“Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.” ~Eckhart Tolle
The other day my good friend from back home called me hysterically crying. She felt certain she just blew a second job interview, and she’d hit a breaking point.
She’d been struggling for months, just barely paying her bills and wondering if she could afford to keep her apartment.
Every purchase had become an exercise in extreme deliberation. In fact, I’m fairly certain that when I visited last, I saw her stressing in the grocery store about whether she really needed that box of Twinkies that beckoned from the shelf.
Now here she was, hyperventilating, recounting in explicit detail all the things she’d done wrong in this interview.
The interviewer looked disgusted, she said—he was probably thinking she was incompetent. He asked her questions in an abrupt way—he was trying to trip her up. He didn’t respond when she made conversation on the way to the door—he most likely hated her and couldn’t wait to get rid of her.
Having gone through countless interviews with multiple companies, after sending out dozens of resumes, she was just plain exhausted and starting to feel desperate.
As she recalled the anxiety she felt in this encounter, I visualized her sitting vulnerably in front of his desk, and my heart went out to her. I imagined she felt a lot like Tom Smykowski from Office Space when he was interviewing with the efficiency experts to save his job—before he invented the Jump-to-Conclusions mat.
“I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don’t have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people!?”
Twenty minutes out of the pressure cooker, she was drowning in fears about what it would mean to not get an offer. She may have to move back in with her parents. She’d need to ask her also unemployed boyfriend for financial help. She’d have to develop a taste for spam, ramen noodles, or maybe even cat food.
Worst of all, when she inevitably failed, she’d have to acknowledge it was all her fault for blowing this interview.
About ten minutes in, I realized that comforting her was not an option.
She didn’t believe me when I told her she’d done her best and she shouldn’t be hard on herself. She felt sure there was no other way to look at the situation; the interviewer was sitting in his office stroking his handlebar mustache and laughing maniacally about the inept woman he had no intention of hiring.
She was talking herself in circles, alternating between statements of certainty—that all had been lost—and asking me what I thought might happen, as if perhaps there was still hope if only an outsider would verify it often enough.
But whenever I suggested that it’s never over until it’s over, she plummeted back into prophetic despair, convinced her inadequacy only allowed for one disappointing outcome.
Just then, between tears and speculative conclusions, call waiting beeped in. She got the job.
I could feel her immense relief. From 3,000 miles away, I felt her heart rate slow down, her erratic thinking simmer, and her narrow vision of doom expand into a blend of shock, euphoria, and excited anticipation.
As I thought about how unnecessary all of the worrying had been—and how I wished she didn’t put herself through that—I realized I’d been in her shoes before. There have been many times when I’ve felt overwhelmed by a sense of powerlessness and desperate to feel some type of control.
There have been times when I’ve asked people for their opinions and then felt unsatisfied until I heard exactly what I wanted to hear. When I’ve made assumptions about negative things to come and then obsessed over what I could do to prevent it, or what I should have done to avoid it.
In retrospect, all that mental busy work did very little to change what was coming.
It wasn’t even slightly useful or productive, and it definitely didn’t soften the blow if my fears came true and something went wrong or didn’t pan out.
In fact, it only exacerbated the situation, because worrying essentially began the disappointment retroactively.
If you worry and nothing’s wrong, you’ve wasted precious time over nothing. If you worry and something is wrong, you’ve still wasted precious time.
Every time we use the present to stress about the future, we’re choosing to sacrifice joy today to mourn joy we might not have tomorrow.
It may seem like we’re creating solutions or somehow protecting ourselves from pain, but in all reality, we’re just causing ourselves more of it.
Perhaps the key is to challenge that instinctive sense of fear we feel when we start thinking about uncertainty. When I look back at the most fulfilling parts of my life, I realize most of them took me completely by surprise.
I may not have gotten everything I wanted, but I’ve wanted what I’ve gotten more than often enough to compensate. The unknown may have provided some heartache, but it’s also provided adventure and excitement.
