I remember having had my first sexual experience with a woman. It was the first time I truly felt intimacy and connected, and understood the magic and mystery of falling in love. I was in my 30’s.

I had had relationships with men before. However, they were nothing like this. This was the first time I allowed myself to discover an aspect of myself I had kept hidden, deep within. Finally I was allowing the unravelling of my truth.

Having been brought up with a fairly strict, German-Lutheran background where homosexuality was seen as abhorrent, this was an area of my life I had never previously explored. Had I a different upbringing and environment I have no doubt I would have explored this many, many years earlier.

We have an uncanny inbuilt guiding system that brings us back to who we are. Even when we try to hide aspects of ourselves, they continue to push to the surface waiting for the moment we are ready to face them. This is exactly what happened with me. When I was ripe I did explore my secret – my sexuality.

I let go of all the voices in my head of why I shouldn’t do this – all the guilt. I allowed myself to fall and in doing so was excited and exhilarated about the natural discovery of my own truth.

This meant more to me than anything because it was part of my core. However even though I had allowed myself to explore my sexuality and I had realised I was a lesbian, I still did not share this with the world. My first relationship with a woman remained hidden. I was afraid to tell anyone and certainly this woman was too.

After many months I reached the point where I couldn’t hide my truth any more. I was so happy and wanted to shout from the rooftops and tell the world, “I’m in love and in love with a woman”.

I had begun living a double life – the one I shared with family and friends and this other wonderful yet hidden relationship that I lived in parallel. I could literally feel the splintering of my life. The weight of this burden, this non-disclosure was starting to eat me alive. I couldn’t go on like this any longer. All I wanted was to share my happiness and I was so frightened to do this. Each day my life was a lie.

I wanted to be out. Happy and out! This was the most natural and aligned, and connected to myself I had felt, ever. It was also the most connected I had felt with anyone. It was beautiful, sensual and most importantly, part of the truth of who I am.

Finally I knew and accepted that I was a lesbian. So much of my earlier life now made sense, including failed relationships with men and so much of my adolescence.

I couldn’t speak for this woman however I had to start speaking out for myself. By now we had broken up and soon I shared with her that I was going to come out.

Her reaction was one of fear. She didn’t want anyone else to know, particularly her family. Our relationship was also her first relationship with a woman.

Promising I would not tell anyone her name, I could no longer live this lie. I needed to move on with my life honestly and openly. There would be no more compromise of the self. Never again would I enter a relationship that was hidden.
I made this promise to myself and have lived it ever since.

My next and biggest hurdle was my parents. I truly believed that I would be disowned. This wasn’t hyped up imagination it was based on a religious upbringing and the cursing toward homosexuals that I heard from my father throughout my adolescence. Now I was one of them.

I remember my turning point moment. I was standing in my living room and I realised if I didn’t share that I am a lesbian. If I didn’t take a stand for the truth of who I am, then I will actually be living from fear and living my life based on what my parents want and think. That if I do not take a stand today, I will spend the rest of my life living their life and not mine.

It was a pivotal moment where I was prepared to lose my parents. I was prepared to be disowned if it meant I would get my life back. This was monumental. Both scary and empowering.

I braved the conversations and separately told my mother and father. Their reaction at the time, although shocked in that moment, was not one of disowning me. It was exactly what I needed. Unfortunately as time went on, my father went into his story and he tried avenues of blame and guilty. My father had major objections and wanted me to hide from life so no one else would know. My mother kept saying I hadn’t met the right man.

To be honest, my reality did not sink in for my parents until I was in another relationship. While it was not easy on many levels, for me my life was amazing. My life had become my own. I felt safe and secure in myself, and the burden of life with lies had evaporated.

I met and fell in love with another woman. It was the happiest time of my life and this year we will celebrate our 10th anniversary. My only disappointment was that my parents chose not to share that happiness with me.

I learned that the love of my parents was conditional. More than that, it required me to face whether my love for my parents and family was unconditional or conditional. This mirror was a startling reality check.

I didn’t speak to my father for two years once I began this relationship. I didn’t see him for 5, nor go back to Adelaide and see any other family. Yet finally with the wedding of a cousin I returned and celebrated a family occasion with my partner and all my family. It was another turning point for us all.

From the day I came out I have honoured myself. It is a powerful and empowering moment when you no longer hide yourself from the world and you are prepared to face anything that comes your way. I have learned to take responsibility for myself and not for the words and actions of others.

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My name is Sonia and I live daily being all of who I am, from writing, photography, business consulting to a loving partner, friend and so much more. 10 years ago I moved from Sydney and I live in Byron Bay, Australia. Daily I post a Precious Gem to inspire others in their life. Visit me at http://www.facebook.com/followsonia