. It lasted about 6 months after her passing. My grandmother never spoke to my father again after the funeral along with many other things. I could not take the distance and squabbling any longer. I prayed and I told her that I tried to honor her wishes but the others could not. That was the end of my family life. It was my father my brother and me. Brother and father were alcoholics, father calmed the drinking down but started using drugs about a year after her passing. My brother for all I know is still drinking. Have not seen or spoken to him since 1999.

The drugs and COPD finally took my father back in August of 2011. For the record… I do not drink. I will have the occasional beer from time to time and that’s about it. Drugs… Tried a few different things in my youth but never liked the feeling of not being in control. Haven’t touched a drug since the age of 18 or 19

2. I was treated very well by my parents. There were no games and lies from either of them. They had a rough life it was not the Brady bunch by any means. Both parents were strict and disciplined minded. I was thought respect honor and love by them both. My father was a alcoholic and there were many fights and arguments because of it. My father never hit my mother through any of it. They were married 27 years and the only thing that separated them was her death.

Through out all those years I was there I learned from them that you face your problems and do your best to deal with them. She never left him and he never left her. In this day and age everyone seems to want to walk away from problems and find someone else to replace those problems. There is no more working on anything as far as I am concerned and from what I have experienced. Hence my it’s no longer “Until Death Do Us Part” now it has become “Until something else better comes along.” Why work at it when you can just replace it.

I wouldn’t say I had a perfect childhood but I do not blame my childhood or parents for anything. In fact I am very proud to be who I am and the lessons and love that they both taught and showed me.

Hope this was a good answer for you.

Mike

My answers are always honest. I only speak truth and I always speak from the heart. My fear of my words being used against me is a much deeper subject. I value an opinion, I appreciate thought and insight and I appreciate honesty.

My words being used and feelings being used against me is basically from discussions, debates or arguments if you will. If I am guilty of BS I will call it or respect if it is called against me.

Others sometimes don’t like BS being called on them and it raises an automatic fight mechanism on them. When this happens people have the tendency to use what ever they can in defense and in my case it’s feelings or words.

Don’t get me wrong I’m a big boy and I can take my licks. Feel free to say and ask what you wish. If you should offend me which you have not I will tell you nicely. If it should happen again I will simply end the conversation. I mean that in a sincere way.

I am alone and I am a family of one. There is no one or anyone else. I know there is always time to make anything happen. As bitter as I may sound, as fearful as I have become that hope is still inside of me. Anything is possible with time and understanding.

Though I know this… Accepting it at times is a problem. =)