For every time I’ve felt disappointed, there’s been another moment when I’ve felt a sense of wonder. Those are the moments we live for—when all of a sudden we see the world through new eyes in a way we could never have known to predict.
Uncertainty is the cost of that deeply satisfying, exhilarating, spontaneous sense of awe.
It would be easy to say that mindfulness is the answer to worrying. If you’re truly immersed in the present moment, there wouldn’t be any reason to fixate on what might be coming. But I suspect it’s inevitable we’ll do that from time to time. We’re only human, after all.
Maybe a better suggestion is a combination of being in the moment and trusting in the one to follow.
We can’t always control what it will look like, but we can know that more often than not, it will lead to something good if we’re open to it. When it doesn’t, we’ll get through it—and faster if we haven’t already overwhelmed ourselves with what-ifs and worst-case scenarios.
On the other side of worry, there’s trust. We can’t always trust in specifics, but we can trust in ourselves.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you for this post! Really needed to read it. These bits I could particularly relate to:
“There have been times when I’ve asked people for their opinions and then felt unsatisfied until I heard exactly what I wanted to hear. When I’ve made assumptions about negative things to come, and then obsessed over what I could do to prevent it, or what I should have done to avoid it.
In retrospect, all that mental busy work did very little to change what was coming.”
“In fact, it only exacerbated the situation because worrying essentially began the disappointment retroactively.”
“It may seem like we’re creating solutions or somehow protecting ourselves from pain, but in all reality, we’re just causing ourselves more of it.”
It is so true that all that worrying really does nothing to help. I have learned this over the past 2 years, being in a relationship. From the start of the relationship, I was CONSTANTLY worrying about our ‘inevitable’ breakup…I’d play out all these scenarios in my head about how I’d react, how I’d cope with it if we were to breakup etc….before we had even been going out for a few months!!! You could say I was PLAGUED with these thoughts. I would also constantly think about his ex girlfriend (she is a car promo model….I could not look anymore different than her – I used to compare myself ALL the time and feel awful).
I never fully communicated these thoughts to my boyfriend, but sure enough, my thoughts/worries turned into actions and I was always causing arguments, blaming my boyfriend for my unhappiness, expecting him to do more etc……he got tired, BUT he always stuck with me because he says he loves me. I don’t know how he put up with me.
You are SO right when you say that we think we are protecting ourselves from pain, but really we are causing ourselves more of it. I was already mildly depressed when I entered the relationship and I guess after the initial ‘butterflies’ at the beginning of the relationship settled down, I blamed my boyfriend for my unhappiness. I’m not even kidding, I came across Tiny Buddha one morning last year and read one of the quotes….and it just LIFTED my mood…..I began going through all the old posts and I thought….wow…..the choice of happiness is MINE…I need to stop blaming others (i.e. my boyfriend)…..good thoughts = good actions = good life……etc etc etc….and it wasn’t a conscious thing, but I found myself waking up, reading TinyBuddha first thing in the morning….and just keeping that positivity with me……turning to these articles for ‘advice’…..and our relationship is better than ever, 3 years on. I have stopped giving, giving, giving in hopes of gaining approval & love (I am a very giving person by nature, but then eventually I feel a little ‘run down’ and wonder why people don’t give to me)…….I have learned from TinyBuddha that it’s just as important to receive too!!!! That has had a tremendous effect on our relationship!! My boyfriend says he’s not sure what happened, but he’s noticed such a huge difference in my attitude….he says I actually look happy, I smile during the day (whereas before I literally was like a depressed zombie, only communicating if it was to snap at him)….I don’t sleep all day (because of mild depression) he says I’m so sweet and affectionate (I’d never really be up for cuddling or kissing before)…..that I am still as giving and that I am a joy to be around…….he says I am the way I was when he fell for me…….and now because I feel happier, I feel his love more…I really know that he loves me, I feel it SO much, I can’t explain it…….it’s like now my heart is open to receiving it, even though it was there all long………..
This the complete scenario of my pastyear and what I have learned from it. Thank you for explaining it so precisely and clearly!
I am alive today!
Beautiful post Lori! I find a lot of people who worry about the past or future, which doesn’t even exist. You got it absolutely right, to enjoy the current joys, and deal with the future when it’s now! Happy Monday!
Mike
Great post. I’ve been dealing with this kind of stuff lately. It is tough sometimes because we’re human, but you just have to not let it be overwhelming at the very least.
Great post, and like so often is what I needed to hear right now. I’m sitting here mulling over what groceries I can buy with $20, which is all I have. Then I read this post and it brought me back to a very uncomfortable month I had a few years back where I was both jobless and homeless. At the time, I was very depressed about the situation. Now I’m thinking: “At least I have $20 for groceries!”
Thanks for reminding me!
Fantastic post – really needed it today. Thanks for the reminder.
BEAUTIFUL!!
Excellent post. Definitely something I try to remember to manage well in day to day life. I’m getting better at it, but it’s tough changing old habits.
I read a quote from a newsletter from Lama Marut a while back…though I can’t recall who actually said it…it said “If you can do something about it, why worry? If you can’t do something about it, why worry?” This is now my motto and I stop worrying. 🙂
When it comes to worrying I always remember a saying I once heard: “When the dust settles and everything works out (like it always does!), you never ever say to yourself, I should worried more about that!” Great post 🙂
Wonderful post Lori. So spoke to me. There is a wonderful book by Susan Jeffers called “Embracing Uncertainty”. She goes into depth on this subject and offers many helpful exercises.
Namaste – Tony
Wonderful post, and very timely, it seems right now I am in that struggle with the what if’s, and should be’s. It is so great to be able to sit back and just take a big breath and relax at least for a while.
thank you Lori, you are a great blessing in my life
A fantastic post that fits in beautifully with my current place in life – 30, engaged, living with in-laws and starting down an entirely new career path. I’m constantly worried about the future and how I can make everything turn out the way I want it to. Learning to just let go and live in the now is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done…
I’ve found that embracing the fear / uncertainty (letting go of those thoughts) is an exercise in itself. Just like getting onto a treadmill or an elliptical (or lifting weights), it can feel so daunting & difficult at first, but in no time, you’re strutting with confidence and strength.
Wonderful article. I wish everyone could read it!
Hi Jennifer,
Thanks for commenting I know that feeling well! When my boyfriend and I first moved in, he made us spam and rice for the first night and let me know his father bought us a massive supply at Costco. Though we might not have the means to eat out a ton, I’m glad we are now able to make meals with ingredients I can identify!
Have a wonderful evening =)
Lori
So well put, Thanks for adding this!
I know what you mean Kristie. Before I moved in with my boyfriend in the fall, we stayed with his parents for a while. At times, I felt a lot of anxiety about when we’d move in and where we’d move (we ended up moving 5 hours away). Learning to let go has been one of my biggest challenges, too, but the good thing is that we get a new chance with every moment that passes. =)
You’re most welcome. Thanks for being part of Tiny Buddha!
Thanks James! I think you’re right. So long as we can take a deep breath and remember things will be OK one way or another, we’re in good shape to handle whatever comes our way.
You are most welcome!
Thank you!
I know what you mean. I think thought habits are the hardest to change because sometimes they occur so quickly. As long as we’re aware and we keep working at it, I suspect we’re in good shape. =)
That’s such a great observation. Thank you for posting it!
Wow thank you. Your comment put a huge smile on face. =)
It’s good to know I’m not the only one who has wasted time worrying!
But, really, worrying is useless. Living in the moment, as you pointed out, is the key to ridding myself of the “worry wart” syndrome.
Thanks for the reminder.
Lori, it’s easier said than to practise. It takes a lot of courage to live in the present moment while you have liabilities and a frustrating life to deal with. You know worrying will not help you in anyway possible but it isn’t easy to stop worrying and live like everything is normal.
When I was ten years old I got the opportunity to be homeless with my family . I call it an opportunity because that situation shaped my entire out look on life. Worry was useless my mother said , our job was to look for opportunities to be grateful and kind, When you are ten and don’t know where your next meal is coming from you recieve the gift of selfsuffiency, confidence, determination and persistance. These gifts have served me all my life.Iwould gladly trade a few meals and short term homelessness for these precious gifts.
When I was 18 and just starting in the work force (I am now 55) and I read a quote in our company’s newpaper that I cut out and still have in my wallet. It has proven very true over and over through my life. The quote is from Mark Twain…. ” I am an old man and have known a great many troubles…. but most of them never happened.” Just think about those words.
Haha I love that quote! It’s so true.
Hi Kim,
I’m so glad all the posts on Tiny Buddha have helped you experience more happiness! I’ve been in a lot of those same places with worrying and relationships. Both writing and reading other people’s posts here helps me remember to apply what I have learned.
Thanks for being part of Tiny Buddha and also for sharing a little of yourself. It’s a pleasure to make your e-acquaintance. =)
Lori
Thanks Mike! And now Happy Tuesday to you. =)
And what a wonderful outlook it shaped! I can only imagine what it was like to feel that sense of uncertainty as a child. It’s inspiring that you developed such a positive attitude through the experience. Thanks for sharing here. =)
I hear you–I really do. It isn’t easy to challenge worrying, but I think it’s worth learning, even if it just means incremental improvements over time. When you think about all the illnesses connected with worrying and how it can essentially cut years off your life, it really puts things in perspective. At least for me anyway.
One other thing I thought reading your comment: what is normal? Sometimes I’m fairly certain the “norm” IS lots of frustrating things to deal with. Life is chaos!
Hi Amory,
I know what you mean, especially when you consider that sometimes we feel the same resistance to letting go of worrying as we do getting to the gym! I do feel it gets easier with practice, just like anything else. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Lori
Definitely, I think it’s a life long commitment!
Great post Lori, I love how you take a complex subject and break it down in such a simple manner. I agree with you, we tend to create pain that is unnecessary in our lives.
Thanks Eder. I really felt like I was in the experience with my friend, and I felt compelled to share it here. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Thank you, Lori! This post reminded me of something my ex-husband used to say to me that has stuck with me: “Don’t worry about it until it happens.”
It — whatever “it” was — usually never happened. 🙂 I love Tiny Buddha! Thanks so much for starting this site.
[…] Lori Deschene offers us another perspective on trusting when she tells us that trust is the other side of worry. Trust in ourselves. Trust that we can take that next step and no matter what happens we will have the courage to face it. Trust that we will ultimately be rewarded with the surprise moments that provide a “deeply satisfying, exhilarating, spontaneous sense of awe” that only can be experienced if we embrace uncertainty. (http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/worrying-about-the-future-on-trusting-in-uncertainty/) […]
Thank you for reading! Running this site is my greatest passion in life, and I really enjoy connecting in the comments. =)
I just love it beacuse somehow i read this article in the exactly moment i need it.
[…] this situation going to matter a year from now? If not, it’s not worth worrying about. ~Angela […]
Excellent post Lori! 🙂 I’m happy for your friend; That she did get the job, but I’m still *somewhat* amazed of the energy – and time, wasted, in total.
And with “negative energy” in mind…
A summer a few years back when I drove back up-north, to Northern Norway, and passing through Sweden on my way “upwards”, there was a female radio announcer that had a very long, heartfelt, uppermost and quite interesting program about her own life, all the rough, tough and downright hard and Life-borderlining-experiences that she had had over the years, from earliest youth years – and uptil “present day”.
In short: ALL about her IRL experiences, negative and positive (and most surprisingly enough; all family relatives where named with their full name!). Most importantly: How it ALL had affected and “shaped” her, to become a better human (female) being – in a positive but mostly – mentally way.
And so – she ended the program with her own “saying” – that has been stuck on my mind since:
“Worries you have ~ today,
are interest you borrow from ~
tomorrow!”
Now – back to your friend…
Your friend clearly went into the interview with a completely and totally wrong “focus”;
She was spinal-cord-deep focused on what other might (come to) think about her (later), her previous practice, skills, appearance, clothing and what-ever-else-not-mentioned…
Whilst she should have been solely and completely focusing on her own thoughts, appearance and the answers she gave to the questions she was asked. And nothing else – what-so-ever!
And she should have left it with that! ~ and not “transferred” her own worries, negative thoughts and energy over to you…
I do understand her though, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been there and experienced the “nerve-wrecking-and-breath-taking-awaiting-suspense” after an interview a few times myself. But I haven’t “passed on” my worries and negative energy onto others… Because, I know that I’ve done my best at the interview.
I cannot, sorry! … >> We << cannot control what other comprehend / apprehend / perceive and/or conclude with, about us. It will always be "out of our control"!
More than 10 years of a Life on the border-line of existence has given me a Life-lesson "saying":
"Yesterday's gone, and is already history.
Tomorrow will arrive here soon enough.
Live Life – TODAY!"
[…] the past two weeks, I’ve focused on the theme of trusting yourself. I started with Worrying About the Future: On Trusting in Uncertainty and then followed that with There is No Expert on […]
Thank you for this!
After months of unemployment, and yet another failed attempt to woo a hiring manager into inviting me to an in-person interview rather than a five minute phone interview, I felt myself heading in the same direction as your friend.
Your words & all the reader comments inspired me to get back into the driver’s seat and submit my resume to two other companies. Here’s hoping for the best!
I’ll admit, it’s tough to always be optimistic. I’m glad I discovered your website…it’s certainly helped reign me back in especially during such a trying time in my life.
Hi Nancy,
That’s fantastic! I know what you mean about being optimistic. I don’t think it’s possible to always feel that way, but I think it’s possible to regularly shift our focus to things we can control. Best of luck with your upcoming applications/interviews!
Lori
[…] on other days, I remind myself that I can’t worry my way out of worrying, and that the most effective use of any moment is to fully do whatever it is I’m doing. The rest […]
[…] often has to do with worrying about uncertainty, feeling out of control, and wondering what your life’s purpose is. When you realize you are part […]
Kim, you post was VERY helpful. Thank you for sharing!
Wow…did I ever need to read (and re-read) this! What a fabulous article, Lori. Thank you!
I had just finished crying my own eyes out and feeling completely hopeless and overwhelmed with my life. I’m out of a job, my boyfriend is helping me with my rent, I have two parents with cancer…the list goes on. And I have a long history of depression and anxiety, so I’m naturally a worrier and dooms-day-er. I’ve begun reading Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now,” however, and it has been amazingly helpful in realizing how dysfunctional our mind can be. I realize now that I live almost ALL of my life either worrying about the past or the present! So working with living “in the now” is new to me…but I’m trying.
I feel some source (to me that would be God) led me to your site, Lori. I have found COUNTLESS helpful articles on this site over the last two weeks. Sometimes in depths of despair, Little Buddha’s words have pulled me through. What a gift you have given us readers!
Also, I’d like to add how touched I was by your incredibly empathetic writing in relating the story about your friend. You totally understood her anguish and worry and pain. You obviously have been there. But you also used it as a teaching moment for all of us…and I thank you and your friend for that. It’s JUST what I needed today!
I still don’t know where to go from here. But it helps to know others are struggling along with me in this economy and thing we call “life.” But for today, I will probably read this post over a few more times (I need it!) and my focus will be on this one line you wrote so simply:
“Perhaps the key is to challenge that instinctive sense of fear we feel when we start thinking about uncertainty.”
Yes, that is where I will begin. Challenge the fear. Trust in a higher power. Believe in ourselves.
Thank you, Lori. Thank you.
Jan Stoeckert
Santa Clara, CA